Tw Drugs - Tumblr Posts
mental update/trauma dump
You can totally scroll past this post i just need to get it out 😭
tw: mentions of suicide, self harm, drugs, medical hospitalization, etc.
ok so this is really weird to talk about actually and I don't really know how to talk about this. Guess i just needed to get it out. So I have been clean for about 10 months now!!! Holy shit I hadn't realized I just did the math 😭 anyways I missed Halloween last year because I was in the hospital since some of my stupid organs weren't working properly. But I was so upset about it. And when the nurses were checking my arm health, some of my sh scars were visible and she just said "arm health good" and I was like ayyyy that's what's up. But what I forgot was I still had some cuts on my legs that I had totally forgotten about. She didn't check them thank God because my parents didn't know about them. When I got home that night I had to take a shower cuz yucky and my arms weren't working so I had my mom help but I had to be so careful to not let her see the cuts. Anyways the last day I was in the hospital was the last day I had talked to my therapist since she was leaving company she worked for to be independent. She said she was going to reschedule with me later. My mom had sent so many emails only to get "no reply". My therapist recently started seeing my sister instead because of some issues. When I asked her about it she said that she had been trying to contact me for months. My mom lied (surprise surprise).
But schools been really tough recently and I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts again and I don't know where to go since I don't have a therapist anymore. My mom was going through my stuff to clean up and I didn't really care cuz yk wtv. But she found some pills that I had in one of my jewelry boxes in case I needed to yk... but the thing was I had totally forgotten about them. She just goes "oh! I'll take those. I want them." I was like okay? I don't want them. I forgot they were there anyways. But now I'm kinda like damn. I know that I need to stay strong bc I'm still trying to deal with my ed and friend problems but I just don't know If I can anymore. It's getting really hard. I bought some sensory necklaces off of Amazon to help with my sensory and those are helping but it's just not enough. I just feel so awful all the time. It might be depression? I dunno. I'm trying not to distance myself but it's so easy to just doom scroll all day and do nothing. Getting up early for school when I can't even think is so rough. I didn't even plan on living this long so i have no idea what the hell im doing. I want to talk to someone but I also know that I can ramble and rant for hours and I don't want to do that to my friends. It's hard enough for them already and that would just be cruel of me. My friends can't fix my problems. I just don't know what to do. I see my friends doing better, yk the ones that have really had it rough and i feel great for them. But I also see some friends doing worse and I'm just like, yeah. I get you. I dunno I might be yapping but my stupid brain thinks that sometimes my friends don't really like me. Like if I were to kill myself that I'd turn into one of those jokes like " you should commit [my name]!" Or "i hope you end up like [my name]" because that would fucking suck. Kids are so mean.
I dunno what to do man. I might delete this or smt.
dante's inferno is just some dude on lsd playing undertale
fuck all you, you live with this idea now
one of my friends told me to draw a sans undertale bong and i obliged when i really shouldn't have
Just a safety reminder to NEVER try shrooms or LSD if your family has any history of schizoaffective disorders.
👄🦷Nitrous Oxide🦷👄
Im sorry 😭 i can’t stop drawing this gay twink now😭
SMS FROM ANONYMOUS:
congratulations on the album, zayn. you've really transformed yourself.. but are the dark days really behind you? or have you just gotten comfortable hiding who you really are from everyone in your life? you're just one slip up away from losing everything. again. do you really think you'll be trusted alone around your daughter once the truth comes out?
He pushed himself to a limit he told himself he'd never do again with Gigi, he did the very thing he told himself he would never again allow himself to do - he opened himself up, and left himself wide open and completely vulnerable to any of the hurt she could throw at him. Vegas was supposed to be fun, getting drunk, gambling away money, doing whatever else you were supposed to do. Going down memory lane with your ex typically wasn't the number one tourist attraction on Vegas, in fact it was on the list of things to not do in Vegas. Always the rebel, he was. Doing things he wasn't supposed to do. Now, he was back home. In the comfort of his place, surrounded by his things - yet, it was hollow. It was missing the sounds of Khai laughing at just about everything, the sounds of her little feet hurrying down the hallway, the lively conversation, the laughter on wine drunken nights - his home was a shell of memories and Zayn hated it. He wanted to forget it, so much so that scoring his choice of drug was too easy for him, and the little baggie sat on his nightstand, practically calling out to him. Right next to the phone that lit up with a message. Reaching over to his nightstand, his fingers grasp onto his phone as the brightness of it illuminates his face. The wallpaper is of him and Khai, a constant reminder of who to stay strong for, who to fight this addiction for. He's heard the many speculations about his life, what he's "done", what kind of person he was because of it. Just a bunch of people trying to mold him into what they see him as and Zayn thought it was the biggest bullshit he's ever read. He was never really that good at not reading what people had to say about him, he was even worse at not letting it get to him. But Khai, she was pure. Full of joy, love and life and that is who he was trying to fight for. Moving off the wallpaper, Zayn reads the text and he's immediately pissed off. They can say what they want about him, he didn't fucking care. But bringing Khai into it would forever be crossing the line. 'Well shit, here I was hoping you fell into a hole somewhere for the foreseeable future. keep my daughter out of whatever fucking games you're playing or the next thing that'll be leaving that mouth of yours are your fucking teeth.' He hits send and tosses his phone onto the bed beside him, pushing himself off his bed, he grabs the baggie and walks to his bathroom, tossing the contents into the toilet and flushing his money down. He wasn't going to prove some anonymous hacker right.
hey tumblr i drew mituna captor from homestuck smoking a comically large blunt
I also drew this one as per request of the bestie but I don’t ljke him so he’s in a poorly decorated fish bowl
Results...
