Self Healing - Tumblr Posts

Solo date at home

Don't start now - dua lipa (cover) 🧚‍♀️

You know those moments when you're left alone with your thoughts and you let them wander, and then suddenly you feel this tug in your mind? Like you know if you let your thoughts go any further now, you'll fall into a deep spiral that you don't quite know how to come out of? You quickly think of something else or, get up and start walking or do just about anything to just get away from it

It comes out of nowhere and leaves you so scared

How do you stop having these moments..

It is better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war.

The Pain means, you're Alive.. The Scars means, you've Survived.

You’ll be okay. Storms don’t last forever.

How are you feeling today?

While scrolling through my screenshot album, I saw my conversation with a good friend of mine which made me realized and learned something about myself lately. He told me, “You have the tendency to blame yourself for the things that have changed which caused good to you but a negative impact to other people unintentionally, since it’s not you who caused it.”

Those made me realized...

I was always too hard on myself. I do not even acknowledge my own achievements that I know I have been working on for a long time. I often care about how people think about me that majorly affects my decisions.

That is something I am currently working on for myself. This attitude will lead me to burnout, and that is not good.

And to you, do not be too hard on yourself. You are doing great. Even if it is just a gradual achievement, it is much better than doing nothing.

bREak up’S aRen’t only ROMAntic

Today.... I stopped thinking as an individual. I selflessly put my needs to the side and I thought of another. My sister. Now! before you start to think that how Could I categorize that as selfless, it’s normal to do that!. Please keep in mind that not all people! not all... Organic family structures are the same. My sister and I are recently getting a long.

And I have to say that in a very loose. Like stretched out taffy loose way. Because I still don't think that we get a long very well. But! there's a mutual respect among us. Our relationship has been strained due to how we were raised.

 I recently went though a break up. I broke up with my mother. You see. She, herself, is one of the many people who have been effected by the life of Black Harlem. In the era of the 70′s and early 80′s. Raised by a broken mother as well. A mother who never received help, Mentally,emotionally and in my personal opinion spiritually too. With this information. I just went over three generations. Myself. my mother and my mothers mother (aka) grandmother. All three people, including myself are people who in many way are emotionally voided, depleted. And in great need of great affection, validation and attention from our nuclear family units.

My grandmother is a very strong woman. (Lets call her Elsie) And! it’s not because she wants to be. My great Grandmother (Lets call her Barbra ) was not a very strong woman. She was a woman succumbed by her circumstance. To me that’s all fine and dandy.,,,, Why?,,,, you say?... Well..... Giving that (Barbra) was born and raised in North Carolina in the 1930‘s I have to say. She’d been though enough.

The way that I was able to get a good idea of what life was like back then (Elsie) are through movies. Such as ”What’s love got to do with it. “ Starring (Angela Bassett) or “The Help.” Staring (Viola Davis & Emma stone) and these movies takes place in the 60′s and 70′s. Now! For my great GRANDMOTHER! (Barbra) I believe She did the best that she could with what she knew how. She was not a scholar or a highly educated woman. But! she was loving, tolerant & mildly strong. But! that’s always been the case when it comes to women of color. They’re strong!

In these long drawn out rants I’m trying to paint you some details on how I have become the way that I have. By giving you the (reader) a clear understanding of my family history, I can avoid you guys thinking I’m a complete asshole. I swear, I’m just half of one! My great grandmother, as far as I know was a maid. and she’d done that for some time. Now! the kicker here is that I’m getting all of this second hand. Not from the horses mouth herself. When I was young. like say..... 10 or even 11 she must have been in her mid 50′s. I knew not what to ask. I also was not it he mindset like I m now to ask her.

When I became much older and more inquisitive about why people were behaving the way that they were in my family. Secrets begun to spill! ...Ahhh that's a lie, more like sprinkle! Yes Sprinkle!!! Over the years I would get little pieces here and there that would not add up until I had done my own psychology study. Started to plug two and two together to make 22!!!!  My grand mother married or at least had relations with a man who was very wealthy. As far as I know. They birth one child together. My grandmother (Elsie) And choose to not stay around for too long.

Here’s where the discord, resentment and self loathing comes into  the family tree. My supposed great grandfather had ambition that out weighed what my great grandmother could even fathom. He asked her what her goals were. What she wanted in life. He asked her if she wanted to have the full American dream. A house and home full of children. As I try my best to understand. Where she’s from. Where her people before her may have come from. Ultra humble beginnings. Her understanding of life. to see why she had mad the choice she had! The twist to this is that My supposed great grandfather was rich.And an Indigenous man. And my grandmother is half African American and half indigenous as well. Two cultures. two huge differences.

From what I understand is that Native American or Indigenous people like to stick with there own. And so does Black women today too. .. Supposedly.. This was a time where people (from my understanding) were not about Racially or ethnically mixing. Despite the fact Barbra is mixed herself. With these pivotal details. He left my grandmother because He felt she was okay with a plate of food and watching TV. I know there has to be more to her story. I wish I had found out sooner. Now! I may have to call her spirit to find out more. And interpretation can get a little messy. 

With all of these colors that painting this family portrait. Barbra had moved on in her life and actually married another man (I can confirms this.) A man who added to the brew of sorrow. I wont give you his last name. But his first name was James. And boy he was a sorry mother fucker. He was an abusive husband and a rapist. As well as a child predator. He would beat on Barbra and rape Elsie, until she had enough and fought back. I also know for a fact that he raped my great uncles and aunts too. All the women in the ranks of great aunts. Don’t allow men to do certain things, even jokingly. They were very, very, over protective of us the children. Even from the males in our family.

