Suicide - Tumblr Posts

Palmeras. Abril 2015.

REBLOG IF YOU DON’T MIND WRITERS TAKING TIME OFF FOR THEIR MENTAL HEALTH

TRIGGER WARNING -suicidal thoughts- People think it's just the thought of no meaning in life, that they end it, feeling no colours or pain. But it hurts. These thoughts are burning and chasing me everywhere i go. There is still that one voice pulling me back from the edge of the bridge or laying the knive back down. It's the knowledge of how far my mind/ body would go, that terrifies me the most. I never choosed to become like that, but there are times, when that one thing inside me, cries for the pain to stop. It are those times, i am ending up on the ground of a unknown meadow or stop myself from crying in public, because these voices keep telling me to finally end the pain, that i carry since my past and erase these horrible memories, that keep me awake at night. Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to be better soon. I am sick of taking all those meds, which make me more sick than i was before. It's not the end, yet. I would never know if it got better, when i don't try till the very last. There won't be a finish line, when i stop running and stay at the ground. It's my life and my choices. The past is something to learn of and not to get guided by it. I will get back up and be stronger than before. Fu@# those voices and all the people passing their problems to the other, cause they don't want to handle it. We got this only chance. Only one. Use it. Because some people would really wish to have onther. *this is text is based on my own experience and opinion. Not everyone feels the same way i do. I respect that. No, i don't want to kill myself anymore. Drawing helps me to deal with my disorders and traumatic experiences. Stay safe and if you have suicidal thoughts, then please get help of professionals to talk about them! **my english may have some... Or much errors. I'll blame the memes for that. :D #suicide #depression #disorder #suicidalthoughts #mentalhealth #anxiety #saddrawing #deepthoughts #help #scars #death #trauma #pastlife #childhood #crying #tears #sadart #pain #emotion #feelings #sadness #helpless #nolove #loveyourself #life #lifechoices #lovelife #smile #nevergiveup #fightforlife #artwork #coaldrawing #macabreart #lizzyeatsart

Someone on twitter is trying to convince me that Loki’s a bad person because “no one forced him to let go of the Bifrost and end up with Thanos, that was his own decision”.

Have we really gotten to the point where we’re blaming a fictional character for commiting suicide? Is that how far we’ve sunken? Is “well, it’s his own fault he survived his suicide attempt and was then tortured by a madman and forced to attack Earth - shouldn’t have tried to kill himself in the first place” really a position anyone wants to stand behind? REALLY?

Ahem-

I wanted to write about this for quite a while, but every time there was something stopping me..

⚠️Warnings!!!⚠️

•This post is not connected with the theme of this blog, just a rambling of mine

• an angsty post with a mention of suicide

Sometimes I try to get rid of dark and disgusting emotions by the help of any kind of art and it usually goes in 3 stages.

1 stage:

For example writing a poem of how I hate something right now or drawing a doodle/art with a character who has a tragic backstory. Crying....a lot and questioning my life choices and a purpose of existence. Then hiding these poems and art somewhere in my room.

2 stage:

Forgetting about the place I hid it in and what exactly has been created. Focusing on the life and schoolwork.

3 stage:

Suddenly finding these "pieces of art" during general cleaning and taking a moment to think. Then crying happily and thanking my past self for not doing a freakin suicide.

『I do not regret living

I am more or less happy with myself』

Then it goes all over again, sometimes methods and stages change but the result is one...I continue on living

But...there is always this but....however....an exception out of the rules I've been used to for so long,

this tiny dark thought that appeared

I've made this video during these two weeks because of once again falling into this abyss...and I really thought that this feeling would just go away...

sometime.... like it always did

this time I couldn't stop on just 3 stages thing.

No, it was harder than I expected

At first I couldn't even recognize the depression, cause

『aight, I am just exhausted, sleep will help』

It didn't

The situation escalated quickly

The thoughts became darker than usual

『Why am I acting so awkward?

Can they hear me? I want to tell them- no, not now

Speak normally, f* concentrate!

They are my friends ...well...classmates.am I allowed to talk to them? I'll definitely disturb them...it is better to stop the social interaction....I don't want to ruin somebody's day

They won't see the real me if I keep wearing the mask

I want to cry

Focus

Fell asleep during the lesson

Focus

My grades are lower than usual

Focus

I need a place to cry, maybe behind the coats?

