Abuser - Tumblr Posts
“An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination.”
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
I saw him ride by on his bike just now as I was out for a walk. I am confident he didn't see me.
There was a woman on the back.
Rage surged. Not because there's a girl, but because she's wearing my helmet.
Here’s an idea:
(Sorry friends, this is an angry one)
Maybe you should fuck off trying to tell survivors how they should feel about their abusers. Here’s a few reasons why:
1. You don’t know shit about us or our stories.
2. Your experience does not in any way dictate or predict the experiences of others.
3. Many survivors have been taught not to trust themselves. You are contributing to this problem with condescending advice that contradicts our instincts and mental health needs.
4. The way we feel can change throughout the grieving/healing/recovery process. It’s confusing enough on its own; we don’t need your uninformed opinion further muddying the waters. We need to work this out.
5. Some of us can only move forward through forgiveness and reconciliation. Some of us can only forge ahead fueled by our rage and hate. Some of us fall somewhere in the middle. These are all acceptable and reasonable.
6. Only we can decide what is best for us. You do not know what is best for us.
Aftermath
I didn't stop talking to him immediately after that message he sent me. Truth be told, he’d ‘cut me off’ a number of times prior to that. We actually had a set of boundaries and expectations in place for just these sorts of occasions.
The last time he'd insisted we cease speaking, after the initial shock and flood of texts I sent him, I stopped texting him altogether. He messaged me after a few days of silence and accused me of getting over him.
So for the next 6 weeks or so, I texted him every day. Here’s some highlights of my shame:
They’re everywhere.
My new boss has told the director of sales (my colleague) that she should bring him along when she’s going to deliver a proposal because men are better at closing deals.
He called me ‘Dear’ on the phone and told me I should have more staff on when we are busier and less staff on when we are less busy (how insightful, I never would have thought).
He also insists our numbers are higher than they are despite my explicit explanation (and the math) as to how that is impossible.
Furthermore, he told my other colleage and counterpart that he should speak to me “as a friend” (he actually is my friend by the way) about my attire and how it’s not appropriate for my role. I should dress more professional “ a skirt maybe”, and wishes to avoid an awkward encounter with me himself.
Not that I want to give his suggestion much gravity, but I’ll explain something fairly quickly that he, as my boss, should have figured out within 5 minutes of discussing with me what I do. My role in other larger companies would likely be a desk job with some sales/retention work with clients. I’d probably have a nice office and staff to do about 50% of the work I currently handle myself.
Unfortunately, our site is on the smaller side and I run my department basically from ground level. This means my job is about 60% physical - I’m running a lot. So the suggestion of a dress and heels to work isn’t just offensive and inappropriate, it’s fucking downright impractical.
I have to have a meeting about this. I may get fired over this. Whatever the outcome, I’m not staying at this hellhole.
How the fuck is it, that every time one of these fucking shitbags enters a work place they kill off everything good around them? Why am I the one who has to find something else?
He told me he came to the realization that I was the woman he wanted to be with forever while beginning to fuck another woman.
He said he stopped it immediately upon this realization and came home to me.
I remember this night. I made him angry, so he spit screamed in my face and told me he was going to go out and cheat on me. So he did. And I was so dead inside that I didn't care. The time he was gone had a peace to it.
I don't believe for a minute that he "stopped." And would you believe he tried to spin that into a really sweet and meaningful moment for us?
Kettle meet Teapot
He was a cheater too. I don’t think I ever mentioned that.
Funny enough, neither did he.
His name is Dan, by the way. I'm tired of allowing him so much anonymity.
It's been 105 weeks since I last contacted him.
Against some of my more rational thinking, i tried to see if I could find the woman on Facebook.
I think she has me blocked because I couldn't find her and I definitely found her before. Which means he would have asked her to block me. He must be afraid.
That gives me immense satisfaction.
Fast forward: I have helped my partner secure her finances and consolidate her debt into the mortgage. We're on the path to being mortgage and debt free 7 years ahead of schedule. We're working on the house and plan to take some small trips with cash that I've saved; no credit required.
I have a retirement savings now, a few small investments, and can look forward a little.
We are not wealthy, but it's become increasingly clear that I'm pretty damn good with money.
The Truth About Money
When I was running after him I was perpetually broke. I rarely spent a dime on myself, and if I did it was for him in a round about way (a personal trainer, aesthetics, etc). He blamed my inability to budget and poor spending habits.
About a year ago, I had an experience that first lifted the veil. If you are interested, you can read about it here. Shortly after that time I cracked down and prioritized saving; I prioritized it even over him because I had realized that I truly was alone.
That was the beginning of the end of his interest in me. After all, what good am I if I am not bankrolling his interests? He severed contact approximately three months ago. I wish I had done it, but unfortunately that wasn’t the way it went.