From the trauma my grand received from 13 and up. She had become a cold woman. At least to me, this is what I saw.  As a child I was nervous to be around her. Her face, although it showed emotion. It never seemed to shine with light. The blank looks in her eyes. And female baritones of her voice. If you need a sad but accurate portrait of how she looks and an even better on in how she behaves. Just watch the actress “Monique“ in the movie (Precious.) I don't like to bad mouth anyone (who’s family) or make myself seem like “Oh! poor me! But these are just the facts of my life. When I watched the movie “Precious” I could not think of anyone else.

Yes, the movie does feel like how my mother had been raised.My grand had five children all together. And my mother is the eldest. A torch I bare myself. now! As far as the horses mouth! I fed this one myself. I had been cornered by Elsie one day at one of my baby cousins birthday party's. I guess the guilt was ridding her. It was very unexpected. However.... I do have to say, I did pray to “Ochun“ that week. I forgot what for! But! I will give where credit is due. Ochun had given me the clarity I needed to heal from this generational curse.

My grand had come over and literally corned me. She pulls me to the side and begins to sorrow vomit all over me. I was so confused and then I begun to be very sad. You see. I have always heard stories of how my grandmother would beat the kids and how she was extra as fuck. But! when your a teenager and you haven't been through stuff like. What they’re describing. You can only start to think that these are some hate’n ass bitches. Until you hear it straight from the source herself. She proceeds to tell me how. She ain’t shit, wasn't shit and how she don't wanna be a piece of shit anymore!

Standing there, hearing all of those shitty things she had done to my mother and her siblings made me really fucking down. At the moment I was like why the fuck is she telling me all of this. That moment I take it in strides of what that could have meant. Or what it is. depending on my mood and what I’m feeling the meaning changes. I think, at times I was a proxy for her. Since her and my own mother do not speak at all. Other times I look at it as the family history I need to know. In order to know whats happening for the future. The details are how we are. How we have gotten to this place in our family. It’s terrible that the details are sucky. But they’re important.

My mother! Man this woman is a vault of locked secrets. Unfortunately I cant say that about her legs. Any time my mother gets around her type of man. I can mentally see her oozing honey from her Venus fly trap. Legs, springing wide open. Eyes hypnotizing her unknowing victim. (lol) As vivid as that sounds my moms not a slut! I swear!. My mother is an educated woman. A woman who is about her house and home and herself. and always herself. And herself and herself.

Despite being raised by a trauma ridden mother. My mother to me was always dramatic. And has always responded to me as If I was the one who caused her situation to be worse than, what SHE mad it out to be. I should stop writing her as my mother and write her as egg downer. I’m in my feelings.

It’s abundantly clear to me that she never wanted children. Her actions speak louder than her words. However when you tell a narcissist that you would do something for them that's not about them. They tend to make it more about them, When it actually isn't. And get mad about it! (for better context) My mother hid me from my father until I was five years old. That is until the whistle blower. Barbra, spilled the beans to my fathers side of the family. And told them that there’s a new baby in our family and I believe that he is yours too. I tried asking these questions and I get the same reply all the time. It was a challenging time for me. (But! I have questions I have the right to be answered.)

My aunt on my fathers side, told me that she had offered to adopt me if my mother wanted to continue to live her life. I don’t think that the offer was out of spite or malice. I do believe that she had and still has all of the best intentions for me then and even now. Albeit, that’s how the cookie crumbled

 I know She has a lot of trauma. I know she needs psychological help . Or accept it and then whoosah that out!  But! that’s something I cant help her with. Therapy is only for those who seek help. Who actually want it. For most of my child hood I felt Like I was an adult. Always carefully making decisions. Doing stuff  that would give me anxiety. Or having very adult conversations about shit I should not be in. Over all I’m an adult now. With a little bit more sound mind. I’m no longer a child and burdened with the thoughts of how can I deal with this now.

She abandoned me when I was 16. Barley even spoke to me in my 20′s and now in my 30′s. Fully stable and having an amazing career. you wanna start talking to me. You wanna be more active in my life. Be the more motherly. Gurl... bye!!!! I feel the relationship between us is too strained.

For the  sake of honestly and for the sake of me telling you all about my family and its truth. I have tried with her. I allowed her to be in my life. and without skipping a beat she acts as if nothing between us has never occurred. For some people that's cool and okay. For me, I just put up Berlin Walls and barbwire for boundaries. because actions are habitual. At first people try. They may even change. But! When complacency hits! They go back into the same habits. I say this Because that Is what happened. She wanted me to do more for her than she she was willing to do for me. She continuously invalidate what I want. My beliefs and my actions. So, I told her that I can not continue having her in my life. She does not see where she has gone wrong but that is a decision she has made. She’s selfish!

In her selfishness. we had to learn how to deal with her on a day to day basis. Which is why I say “ I too: have issues as well. But! I will not let them pass on to my children.” I mean, I’m the only one who can! My sister cut out her testicles. I mean what the fuck. Now the burden of having children falls on to my shoulders. Besides children, being an Issue. I have to say that my sister in personality is very much like my mother. I’ve also put her on the back burner. She is the pot of beans I put on the stove. But have not turned on. Her energy and personality is too dam extra at times when I’m trying to chill & be breezy.

Well. recently that hot tempered extra person. Done and went down and simmered. Which for me, is not normal at all. I’d rather seem my sister annoyed than sad. Because I don't know what she would do if she’s too sad. That scares me! I have no clue what to do if she was too, too sad. This simmering pot of water I need her to be at a boil. But! she would not allow me to know what’s going on with her. Until It was a bit much for her to hold in. This year alone three of her friends/ associates has died. And one of her really good cis female friends had gotten into a very rough car crash where her face and the steering wheel were basically one. Not to mention she he self is living a life that most deem problematic.  

To be continued...   

Dear Diary #2

Today is another day in the life that I wish I had better control over. Recently I had done a reading for this Philly photographer I know of. for some shrooms. I had an interesting experience the first time I had tried it. So I wanted to try it again.