Is there a reason to live? to exist?

Why am I trying to cut myself if these scratches are not deeper than a cat's?

Is it better to jump? hang? or poison?

Wait stop-

Not now.....I need to stop... freakin slow down

Life is wonderful even if it's a lie

I can't stop crying

I am not fine

I want to disappear』

These are not even a half of what I went on thinking about.

The constant pressure and failed attempts to focuse made me just look like a tired lad, nothing more, not even a suicidal shadow made it up to my face. Every single thought was trapped inside, deep down, until I was home...where I really could cry without looking suspicious

『Oh! I-I've just watched a series with a dramatic end, that's why I'm crying』

Excuses and more excuses each day

Then I've finally decided to countdown the days from 15th to 21st of March.

Only 6 days and only 2 variants.

I'll end my life...No matter how, I'll do it!

Or

Continue on living...happily

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

After 6 days of deciding

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Today was the 21st of March and I'm still alive

I've realized a few things:

•I want to live

•I want to talk to people

• why did I even hesitate whether they see me as a friend or not? Of course we are friends.

•I don't want to burden my family with more troubles

•I don't want to become a cheater that could just escape this life without living it

That's what I chose after being depressed for about two weeks.

We must never give up!

💚💚💚💚

Possible Story Idea????

So I had a really cool idea for a story were like 4 teenagers who are all friends get jobs at McDonalds and one day they are all left to clean up and they find a dead body in one of the bathroom cubicles.

So obviously they call the cops cause their a bunch of 18 year olds who found a dead man. So the cops show up and take their statements and then let them go home. According to the cops this is just a basic suicide.

 Although one of the friends is a lot more shaken up then the other. At first the others don’t think anything of it cause that person is the ‘scaredy-cat’ friend. 

Two of the friends share a flat beside their collage, and the other two are in the student dorms but they don’t share a room. But since they just found a dead fucking body in their place of work they all go back to the flat and sleep over their instead. 

And the friend who was really shaken up reveals that they knew the person who had ‘committed suicide.’ They were friends back in high school, like best friends they did everything together. Until halfway though the second last year until graduation he randomly goes missing, presumed dead.

And then they like burst into tears cause now they have to mourn them all over again. And they get sympathy from everyone else, they all go to bed and in the morning they all attend their own classes. 

Everyone is just trying to forget about it and move on. But the person who knew the guy is trying to figure out where his friend went in the years that he had been missing and why he had decided to kill himself now. When the others find out they try to prevent them from doing this as it is exhausting them and they aren’t looking after themselves anymore.

Next thing that friend is being arrested for dead bathroom guys murder and everyone else has to try and prove his innocence.

Please don’t reblog this is an original idea.

Also some feedback would be cool really wanna know if people would read this if i wrote it. 

Right Here, Right Now

TW: mentions of suicide, self harm

What if, right here, right now, 

I just jumped from off this roof? 

What if, right here, right now, 

I took this gun?—for no one’s bulletproof. 

What if, right here, right now, 

I took this rope and let me swing? 

What if, right here, right now, 

I took those pills? These tiny things? 

Coward, you screamed—coward, coward

Never did anything right

Always failed, always disappointed

So what if I gave into the night? 

What if, right here, right now, 

I took this knife, right at that vein 

Slashed ‘til I found blood and bone

And let thick crimson liquid rain? 

So slit my throat. Slit my arms. 

Slice this traitorous heart of mine. 

Carve these words into my chest. 

Smile and say that everything’s fine. 

Cut these thoughts. Cut these hands. 

Cut the voices inside my head. 

Ignorance is bliss—and so’s oblivion

‘Cause nothing can hurt me if I’m dead. 

thought about buying a gun today

had a conversation with a trans friend of mine who's thinking about joining the military to escape poverty. not gonna go into detail there but it was heavy conversation and sparked these thoughts.

on the one hand, i'm queer and leftist. i'm scared when i see right wing people hoarding guns. i'd like to have one or more for the peace of mind that if push comes to shove i have something to defend myself with.

however, i know that if i do acquire a firearm, im going to put it in my mouth to see how that feels. not with any bullets or anything. just to feel it, taste it, experience that feeling.

