Grieving - Tumblr Posts
A John & David (Blackout)
Link to the story it was taken from: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24946627
There is no “safe” Everything ground to a halt The tide turned Against
We are stupid when we get scared Make it stop
He used to be my husband I can’t imagine calling this marriage
His eyes all that is left of him Almost forgiven
No photographs anywhere
Desperation makes people stuipid as fear Promise not to hurt
It’s hard these days Depressingly easy to complain
He was dead lately It should have been enough
If they’d listened This would be different
I slump back No one would care how hard I worked
Quiet and pretty, I was A party, our engagement
It was a John & David’s party. Wouldn’t’a missed it.
We were all buttoned up Trimmed to geometric perfection
Today is just those eyes and dirty hair And that stupid mewling
So convincingly suburban beneath decay and rot He is just about done
He makes his last bid to escape Death looms, the final sickening pain
I know the feeling
Gut-wrenching. Never easier.
Maybe he’s thankful
The dead are surprisingly gentle.
His chest no longer rises. Milky dead eyes
I don’t pretend to understand It’s a stupid trick, to pretend it’s easy
Now we’re this.
The blood is still red. As fresh as it gets.
Freshly dead.
So much of his life had been fear. He learned from past mistakes.
My relationship with David no longer is.
He was broken. I had no idea how to fix him.
Our old lives had been defined by what we had. I didn’t know how to let go.
His face a nightmare of gore and blood
David was a little less broken And I a little more
Rest in Peace Grandma
My grandma sadly passed away last night in her sleep. I had so many fun memories with her and now she is gone. Me and my family are going to miss her dearly and I pray she is with her husband in heaven. Rest in Peace Nana💔😇😭
A slow improvement
I’m not sure how to begin this, but I have been feeling a lot better than how I did these past 3 months. The 20th of this month (May) will be the 4th month since my grandpa’s passing. It has not been easy. I did not have the motivation to do anything, I would cry until my tear ducts felt dry, and I have been feeling numb/unemotional. I came to the realization that my grandpa would not want me to live my life like this. He would want me to continue to accomplish my goals and be happy. My grandpa lived a very long and eventful life of 86 years. I will forever miss him dearly and wish to call him and talk to him about everything. But I believe that we will see each other again in another life, God-willing.
My New Hobby and Appreciation for Life
2021 was a year of sadness and grief for me because of the loss of my grandpa. I felt hopeless and did not have the motivation to do anything. I lost interest in a lot of hobbies and communicating with my friends (I now only have 1 friend). But during that tough moment in my life, I ran into something that has continued to peak my interest. Haiku poetry. I ran into haiku while at the library (I had lost interest in reading and was looking for something of interest) and fell in love with how short yet vivid this short form of poetry is. It makes me think that one doesn’t need to say a lot to tell a story. In the process of coming to terms with my grandpa’s passing, I always went for long walks to get some fresh air (it was hard to push myself out of bed). I was always fascinated by the wildlife all around me. So I spent most of the year writing haiku to keep my mind off of anything that had to do with sorrow and grief. I would always write what I saw on my walks and create a new haiku about my experience. It’s interesting that haiku is a journey of experiencing through the senses of the writer.
It is now 2022 and I plan to share my haiku with anyone who is interested. I wish to be creative again and my love for haiku motivates me to go outside and appreciate life the best I can. I hope you all enjoy my upcoming poems, thank you!
the ghost you left behind
Someone else sleeps On your side of the bed. Everything got worse Before it go better. Is it better? I'm not as strong As I used to be. I don't like crying When I do I'm afraid it will never stop I died with you I am no longer Your "us" "We" "Our" My wife loves me She looked at me And said without saying There is not enough room For the three of us.
I grew up listening to this band. This news just hit me more that others 😢
Fishes
As if I could dredge the stars for a fragment of your light. As if I could draw a line from you to eternity. As if you could hear me when I cry.
The world is pale and sick without you. Anemic days weep through white curtains into the blister of silence forming around your absence.
Your shape is fading along with your voice. The colors are running and the silences bleed with memories of you.
I try to catch each one as they slip, like little silver fishes, into the deep.
I follow them and slide into waters so dark that I will never be seen again.
And I will follow them down forever to where the water meets the stars just to seek the color of your eyes.
©️ JM Tiffany
I work at a cemetery. Most ppl i bury are strangers. Today i buried some one i had known for a few years. Not that close but she was always nice to me and would bring food and drinks for the crew. I wanted to tell her family how sorry i was to hear about her passing and all, but it didnt really feel appropriate. All i said to them was "she was good to us". Her daughter seemed glad to hear that, like that was the kinda woman her mom was, taking care of everyone. Ive been feeling a bunch of emotions about it. Sad and all at work is different for me.