He's in town for New York fashion week. He stopped by my job to drop them off. Honestly I was a bit annoyed by him because he took an additional 3 hours to get to me. He through me off track for the evening. I have a nightly routine I like to keep to. I work out when I wake up, go to work and work out before I go to sleep.

Well, after getting the shrooms, I have to say that I honestly hesitated to take them. I was alone that night. And people have always said that if you're not experienced in it that you should not take them alone.... But! I did anyway. I like to make tinctures or teas. Instead of taking them flat out. To me I think it's easier to control them that way. If I have felt I've taken too much I can always dilute it. Or! so I thought.

After a few days of contemplating if I should do it or not. I evenly took out my portable coffee grinder. Placed the bits and pieces of the shrooms into the grinder and ground them into a course mix and added it to a tea that I had brewed for fat loss. Man!!!! was that shit nasty. lol There was not enough brown sugar in the world to replace that taste. lol

After taking a few sips, I was not feeling anything at all so I started to gulp it. Five min started to pass. Then ten, around twenty minutes. I started to hear the Tv slur. Which slightly freaked me out. I was too shocked because the high's I've ever experienced were head highs. Not body highs and this! This high, was both. I stared laughing for what ever reason. I was very confused about it. I felt like a child. I really did! I was scared & confused because I did not know what I should expect. But! at the same time I felt safe and wanted. Weird! right!?

My mind was too nervouse think about anything. Honestly all I could focus on was the good and not the bad. My shroom experience made me realize. I am not alone. I'm not a terrible man, I'm not hateful as much as I thought I was. And I'm only responding to what has been presented to me and this is not me. I'm actually a happy person. I'm beautiful or handsome if you want to add gender. I'm not a loser. I'm not alone. I have purpose and I have value. The people who walk with me in life are here because they choose to. Not because they have to. & to me that means the world. Because If you choose to do something. It says so much about the person you choose to do stuff for.

For years I have always been hard on myself. I let the experices I had define who I was. And not anymore! I'm strong enough to understand the difference between experiences and choices. All the things that I have been holding on to were and are experiences. Not my choice. Not me.

I'm not too sure if I would ever take shrooms again. I said out loud to myself several times, I don't like this feeling. I felt very whoosh and my motor functions were not the best. I felt like a methadone addict on 125th the way I was leaning in my house. The walls were trailing as I passed by them. I like it and did not like it at the same time. Ask me in a few months and I'll tell you how I feel. Knowing me, I'll probably say yes again. lol

Albeit this is me sharing my experience with you. Not! telling you to do it. I needed to know for myself what this was about and I was curious about it. Since, I've done a very small amount before this experience. I also called my Enchantress friend. So technically I was not a lone. even though She lives in the next state over!

Dear Diary#3

This is the part 2 of what it is like. I new that he was talking shit bout me to those who “ care “ about him.

HOw am I suppose to feel about any of this. What are the appropriate thoughts I should have? What do I get out of this?

The child I had an hand in, in raising. In influencing, In shaping has sooo much to say when I give options to rectify. When I was addressed by the adults. All I heard was excuses.

I’m so glad That I’m able to feel as free as I want to be now. Now that he is leaving my house I can feel the calm that came before this man made storm. I brought this on to myself because I though that this guy was worth it. You see, people bring up the fact that he’s 18. But! When things are supposed to go his way, he’s a man and should have the liberties to do what it is that he wants to do.

To me! That Is straight bull shit. Yes I was on my own. A lot more than he was. He was sheltered more than me. But! This is the way the world is operating. I’m doing what I would call a merciful crulty. Although to me it’s not cruel. But if you aren’t me and do not know what It is that I know. You’ll see I’m being truly kind. This to me makes me feel Iike I’m Thano’s in the MCU. Where everyone thought he was the bad guy by how he went about his business. No! I’m not killing anyone . BUt! I am being hard on the young man because. All he knows is comfort. What happens to a man in the real world who only knows comfort. He becomes another mans bitch! Or even a woman’s bitch! And with that. Too be a woman’s bitch, to me, is worse! Because, most of all, women that is, have expressed. That’s not what they want. Not what they Value. Not what they, most..... importantly respect!!!

If a woman does not respect you. You have lost already. Men! They will always be around. You can always do something to make a man want you. The trick is, you just have to be consistent. But! Women! No! Because the world is so unnecessarily hard on them. They wont take less than, from any man. They will use you until they spit you out! This is why I’m hard on him. He’s a fool for that good, good. And yes it’s happened to him more than once. He’s an introvert. So he does not talk about his feelings. BUt! Only lets you know what he want you to know so he can use you to his benefit. Something I have seen in him and will continue to disconnect myself from him for! His mother will always be a mother. But! To me he’s a shitty person.

Especially when all you have to do is ask. I will no longer be willfully blind to the actions of those who are around me or involved in my life. I’ve developed a new love language and it is called consistency. If you are consistently being an amazing person to me. I will be to you. But! No longer will I do this fucking stupid Jesus shit where I see and Minimize what I see happening in front of me. This is what I think the young man has come to me to for. In writing this, I did not think this at all until I started to ramble like morning birds on a tired day in my head. Thank you for these thoughts today, Tumbler Diary.  

In the last few months things have been more abnormal, than normal for me. It’s pretty interesting to say that I find myself operating at a level of chaos that I shouldn’t be. Hectic situations are like being able to see the sun clearly. Where others only see purple storm clouds. I have always been grown. My youth was stolen from me. Ripped from the cage in my chest that holds my little beating heart. The adults around me forged a weapon against one another fom my little remains. Mother and child against father with son. Kin against kin.

Since the age of 7 years, adults have questioned me! Told me! Volun-told me what I should think and what I should do.

From there I was told how I should feel about my mother and ill fitting she was. And I was told about how much a loser my father was. Nothing, was fair for me. No experience of greatness thrusted for me to experiment of what I had come from. Only what I supposedly lacked.