but i know enough about mental health to know what that is. that's a big step in suicidal ideation. what's to stop me from putting a round in the chamber once i get more comfortable? and even if i'm not actively planning how i would kill myself, if i owned a gun, i would know i could. i would know deep down that if i ever wanted too id have a really easy way to do that. and is that even really different from having a plan? i also don't like that i don't know if i would play russian roulette if i purchased a revolver. i'd like to think the answer is no, but if i'm honest with myself, 17% is like, not terrible odds?

i'll be 23 soon. and i've noticed over the past few years my suicidal ideation has progressively grown. when i was in highschool, or maybe even middleschool, i realized nothing really cosmically mattered. i think soon after the idea of dying was scary but it wasn't impossible, and i thought hey it would suck but i'd be dead so it wouldn't really matter to me at that point. i wouldn't ever kill myself, but if i got hit by a bus it wouldn't be a huge deal.

and that's how it stayed really. and i still feel that way, although now that i'm actively transitioning and finding myself, i'm a lot more hesitant when i think rationally about these things. i don't want to die and have my obituary and headstone say [deadname], and what's more, things have just started getting good and i am excited to see where life takes me. despite that though, a few weeks ago i looked at my window differently. i live 5 stories up. would that be high enough? i didn't google for an answer. and i frankly still don't want to know.

objectively, i am the happiest i've ever been. ironically though, i'm also the closest i've ever been to suicide. i've been throwing that thought around my brain for a few months now. it's weird.

https://screw-the-hierarchy.simplecast.com/episodes/the-growing-number-of-workplace-suicides-in-the-us

CW: SUICIDE, ABUSE, MOOD SWINGS, DEPRESSION, VENT

Who the hell even am I anymore?

I don't find anything entertaining anymore, My special interest is becoming less interesting to me, and I feel like i'm going back to where I started 6 years ago. It's honest to god hell. I don't even feel like myself anymore.

One minute i could be euphoric and have a god-like mindset, almost similarly to how a troll feels after doing their thing, the next I could be thinking about killing myself on autopilot, the next I could be thinking about murdering some bitch who screwed me over, and that cycle keeps repeating, all within the span of a couple hours or days, and it's draining for me.

I can't even pick a career path because i still haven't figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life (tanks mrs. Smith for ruining that opportunity btw), and I'm pretty sure the reason why my girlfriend broke up with me is because she probably thinks I was abusing her or some shit because she couldn't handle how I was doing mentally (i was planning to break up with her either way because I already split from her but still hurts to think about).

And more recently i've had to come to the terms that my fp would rather see me fucking dead, and that she never wants to see me anymore (though i will be still checking her youtube page frequently cause.... why the hell not? she won't know. ), and plus, she knows I feel the same way as her currently, I had a friend of mine tell her so, but she probably doesn't care. she'll always view me as this terrible abusive person who wants nothing more than the suffrage of others, so atp, why am I still attached to her?? I gotta find a way to make myself split from her and find a new fp atp.

I'm just waiting till next week for my next therapy appointment because I may be more dependant on it than I thought. Might speak with her about setting up more appointment days or something.

CW: PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR MENTIONS, SUICIDE, ANXIETY, A FUCKTON OF SELF BLAME, VENT

---

You really want to know how i truly feel? fine.

I don't want to keep talking about my behavioral issues from 2021 and the accusations that came with that behavior. I know you guys are getting sick of it, trust me, I am too.

but if every single little thing in my life is just gonna keep reminding me of it

EVERY SINGLE DAY I BREATHE...

So be it.

I'm not even trying to be funny about it, anytime i think, no matter if my thoughts are just casual or intrusive, the memories are still there. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

And given how many bullshit apology videos are out there to basically blame the victims of a specific situation, I'm starting to question if making my own apology video is even a good idea anymore. I don't want to blame my victims or the witnesses for something that happened 4-5 years ago. It's not and never was their fault, at all. Even if i did make that apology video, all it'd do is just make more people angry at me, so what's even the point anymore?

And god forbid I relapse my problematic behavior and not realize it untill it's too late, because then i get told it's my fault that I'm suffering and probably at my lowest point in my life since 2020, and that I should just kill myself at this point.

And probably the worst part about it: It doesn't even matter if I get professional help to fix my behavior, it doesn't matter how much I hold myself accountable and try to repair the damage I've done. Nobody will view me as a human being thanks to what happened. Everyone will always view me as nothing more than the "tiktok bitch filthy fangirl that causes trouble for everyone" and basically avoid me like the plague.