Since we’ve ceased speaking I have, in addition to saving more money than I have ever had for myself ever, paid off the remainder of my student debt, paid off my maxed out credit card, and taken 10% off what I owe on my line of credit. All the while having a modest social life.
I am not bad with money. He was bad with my money. He is bad.
I'm certain he has someone.
I wonder how much he uses his time with me to torture her.
I bet he's always suspicious and checking her phone, and tells her he can't help that he can't trust; his ex was such a whore.
I bet he screams and throws things at her when she brings up something he does that hurts or bothers her. He's sorry, but he can't help it; his ex was a bitch and she just said something like his ex would say.
I bet he calls her as stupid as his ex when she forgets something.
I bet he's hit her when something is out of place. His ex couldn't be trusted to be responsible or keep house properly, and he doesn't want to live with a pig again.
On the other hand, I'm sure he's told her that he was practically addicted to sex with his ex. It would just be a coincidence that he'd bring these things up when she's not in the mood or doesn't want to do a specific sex act.
I'm sure he's mentioned that his ex made great food when she's burned dinner or made something he didn't like. Or worse, when she didn't feel like cooking.
I'm sure that he's mentioned how dutiful his ex was with the housework when she wants to go do something fun or socialize.
I'm sure his ex's agreeableness (code for: door mat) has come up when she's feeling vulnerable and jealous about the strippers and other women he flirts with.
I'm sure I, his ex, am a very useful manipulation tool.
Being sick is an excuse: Episode 4
Perhaps not an illness, but he loved to praise my ability to operate when exhausted.
He took the fact that I could function on 2 - 3 hours of sleep as an invitation to push those boundaries. For two years after my secrets had been divulged he said “It’s amazing you need so little sleep” and kept me at our his house until 4 am when I had to be at work for 9am.
I eventually lost that job (after I had officially cut ties thankfully) primarily because the HR department took my cry for help as an invitation to use my situation against me. But I can’t deny that my serious and chronic lack of sleep affected my performance.
When I said as much, I was accused of pitting my stupidity at work on him. I functioned just fine without sleep. I was just making excuses.
I don't know why, but I googled his name.
He got into an accident on his bike in April and has a GoFundMe set up by his girlfriend. He was in the hospital for 10 weeks.
There's some feels here, but not what I was expecting.
Oopsie.
You know when you know something is a bad idea, but you do it anyways?
Have any of you figured out how to curb that yet?
More than one poisoning? Me thinks he doth had it coming.
So I just made a joke that "more women should poison their husbands" to my cool boss and then immediately found out that he got divorced because he was poisoned by his ex-wife
Still trying to figure out how to go out and be social without feeling like I've taken up too much space/said the wrong thing.
I'm in my fucking 30s. Sorry to anyone who thought it would just go away...
I just tested positive for covid on Tuesday. I'm quadruple vaxxed, with a decent immune system, so I'm rapidly on the mend. But, objectively, it has sucked.
You know what hasn't sucked? Sharing a home with someone who cares for me and wants me to get better. And living with someone like that may never cease to amaze me.
Support Character - Part 1
When we were teenagers and I was still living at home, he worked very hard to get me to play Ultima Online. It's an online RPG game, similar in style to World of Warcraft.
Silly me, I thought he wanted me to participate in something he enjoyed. Of course not, he wanted me to play healer.
That can be fun in some scenarios, but of course it wasn't here. I didn't get any input on quests, areas or achievements. It equated to me following him around everywhere, and clicking the heal while he played.
I was in the support role. It was all about him. It was to be the theme of the next 12 years of my life.
Some politicians are able to captivate their listeners with their rhetorical fluency and apparent brilliance. However, there are also instances where real estate developers, bankruptcies and convicted felons who were once presidential actors believe that the self-description of a significant property like "hot on an old red-haired man" is a fitting one.
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When the content is devoid of intellectual rigor and rhetorical brilliance, the exterior, the volume, the repetition, and the untruth become the outward manifestations of a lack of political culture.
Nixon resigned from the presidency due to the Watergate scandal, and it is evident that he was not a particularly moral individual. However, the threshold had been surpassed, and the social situation would not have permitted otherwise.
What constitutes the present red line? Or is there no longer any threshold beyond which actions may not be taken?
The boundaries of acceptability have been significantly eroded, with the exception of lies, bankruptcy, a criminal conviction, incitement to subversion, racist remarks, and hostility towards women.
Please accept this as an imperfect understanding of morality, responsibility and personal intrigue.
What further actions must this man take before he becomes unelectable?
There is not much that remains, including child abuse, child molestation and murder. We will leave the remainder to your imagination.
It is unacceptable for any politician to publicly admit that they are attracted to someone. That is something that should be left to the prostitute they pay for.
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The constant need for validation is pathological.
No, man, you were never hot.