By the ones we call family. On both sides, are the ones that create situations that ultimately have nothing to do with them. It’s always when the shoe is placed on the other foot they see how it feels.. …With no regret, I practice my bitch craft and I practice it fiercely. No hold bars. And anyone can catch a sift blade of my palatial sword. Burn from my relentless gaze.

I. Still angry because no one want to hear me speak. Vent, let out all of that anger. Tell my truth. I need to have the. Own up to what they have done. Admit that you were wrong and that I cost me emotionally type venting. In the end everything feels as it doesn’t matter because I was not planned more wanted in the first place. The shadows of there faces linger on my thought because I have been on my own for a very long while. I have been creating my own families. And still nothing ever compares. In one way or another I am, in the subtlest of ways. Reminded of my place in these places. In these groups, in these homes. I think that I will feel at ease. And at home, when I create my own organic family. Find my partner. Build a home. Create a stable life. And have babies.

I think that I’m ready to do this and never look back at those who I have come from. To never let my children and partner know what foolery, ignorance and contemptuous people that I birth from. “Now Is the time. Now is the hour. Now is the magic. Now is the power!”

Dear Tumbler Diary #4.

This drill weekend has brought forth so much opportunity. I’m great full. That the Gods have answered my prayers. Fun fact about me! I’m not Christian. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I say it jokingly but! I’m not! I’m a worshiper of the 7 AFRICAN POWERS. And Eleggua has heard my prayers. And has been intending to my thoughts. My thoughts of these past weeks were. “ What the fuck! Am I going to do!?” You see I’m a soldier, a warrior. And no I’m not tooting my own horn. It’s modernized. but! Yes, I’m down to fight for all that jazz and glamour of being here in this country. I have no issues with her. Her being Bitch America.

For she birth me and my ways of thinking. IF you haven’t read most of. My post already. i have mommy issue. I can’t seem to trust them. They always seem to fail me one way or another. With all this being said. I actually love what I do. I love being close with people who get what it’s like. The likeness of having a purpose to do! The likeness of to help and to protect and to have purpose. I know were all complicated people qt the end of the day. Even when we think that were not. We are!

America and her 2nd son Big army has employed me to do a job of helping people. Helping direct them int he direction they need to be in, in order to get the vaccine and other covid related things. I was on Covid mission for a few months an made a very pretty penny. Since then I have now a beautiful living space and a nice car to call my own. with all of this, has come a bit of an extra serving of money. Money that America and dear Uncle Sam have accidentally given me. $3,000.00 Now! I have to put that back.. Ohh wait sorry, wrong version! There taking it back and blindsidingly so!

Two months ago. I had to go to drill and I was gone for 54 whole days. In army money that makes up a big chunk of money. Money that adds onto the next week for me. So! What they givth they Takith a way. My check at that time was very close to $900.00 and they only have me $200. When usually I get $600.00 from my other job. I hate to say it like this but! What the fuck am I going o do wit $200.00 THIS SHIT BLEW MINE. Not to mention. All of my big boy bills ar will over $500.00 so i started to delay my funds. Take from one to put to another. This Fuckery of my supposed favorite Uncle. With my housing and check and all other things pushed back by two weeks. I begun to freak out and shut down. To where I watch reruns of Grey’s anatomy and analyze the faces of the actors. “ Then questions “What did I ever see in this ep” to believe in the acting? Or! I try to sleep and cant, then I have to wake up fully just to start my day.

You see I use to be a Drifter… A male Gypsy. Floating from couch to couch. Now with a place all of my own. I felt free I felt liberated. I felt or feel like I can o anything that I want to do. I NO longer feel like I’m bound by the social rules of being polite. Of feeling like if I don’t that I’ll lose out. I don’t call it fake. i call it being in survive mode. A mode that i do not like to be in.

A little goes a long way!

I woke up today at 3:00am.... it was relatively dark. I usually wake up at 5 to do some ill attempt at working out. But! when I woke up today. My body knew it was too early. In my large queen size bed. Half dressed in clothes I dare not put away because well. I 'm a mess. When I need to look do things its hard to find them because they are folded and I cannot Identify what's what! I turn over from facing my wall. To the large pile of clothes that literally take up half of my bed.

In the pile, I sift through the close to find my phone and Wa La. I find my phone and the time of 03:00. From here, I turn back over to face the wall and recover myself with my blanket that's half swallowed by my clothes. The room is cold. And my body is starting to be alert as if I'm awake now. Annoyed at the fact my body is waking up. So does my consciousness. Drifting from the silent space of empty thought. In to this warm aware and loud sounding space in my head.

I turn from the wall on to my back and glare up at the ceiling. Bored already. Time is beginning to move. I don't want to get up. I not want to move my body and force this fat that's been keeping me warm to leave. My natural winter coat. Keeping still, I lay there. lightly thinking of what exercises I should do. This is a morning of many. Bored with this routine, I glare away from the ceiling to my phone and scroll the ticktock. Bored even further with the usuals of what's my (for you) page until I come across. The show "What would you do?"

I like this show because it is a light form of social experiments. Putting people in predicaments to see if they will or will not step up in a time of need. So I watched a few clips and then drift over to YouTube from ticktock. Because the episodes are much longer on YouTubes platform. There I watch some interesting ones. And ones that are a lot more serious. I think I watched five. In this time I have wasted my sleep time watching videos. Now! I'm even more annoyed with myself. I should have just went back to sleep. It's 06:00 and Now I'm up writing. lol

But! one of the videos struck a cord for this entry. The spoiled child! the last video was about a parent who was on a budget of $100.00 and a child who was rude and mean to his mom. He wanted the $200.00 sneakers and she could only afford the $100.00 sneakers. the scene begins where they walk into he store and he's a head of her. She kindly and politely reminds him of there budget a he starts to call her stupid and yell at her. Then he tries to get people on his side. But! Of course the other adults, sided with the mom. And also tries to reason with the 13 year old boy.