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MF=🥂⭐️
sitting down next to me at a coffee shop where there’s tables available next to me, is normal.
Sitting down next to me as an older man at a coffee shop where there’s tables available next to me, is also normal.
Sitting down next to me as an older at a coffee shop where there’s tables available next to me and speaking to me, again, is normal.
But sitting down next to me as an older man at a coffee shop where there’s table available next to me and first thing you say to me is “don’t worry I’m not gonna drug you”, not fucking normal.
Like, WHAT!? Who said you were!? Now I’m thinking you might! Where is this coming from!? I don’t know you, get away!
i dont ship the 3 hunters as a polycule, but this is funny
I see things for the three hunters polycule sometimes where aragorn leaves to be with arwen. But what if arwen joins to be with aragorn? Anyway i just wanted to find a way to apply the 3 weed-smoking girlfriends to something i like.
Come fix me :33
Random pics lmao
Možná to byla falešná vzpomínka, možná se to stalo později.
Autor se prohrabuje krabicí starých deníků a snaží se chronologicky seřadit události tak, jak následovaly za sebou. Je to těžký, protože musí doplňovat mezery mezi jednotlivými událostmi, zámlky a vynechávky, když věděla, že to, co se jí děje, je příliš hrozné, než aby se o tom dalo psát v deníku, příliš to bolelo, než aby to rozpitvávala znovu ve vlastní hlavě, znovu a znovu to prožívala. Vytěsnění, snaha o tom nemluvit, nepřemýšlet o tom, dělat, že se to neděje.
Fight or flight?
Boj nebo útěk?
Vždycky to byl útěk, vždycky to byla její weapon of choice. Od úplnýho začátku, nejdřív jako maladaptivní snění během dne, snění o lepším světě, snění o někom, kdo jí pomůže, snění o drogách, které by si mohla vzít a všechno v její hlavě by se konečně ustálilo, uklidnilo, utišilo. Ve 13 si píše o deníku, jak by si přála mít po ruce trávu, která by to všechno vymazala. Ve 13 se poprvé opije pivem a vínem a okamžitě si tuhle formu útěku od sebe zamiluje. Alkohol jí přináší euforii, kterou si přeje cítit pořád místo svojí melancholie a úzkosti. Krade cigarety a namlouvá si, že mají taky moc změnit stav vědomí. A pak je tu sebepoškozování, další forma útěku. A mnohem, mnohem později si konečně obstará i tu trávu, éčko a dokonce perník...Ale ta touha po útěku, ta snaha se dostat “někam pryč”, tu je možné najít už v době, kdy jí bylo 13.
Predispozice k vytvoření závislosti, predispozice pro budoucí průsery. Možná je to nediagnostikovaný autismus, který je přidán do toho mixu jako divoká karta mnohem později, ale docela dobře vysvětluje, proč se cítila celý dospívání jako vyvrhel. Mozek, který funguje trochu jinak, je trochu jinak nadrátovaný a tím pádem trochu jinak vnímá realitu. A samozřejmě je to něco, co ostatní jaksi instinktivně vycítí, jako pach cizí kočky. Kolikrát si v deníku pokládá otázku, co je to “to”, co ji vyčleňuje? Proč si vybrali ji, zvlášť když ještě před pár roky byla tolik oblíbená a “ta chytrá”?
Dynamika se změnila poté, co přišly další děti z mnohem menší, mnohem zanedbanější a podfinancovanější školy. Přinesli s sebou nové formy tortury, protože to byl asi způsob přežití tam, když máte mezi sebou mladé sociopaty a děti z vážně dysfunkčních rodin, kde se objevuje násilí a zanedbávání. Začne si myslet, že je to slabost, kterou z ní cítí, že dokáží rozpoznat ten jiný pach někoho, kdo je slaboch...
Byla dřív slepice nebo vejce? Byla deprese následkem nebo příčinou? Mladá duše vysoce senzitivní malé holky, trhaná na kusy mezi těmi hormony a agresí poháněnými kluky, kde neexistuje nic, co by převyšovalo hmotu, tělo, maso... Nebo melancholie, která se jednoho dne snesla tak, jako generace předtím a začala malou holku nutit k izolaci a podivínství, které se dalo přehlížet a tolerovat jen do určitého bodu? Byl to tlak od jejích 13, otázky, kdy si najde kluka a jestli už někoho má, podprahový signál, že je koneckonců žena, zatím v kokonu adolescence, ale jednou bude jejím posláním plodit a vařit? Že je koneckonců masem, jen masem a tělem k naporcování? Vyrůstat v oblasti, kde se daří katolické víře, vám vyleptá v mozku nečekané spojnice a cestičky. Bylo to vyhoření z tlaku, který na sebe kladla od 1. třídy? Celou svou posranou existenci zaměřuje na to, aby byla nejlepší, a tak se hroutí, když dostane z matiky 2-. Byl to táta a jeho selektivní slepota k jejímu snažení, byla to jeho agrese a facky, jeho smsky, ať si nezapomene žákovskou ve škole? Byla to jeho totalita, rozpadající se ego založený na práci a píli, o něž přišel během krátké doby na pracáku? Byl to pradávný gen, malfunkce v mozku, která zařídila, že její praděda zkousl hlaveň brokovnice a stiskl spoušť? Byly to stejné neurony, které má její babička v hlavě a které bez přestání vystřelují chemické vzruchy blížící se zkázy, Apokalypsy a Armageddonu, zatímco leží v posteli a snaží se usnout s tepovkou 200/m? Byla to ta věc, o které se nemluví, ale opona postupně padá, když zjišťuješ, kolik příbuzných je na antidepresivech?
Jak se stane, že se člověk zblázní?