I miss her
Yet I don't know what to miss
I can't even recall a time where you smiled at me
Wherein you hugged me
Kissed me, held me
I can't even remember your voice
Tell me how can the death haunt us so miserably?
I didn't evem cry when I heard the news
Yet waterfall amount of tears are always decorating my face
How can I miss you when I don't know you?
When I don't have any personal recollection of you anymore?
I wish I could have said goodbye to you...
I wish that I had given you a picture of me so you would at least know how I look like now
You died having the image of a small child
When she had actually grown up into a woman
I miss her
Yet I don't know what to miss
I can't even recall a time where you smiled at me
Wherein you hugged me
Kissed me, held me
I can't even remember your voice
Tell me how can the death haunt us so miserably?
I didn't evem cry when I heard the news
Yet waterfall amount of tears are always decorating my face
How can I miss you when I don't know you?
When I don't have any personal recollection of you anymore?
I wish I could have said goodbye to you...
I wish that I had given you a picture of me so you would at least know how I look like now
You died having the image of a small child
When she had actually grown up into a woman
I miss her
Yet I don't know what to miss
I can't even recall a time where you smiled at me
Wherein you hugged me
Kissed me, held me
I can't even remember your voice
Tell me how can the death haunt us so miserably?
I didn't evem cry when I heard the news
Yet waterfall amount of tears are always decorating my face
How can I miss you when I don't know you?
When I don't have any personal recollection of you anymore?
I wish I could have said goodbye to you...
I wish that I had given you a picture of me so you would at least know how I look like now
You died having the image of a small child
When she had actually grown up into a woman
CAUTERIZATION
When life gets hard
I get high
Smoke in my lungs
With tears in my eyes
Clouds of bad habits
Billow up at the sky
Say it’s unhealthy,
You’re probably right
But I couldn’t care,
It’s how I get by
Pain is a drug to me
I lack the ability to react emotionally
Pain is normal,
A common thing
Distorting the lines of reality
And even though I know
It may one day kill me
As lethal as it may be
I don’t ever ask it to leave
Desperation… to feel anything
I would let all the hurt, swallow me
And to explain it; there is no analogy
It’s all in my soul, you see
Nothing I could write,
Nothing you could ever read
Could make another human being
Feel just how it feels,
to feel absolutely nothing
03.17.2024
2:45 A.M.
He’s still in the county jail, they haven’t taken him to prison yet. Said his out date would be some time in 2028. I don’t see how it could be that soon, somebody probably miscalculated & I’m not getting my hopes up. I hope I can change in the years that he isn’t around. I hope I can get my shit together. I think I will. I know I will. I’ll be 28 next month. I wanna be happy again.
How many days has it been?
When did I see your smile for the last time?
Where did you go?
Unbearable. I shove these thoughts down to the deepest depths inside me. I let Shame mask me.
My memories were stolen from me.
A blank, black screen appears when I try to access the memory. And many other memories.
I was denied a look at him, after he had-
“ Thaw would’ve been too traumatic!”
I’m now left with a guilt, for not being able to see you one last time.
You took everything from me. You claimed it was for the greater good. Now, I can’t even remember his face.
My grandma died one summer. I woke up, my grandpa was freaking out, told me to go back to sleep. He went outside, called an ambulance.
I didn’t listen.
“ Nana?”
Dust particles waved around in the light shining through the windows. In front of one window, was the bed I was supposed to sleep in. I never slept in that bed, I always moved to the couch. I could never sleep alone.
In that bed, lied my grandma. She was as angelic as she was in death as in life.
She however was lifeless. Of course, this isn’t my first loss. She had a red blanked covering her cold body, as if she was asleep. A tear rolled down my eye when I sat next to her body.
I touched her arm.
“Nana?”
“Are you okay Nana?”
“Wake up Nana!”
I touched her forehead, caressing her hair. I leaned in close, waiting for her to wake. But when I first saw her, I knew.
I knew she was gone.
Im left with an angelic image of my grandma forever in my brain. If anything, I think it’s the one thing that helped me cope the most.
But him? My last image of him was stolen from me. I can’t see his face anymore.
Because they kept me from him, he is out of reach.
And that, is forever unforgivable
She seemed intoxicated, only rather by exhaustion, than by whatever laced the cigarettes she'd rolled up that morning. One was just about to go out between her fingers. I took it from her, inhaled it back to life before tossing it onto the ground. It was weed, at least a third of it, tho the filters she used mellowed the taste. She looked at the bud somewhat saddened. 'Seventeen', she said, drawing a little x in the air with her finger. That was way too many, but she'd been cutting back admirably for weeks, and today was a rough day. I sighed. I swear, I thought, as who knows how many times before, if one more beloved soul leaves this wretched earth before mine, I'll cease. I looked at her then. Knowing I could never intentionally leave her behind, I sighed again, took a seat & lit me one of hers. Enough time to be responsible tomorrow..