Then, this has me thinking about my own experiences. With my mother. Where, one, she would have literally slapped me. And also embarrassed me too for speaking to her like that. And two, she would have gotten a pair of shoes for me without me knowing. I would have been told I have a new pair. That would have been that. Event though my mother took us clothes shopping it was always, stand here and hold that. Or! I would look very annoyed and wait for her to shut the hell up because she decided to have this long drawn out conversation with who'm ever she met that day. About me and how fast I was growing. And how expensive I was becoming for her. HUmmm It's not like I gave birth to myself.

Many times I have heard my mother talk bout how she provided for me and my brother in a way that was triggering for her! (My words not hers) Meaning. She got us all the things that she never had. We did all the things that she was not able to do when SHE was young. so! This has me thinking! About the scenario on "What would you do?" If this was real. Are people projecting on to their children, the way my mother was to me? And if so! Is this the behavior that has come from it? And! Is it the Childs fault? Behaving this way, when in fact. The child is not having their own unique experience. But a parallel reality to their parents. To me this is not a real reality. Parents living through there children are not giving their children what it is the actual child needs. To me its a double edge sword. Can we say that this is emotional vampirism. I give you what you need but I give it to you in the way that feeds me from you?

All this thinking so early in the morning. lol So then, I started to think about another time that I've come across this. My house guest was having an issue with for all intended purposes his stepfather. My house guest's mother and her man are common law married. They have been together for 10 plus years. I believe in the state of New York that is Common law. There have been many ups and many downs. Sided with a plethora of arguments of thee most mundane. At least I thought they were silly until I stopped riding my high horse. Down I came with a lent ear. I wanted to know why they argued all the time.

My house guest was much younger than he is now. When this specific situation occurred. And his response was that there's no space. Which I do agree. It maybe a 3 bedroom apartment but there's more than four people living there. Space was defiantly an Issue. The other reason given was that! there was nothing for him to do! You can imagine my surprise when I heard that response. Nothing? there's nothing you could do!? He says no! So I asked. You need to go further in explanation. How could there be noting for you to do? There's outside. There's the internet. And he just me off and says that he's not allowed to go outside. He's not allowed to be on the internet at a certain time. I gasped for air. I Was lost and confused as to why would you not be allowed to go outside or be on the internet.

To. me I thought he was being dramatic. So I go to his stepfather and asked what's wrong. I know it was none of my business. From time to time we all need to talk about what it is that others us. I'm in my 30's and well my generation is the bridge I like to think that has just begun to say it is okay to have feelings and express them too. The stepfather is pushing 60 I think. I know that he is in his mid to late 50's. In his. time men were raised to be emotionless. Not that they could not show emotion. It was that they could not show one's that made people think less of them.

I understood that I had to walk on egg shells. That this person has a strong history of feeling emotionally attacked. with all this being said it took me a few hours to pierce his wall and let him know that he was in a safe space with me. That what ever was said would be safe. Not shared and not made fun of. Listening is just not, If not, more effective for people's spirit than actually talking. Listening with out interjection. Listing without faces and judgment can really bring life back in to a place that was bare and raw. I eventually had to ask him questions when he started to slow down in his expressions. What had come from this was that his father was never home. His father never cared what he did or did not do. He didn't feel protected. Valued or cared for. So inches way this was how she was showing it to my house guest. But! I tried to explain to him. That what he's expressing to my guest was not his issue. What he is seeing with you is a man who won't let him do anything. A man who's hard on him. and for what?

I love listening to people speak. Because in that second of me telling him what he said. Playing it back of him. Word for word. Slowly. He then realized. How his step son felt. How his feelings were being projected on to my house guest and that he also does that in other areas of his life. Has he changed? A bit! He's much older now! From when this situation happened. Because he is a man who has been taken and manipulated by the system and fell into it's traps. He still has a long way to go. Before he is fully different. But! what is important is that he is man who cares for his children and stayed. I can not believe I've gotten all this from laying down in bed, being bored.

Silly, Billy, Boy

Dear Tumblr Diary #6

After coming home from my first deployment, I was fortunate enough to go back to work on a military duties (Covid missions). For two yearsI was financially okay. I was able to make full payments on any and all my bills. I speak on this because it’s a little rough out here right now. I’m doing things I don’t care to to do. Only because it pays the bills. And the process of finding work is daunting, even draining!I would like to develop other skills out here. However, they take too much of your soul. Just to get in to the course.

Speaking of souls, I found out yesterday on Saint Patrick's that one was called home. Although I enjoy helping people and caring for them. I do not wish to be a HHA anymore. It's convenient but not suitable for me anymore. This would make the second or third death that I had to deal with or at least know about. Back in 2019 I cared for a man who was really sweet. In this line of work. Being a caretaker, you get to know people very personally. He was a man in his late 80's pushing his 90's. He was a souther black man. Although to me he look Indigenous. He had a hydrated caramel complexion. Bald head and a twang in his speak. He was also a man of streets. Well sorta. He was a hustler. In the time that I had known him, he would lend out money to people and shake them down. It was kind of cute to see him do this. Because he was no joke.

Even though he was strong in personality he was kind in other aspects. As I am an obvious homosexual, he was nice to me and like the way I mad my eggs. lol I knew that my culinary background would come in handy when I became a HHA, because I learned that the elderly can't cook or not able to cook for themselves as often as they use too. In training I was informed that there are times the elderly would eat cat food because of the affordability. And because they were on a fixed income. It's kind f scary to think that if you do not set yourself up for success or have children or even maintain relationships. No one will be there for you in the end.

My patient at the time lived in a facility where the elderly live. Albiet this one was much nicer and! It was his apartment. He was still lonely and a by himself. I think that's why he would behave the way he did. hustle, lone money out to people and shake the down when they didn't give it back. I tell you there's some thing cute when they still think they have it!