To the people that cancelled me and/or made me this way in the first place: Congratulations, I hope you're fucking happy, because i'm 17 years old, meaning that i'm about to be an adult soon, and I don't want to get a job because I'm worried my digital footprint is ruined permanently, I can't sleep at night because all I can think about is how bad my future is gonna be, I don't want to go out or hang out with friends anymore because I'm scared to death they're gonna find out and leave me, and then convince other people to straight up avoid me and treat me like shit, and I think about killing myself almost on autopilot because I feel like i'm beyond repair and that I can't be saved.

The only reason why i haven't just up and quit by now yet is because of fucking Tony Crynight of all people. AND THAT EMOTIONLESS PUPPET INCEL DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER ME ANYMORE BECAUSE HE'S SO BUSY WORKING ON ANIMATIONS THAT ANY MEMORY OF ME HAS FADED INTO OBSCURITY.

...

Okay, maybe the incel comment was a little bit fucking over the top, but at the end of the day I'm just surprised people even talk to me anymore despite what happened in 2021. why do people even care about me anymore? for that matter, why are people even around me, even if they do know? Don't they know i'll just hurt them again? God, people are stupid.

Oh! and I know there's gonna be tons of people asking me "well, what DID happen back in 2021?" Trust me, it's for the best that you don't get the context. There's some of you out there that already know anyway.

Even I get sick and disturbed looking back at what happened..

I don't even know why i'm even making this post, considering i'm just getting more people involved into something they shouldn't, but fuck it at this point. My reputation's already fucked anyway.

I can't do this anymore.. Why am I even trying..?

---

(CW: GENDER DYSPHORIA AND SUICIDE)

I fucking hate being trans so much it physically hurts.

I will never be able to wear clothing without feeling uncomfortable about it because my boobs still show under them, I can't sign any fucking papers without crying about having to put my fucking dead name, and it doesn't matter how many times I correct people, nobody will see me as a "real boy" and I fucking hate it.

If God really does exist, I fucking hate him for doing this to me. In fact I'm glad he doesn't because I would start throwing hands right the fuck now, fuck him honestly

I know damn well there's gonna be people telling me "but I believe you're a real boy 🥺", and to those motherfuckers, this ain't about you, so I don't wanna hear it here.

And the fucked up part: I don't think I'll be able to turn 18 given my mental health and the situation I'm in regarding therapy, so I'm practically stuck like this until i finally kill myself from the stress of just being alive. It's fucking hell for me.

I don't care if this comes off as "rude" or me " overreacting" or any of that shit, I can't take it anymore. I just need to get this off my chest.

That's all.

i’m ready to kill myself i was kinda just hoping i could maybe have sex before i die tho

Surely you've all seen the Everyone is dead AU on twitter right?

So, here's my go at a sad ending

Imagine this

Sanji leans on the rail of the ship. Crashing waves in the distance help keep him calm yet when he hears the footsteps of a certain marimo his nerves spike once again.

"It's a calm sea today huh Cook?"

There's no teasing to his soft voice so he chose to respond with a matching tone.

"If I were to go, being embraced by the sea would be my choice"

Sanji didn't look as Zoro walked beside him, his hand lifting and falling upon his own while he stared at the sea.

"Wouldn't it be better to fall into my embrace instead?"

The question makes Sanji sigh shakily but he smiles as he turns his head.

Zoro is looking at him, a look that says sorry and he can't stand it.

"You should show me, hopeless lost swordsman"

A sad smile paves its way onto Sanjis face at the attempt to sooth the nerves inside himself.

Zoro takes his hand and they both stand on the rail, the sea calm and steady as if their blood wasn't boiling. As if the air around wasn't thick enough already, a fog began to arise in his mind.

"You're a coward shitty cook" was what he said but he smiled as he did.

"As if you're any better Marimo......last one to close their eyes loses."

A smirk appears on the sword man's face and he grips his cooks hand tighter.

"You're on"

The only thing left is the splash of two bodies and a strawhat left on the deck.

Surely, its okay to be a coward if what you're scared of is loneliness.

(Hehe sorry this is shit :'] I tried)

my box is always there and always open.

Share. Please. In honor or this nameless hero whom because of this letter he or she sent me, could save a life tonight. 

again, my box is always open.