"Do not use empty words to console a broken soul. What use are fake concerns? You might get cursed instead for uttering them."
A.D.
They would have been eighteen today.
Was it really worth it?
Dear Tumblr Diary
Was it really worth it? I have to say that yes! I know everyone and their mothers are talking about the slap that was seen around the world. Being that I’m more of a will smith fan. Than I am of Jada pinker and or Chris Rock. I have to say this to me, was seen a long time ago. Not Will Smith going up on stage SLAPPING the living shit out of Chris Rock. But! Will Smith standing up for himself as a person. I say person rather than man. Because in my eye’s your gender, sex (Identity) in that aspect has nothing to do with standing your ground and demanding your respect. Over the years I have seen how many people, celebrities or those who frequent them. Try and emasculate him, provoke him or taunt in one way or another. I’m not a person who’s big on pop culture or whats in the happening now. As an outlier, when things are big. Big enough to catch my attention. I give it!
Over the years, This red table from his wife, daughter and mother in law has come up. And other aspects of there lives have come into the public eye. Which in a patriarchal society, has made will smith seem like too much of a passive guy. "Seem" being the operative word here! I’ve always liked will smith because of his down to earth humor and relatability. I too, am his completion. And goofy like him too. I guess like most fans I have attached aspects of my identity to him and his success. I think thats why most people go really hard for there Idol. Or a celebrity that makes them feel.
I too know the ways of suffering in silence. I know how it feels to bite your tongue. And keep a pretty smilie face on for optics. It has to be hard for him in ways that we could and or only imagine. I do not have children and nor am I married to a woman who’s free to spill the beans about our personal matters. Now! Small disclaimer! (I don’t know shit about there personal lives) He for all intensive purposes can be just as guilty as her with having entanglements. BUt! The reason for this post is to share why I agree wit this, "SLAPPING" of the rock. The Chris rock, you see from other sources and even from both of their statements on social media they have Identified each other as friends. But! Would a friend constantly poke fun of you. Especially with a room full of people he could have chosen to poke fun at.
Almost every time I have seen Will smith in the media before this incident, It was deeply heart felt. When listing to him, either podcasters talk about him or when on YouTube videos of his being shown. It seemed to me there was always more behind that mans eyes. I believe, he felt that he could not choose wisely. I may be wrong. Fuck I am wrong because with everyone getting a divorce. He could HAVE left her! Or her leave him!? But they choose to stay together.
Was the joke a really bad joke no! But! When sources on TV and other social media outlets confirm that Jada has a medical condition. It makes it all the worse. Will smith on hot97 and other platforms is always in someone’s mouth. And who knows what was said between the couple about her condition. NOt!!!!! to mention as a gay man! My hair is everything to me. I like how it’s an extension of myself expression and Identity. So I can totally see this being that for any women. Especially a celebrity. I share in her pain in knowing that something thats out of her control is happening to her body. How she has to change her thoughts. Not to mention, her self perception is going to be a real eye opener for her.
She has brought up time before that she & Tupac have been in love. She to me has not gotten over that. Has not moved on or even properly grieved his death. I again can relate to wanting to love someone and it being snatched from you. Taken with out notice. Only to deal with the remains. It’s nothing you can do but! Deal!
Maybe these scenarios, are what we’re running in the thoughts of Will Smith. How he’s always shrugging things off. Letting things go. Being passive about the amount of disrespect that thrown him. There’s always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And talking about backs. The way the internet has show support! I have to say is funny, But! Fucked up. I myself had to take a MOMENT and realize I too play in to his man’s mental help.
This persons feelings are being disregarded! When people are constantly checking him about how he should behave and not how it’s ok to be. To just be. He’s a mentor, father, probably someone’s brother or cousin. He’s a husband. All titles, many people on this planet can relate to. Was rock wrong? I’m still indifferent about it because the statement says He did not know. And being that they are celebrities. He has his brand to run. And they have their own to run as well. As the women around always say “ MInd the business that pays you” and well, In Chris rocks case, It didn’t pay that well on stage. But!!!!! I have to say that he did handle that very well. Even when Will smith kept it going from his seat! He kept his composure.
I’m from the hood. So! For me one smack ain’t gonna kill no body. It night get you knocked out. But, It ain’t gonna kill no one. I