Besides him being a shaker downer and a sweet guy. He also came with a past like most people do. One time he became upset with me because he knew that I was becoming distant with him. He Eventually asked me why! I had to be honest with him and let him know that I was leaving and not for the reason that he thought. I told him that I was deploying in a couple of months and that I had a lot of training to do. And the the company also took me off the case because they need me to do something that should have been done months prior and penalized me for not doing it. In this time he received another aid and she was not like me at all. Too focused on her phone and not too focused on him. She did not speak, when she came in. Did not clean or cook. He begged me to come back and I could not. Thats when my heart broke.

When I take on a case, I remind myself, this has nothing to do with me and everything about the person I’m caring for. I remind myself, how I would like to be treated. How I would you like for someone to treat grandma. I try to display love them, as you would love my own. With these thoughts and feelings I strive to be the best. Despite how people perceive home health aids.

One of my most rememberable moments with my patient was when he addressed my homosexuality. He stated that he knew. And that he was comfortable, comfortable enough to share on his own experiences. How when he was in jail he would have relations with other men and how in that environment it was normal. He also, in a way stated that he loved me. Which I had to raise an eye brow at. I did not know how to take it. He stated that he was attracted to me and that he could now understand how two men could be involve and have a lasting love. I mean in this situation and in his experience with men and women. I being the care taker. To him I must have been perceived as a women. In his era, the roles I’m in, his social reality would have been a woman's role or job.

With this perspective. My perceived red flags, lowered from a red. Down to an amber orange. Steadying at a canary yellow in to a lime green. I didn't have to worry about, me being turnt around, cooking. All to then being sexually assaulted by him, being groped making breakfast eggs. That I have to say he was always pleasant to be around. It just saddens me that he passed away from covid in may of 2020. I should have reached out and called him.

But! Because I’m no longer with that company there was a clause for us not to reach out to patients when you depart. I didn't want to get sued so I stayed to my self. Only recently did I dare venture out and ask if he was okay and found this information. In a way I have to say that I think I failed him. I think I left him in the hands of people who could have done better for him. These agents only care about there money. I can sit here and say a Cliché line. Such as he’s in a better place. As far as I know his spirit is still in that tiny studio apartment and in happy. What I have learned from this situation is never things you have more time than you do. Because the clock is always clicking. Always moving.If not for you! It’s always clicking for someone else.

When you get the chance, say hello. Tell people you miss them and that they’re on your mind. Tell them, that you even hate them. Just to get the conversation started. But! Try your best to never let a day go by where people who invoke a feeling don’t know how they make you feel.

Was it really worth it?

Dear Tumblr Diary

Was it really worth it? I have to say that yes! I know everyone and their mothers are talking about the slap that was seen around the world. Being that I’m more of a will smith fan. Than I am of Jada pinker and or Chris Rock. I have to say this to me, was seen a long time ago. Not Will Smith going up on stage SLAPPING the living shit out of Chris Rock. But! Will Smith standing up for himself as a person. I say person rather than man. Because in my eye’s your gender, sex (Identity) in that aspect has nothing to do with standing your ground and demanding your respect. Over the years I have seen how many people, celebrities or those who frequent them. Try and emasculate him, provoke him or taunt in one way or another. I’m not a person who’s big on pop culture or whats in the happening now. As an outlier, when things are big. Big enough to catch my attention. I give it!

Over the years, This red table from his wife, daughter and mother in law has come up. And other aspects of there lives have come into the public eye. Which in a patriarchal society, has made will smith seem like too much of a passive guy. "Seem" being the operative word here! I’ve always liked will smith because of his down to earth humor and relatability. I too, am his completion. And goofy like him too. I guess like most fans I have attached aspects of my identity to him and his success. I think thats why most people go really hard for there Idol. Or a celebrity that makes them feel.

I too know the ways of suffering in silence. I know how it feels to bite your tongue. And keep a pretty smilie face on for optics. It has to be hard for him in ways that we could and or only imagine. I do not have children and nor am I married to a woman who’s free to spill the beans about our personal matters. Now! Small disclaimer! (I don’t know shit about there personal lives) He for all intensive purposes can be just as guilty as her with having entanglements. BUt! The reason for this post is to share why I agree wit this, "SLAPPING" of the rock. The Chris rock, you see from other sources and even from both of their statements on social media they have Identified each other as friends. But! Would a friend constantly poke fun of you. Especially with a room full of people he could have chosen to poke fun at.

Almost every time I have seen Will smith in the media before this incident, It was deeply heart felt. When listing to him, either podcasters talk about him or when on YouTube videos of his being shown. It seemed to me there was always more behind that mans eyes. I believe, he felt that he could not choose wisely. I may be wrong. Fuck I am wrong because with everyone getting a divorce. He could HAVE left her! Or her leave him!? But they choose to stay together.

Was the joke a really bad joke no! But! When sources on TV and other social media outlets confirm that Jada has a medical condition. It makes it all the worse. Will smith on hot97 and other platforms is always in someone’s mouth. And who knows what was said between the couple about her condition. NOt!!!!! to mention as a gay man! My hair is everything to me. I like how it’s an extension of myself expression and Identity. So I can totally see this being that for any women. Especially a celebrity. I share in her pain in knowing that something thats out of her control is happening to her body. How she has to change her thoughts. Not to mention, her self perception is going to be a real eye opener for her.

She has brought up time before that she & Tupac have been in love. She to me has not gotten over that. Has not moved on or even properly grieved his death. I again can relate to wanting to love someone and it being snatched from you. Taken with out notice. Only to deal with the remains. It’s nothing you can do but! Deal!

Maybe these scenarios, are what we’re running in the thoughts of Will Smith. How he’s always shrugging things off. Letting things go. Being passive about the amount of disrespect that thrown him. There’s always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And talking about backs. The way the internet has show support! I have to say is funny, But! Fucked up. I myself had to take a MOMENT and realize I too play in to his man’s mental help.

This persons feelings are being disregarded! When people are constantly checking him about how he should behave and not how it’s ok to be. To just be. He’s a mentor, father, probably someone’s brother or cousin. He’s a husband. All titles, many people on this planet can relate to. Was rock wrong? I’m still indifferent about it because the statement says He did not know. And being that they are celebrities. He has his brand to run. And they have their own to run as well. As the women around always say “ MInd the business that pays you” and well, In Chris rocks case, It didn’t pay that well on stage. But!!!!! I have to say that he did handle that very well. Even when Will smith kept it going from his seat! He kept his composure.

I’m from the hood. So! For me one smack ain’t gonna kill no body. It night get you knocked out. But, It ain’t gonna kill no one. I

Open or close casket

How much of yourself is supposed to be given in the name of love? What are the rules for living independently, dependently? Can I breath with my own permission? Am I allowed to feel what I want without you!?

At what point, is affection and consideration, gestures willingly done without force?

People say being single is terrible. I say being single is a book that needs to be written. Single people witness couples people go through there ups and downs. Single people believe it or not! Know most of your intimate Intricacies as well your inadequacies too. All in the name of being heard. I listen!

Relationships are conventionally thought to be two people who admires so much that they rather be together than a part. In today’s world it’s almost always how hard can you make me cum. How much can you give me for this pleasure? Well if you don’t know. Im single who’s ready to mingle. But! Many of my close friends are not. One in particular is the Enchantress. A woman so beautiful, she is said to make even the most of (homo) reconsider if he is.

You see, she’s been in a relationship with this man for two going on three years now. A relationship that was budding like the spring equinox were in. Often I’d see her rushing into a cab leaving us behind. While we were in a group setting. Usually I would consider this being rude. But! I too know the bee sting of love. Her man is a doctor who originally from South America. But! Was raised here in the states. My friend has a taste for the luxurious things in life. She chooses to be with a man who has what it takes. Than a man she’s have to build up and be drained from. And No! She has her own. And yes! She does identify, occasionally, as a gold digger.

The way she puts it, is that men. No matter where, on the planet choose to be with a naturally bountiful woman. A woman who can and does understand his emotional, physical and spiritual needs. So why not be with a man who can make this bond, a enjoyable one. Never having to worry about the price on a tag. Or the amount on a dinner bill. To focus on what she’s naturally capable of doing. Giving birth and tending to their children.

I had a hard time, honestly; viewing her perspective at first. Until I first hand had seen what women go through in romantic settings. How they are expected to always give up or tend to more than their partners. This too can be implied to feminine gay men, who are the submitters in there relationship. You see, to me submission is an act of great trust. It is one of the most valuable things any person can give to one another. Now! For the sake of this post. I’ll do my best to stay on topic. However. Straight men or other identifying people can submit to their wives and partners too. It’s a bond. Which is why people kill for love. In the case of the enchantress, I have seen her do this over and over. To the point that I don't understand why she gives him so much privilege. Time after time I see how each time he chips away from her. Little by little there's parts of her light that grows dimmer and dimmer. I wonder How thins will turn out in the end.

At the end of the day all we or me, can do is help her see what's happening. After all, to many people, love is blind.

The desire of the heart is what makes her so vulnerable to his actions. She's not unaware of how things are for her. She see's she feels and she knows. there's been times when I tell her to think about it all. Think about how you would feel in the future with this man. When you wed this is what you wed into. You take on him, his burdens, his mother, even his children and the 1st baby mama! Yes! I said it 1st. that's coming up later ronin much detail.

I have to say, when you choose to bind yourself or anyone else you must think of how hard it is to be them. Love spells are not something to be played with because in fact they are not love spells. they are domination spells and binding spells. Actions that strip or lessen the will of another. That is why you must make sure the person loves you on their own accord. And not just" like" you! She herself has said the root has worked stuplendidly. And yes she said she waited for him to love her before she loved him. Or loves him. But! What spell could be so, If he's already being worked on? Regardless of the spell cast on to this man. Or even for future knowledge. You must be clean of the eyes that lay on you. You must have a clean subject to work on. Paint you canvas with your herbs and candles. But! if the cloth or canvas is stained with that of another. What say you do? What do you do. And that is nothing! Or nothing but! Clean. And this is where I believe the Enchantress trouble's lie. She fell for a canvas that's been soiled and cast upon. And like a woman in love. She did not clean and or wait. She did not see the signs or what had been done. Only what her heart desired, She saw what her spells have brought her. A man of her wishes.

The desires of the Enchantress is that:

A man who can love, even through the dullest of pain, sharpest of blades. That he'd be able to continue to push through and try.

A man who's wealth goes beyond that of his first, second and even third born children. A wealth that is not worried for. Where the children can be sing gleefully and be most gay.

A man who puts his wife's needs before his own and expect the same in return.

But! these are only but a few mutters I was able to hear from the parched lips of my sister witch. For her spells are hers. I myself prefer the scrying of my crystal balls and tarot work. With the watchful eyes of the "MIST" people to do my bidding. I think that spells are last resort. Unless other wise absolutely needed. Manipulation I feel is just as good, if not better. Because The mind and heart wants what it wants. And that can undo or break through, poke through any spell or any binding. And that to me is the case with the enchantresses relationship. No magic or spell. Hell.....not even being bound by spirit can change the internal conflict a man has regarding the love lost from a parent or his first love. Or the hearts true desire. To me this is why men need to learn to own there feelings. I have seen many spells undone though actions and not intention because their hearts desire are else where.

There will be things said and things seen that may make this union be more than just questioned! I must go for now Dear Tumblr. Until then................................ To be continued.

Spilling Secrets

To care! Or! Not! to care!!!!!

At the risk of getting in trouble or even just doing something to be seen. I shall express with you some of my feelings. They may be stupid.. Dark, Valid and even like Why!? yes I can quantify (why ) as a feeling.

I'm on my 2nd deployment in Africa this time with some people I never even met before this experience. It's not a bad one. But! it's not a great one either. In all real honestly I have nothing to complain about. One of the perks about being a social outlier is that you have a lot of alone time and people don’t bother to look for you unless you have a specific job and they need you to perform said job.

Here! in Africa near the horn! Im here to perform my duties as a cook. But! since i'm overseas they have me as a defac (dining facility) manager. So I graciously over see the food that comes in and where it goes and how it gets consumed. When I first arrived here in Africa, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thrilled to be in the mother land. Although coming here I knew it would be all business and no play. and Yes! It has been all business with no fucking PLAY!

I have reached my 3rd month technically. And I'm not too sure how I can go about this experience any longer. People pass comments, or avoid eye contact with me. Talk at me and not to me. And I'm expected to just GO! With it. It's so fucking annoying and petty. That as an adult when you explain this situation to another adult. And you (HEAR) yourself explain what you feel and what you’re going through, you sound insecure, childish and non adult.

Which frustrates me because all I do is feel as if i'm supposed to be the bigger person. Supposed to walk away or shut up, while nothing happens to them! And this, this is a feeling I have been feeling all my life.

These feelings come from a place of not being properly seen or even appreciated! this makes me think about the scene on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Xander Harris is flipping over tables in the lunch room because he had seen the lunch lady put rat poison in the food, the students were eating. Then out of no where. Buffy comes in and stops her from butchering Xander. however the only thing the lunch lady can say for herself is "Verman " To me even before becoming a cook or an adult and working in the hospitality industry. I felt how that actress delivered her lines. As if she too had been over looked somewhere in her life. Where she just wanted good company and wanted people to appreciate what services she provides. I'm not saying i'm crazy or that I'll ever do that. I would just quit!!!

As a cook, appreciation to me looks like. Not giving me a hard time when I fuck up! Helping me out when I slow down. Making some small talk with me about something I did for you when I didn’t have to. My biggest one, is, even if you don’t like some thing I did or do, politely address it and don’t cause a scene. Every now and then please understand that there's a lot of things that go into making sure that your one plate of food, you experience. Reaches a standard and a level that suites everyone. Not just you!

One of the biggest things people complain about to me here is that I'm always doing something fancy!.........Fancy? They throw out mediocre ideas as if they are appealing to me or to the whole group. like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something else. Like hotdogs. Just! hotdogs. We have a mixed group of people. Which I have to say! Yes! Thank you! Yemaya! Ochun! ha ha ha!!!! Because it's one thing to be the only GAY in the group to but! To be the only person who is not white! Good Goddess! That is something like no other!

But! for the most part, people here, the majority are white. So! that can explain why some of the food ideas are very simple. Like the other day someone asked me to not make anymore curry for a whole week. I just stared at them and glared in "Gay disapproval" it's probably not a thing. but! I'ma make it so!

One of the things I have to fight myself with while being here is my worth. As a city guy I would watch these tv shows about how the outlier felt alone and why thy didn’t just shake things up and how they wanted to kill themselves because they are locked in to a sub culture that did not value, appreciate or covet them. The same way the others are! I too have been feeling this way. I mean i'm not going to create a whole 13 reasons why about how grown men ignore me and subconsciously bully me. But! it has crossed my mind. I often find refuge in the space I sleep. I do my watercolor paintings and try my best to keep to myself. I am aware that I don’t think like everyone else. I actually came across something that I resinate with. It's called being Nuro-Divergent. From what I read about it. I vibe with it and it explains my whole life. I bring up not thinking like others because at time when in conversation. I just don’t fit into hetro-normative concepts. I either over or under deliver. if you clicked on the links I have provided, for me they are not the best! examples. I do take issues with some of there perspectives. but the overall point is there.

So there must be one question answered because some of you who are reading this must be asking this. If not! then! I asked this of myself as well... "Why did you become a soldier!?" and the quick simple answer is! Well...... I want them to pay for my medical education.

Even that I'm starting to reconsider. Is this the life I want to live. A life thats very similar to how I'm living now. Do I still want to be a soldier? should I be an airmen? Just so many things crossing my mind. But! back on to this whole 13 reasons why type thing. No! I do not want to un-alive myself. And No! I have not tried. I whole heartedly think its the malaria a pills they gave me. There are many side effects. I can say that this one started around the time of me taking them. So I stopped. But the medic bitched at me so I started taking them again. And to tell the army somethings is a really bad idea. It can get you sent home so I rather deal with them on my own. I really do believe I can’t trust anyone. And no one cares.

Okay, ok, ok, sooooooo the whole secret spilling was not jaw dropping as I intended it to be. However! It felt great to get it out! I'm starting to feel very sleepy and it’s 03:22 here. and I have to be up in 1 hour for work! (gay sigh!) why me! until next time my sunshines.

A little bit of this! A little bit of that

I have to say that I'm doing a bang up job of overwhelming myself here. I thought that I would have, a lot more down time than I did. Well no! This is not true! As an ARMY cook with my first deployment I had a full team of people who are. Like minded and knew what I knew so the job was not as difficult as it is now!

Now! I have a team but they are contractors who are not American, that are from all over the world. And these are people who are not aware nor do not care about our American culture. So when it comes to food quality or how a dish is made. It's all about getting the job done!

I had to stop one of them from killing us with salt the other day! He used a teriyaki concentrate on one of the meats and I lost my shit! I'm borderline hypertensive. So usually I watch what I eat. One of the things I cannot eat, is surprisingly BBQ sauce. The Amount of salt thats in there is truly crazy to me. Part of my job in the kitchen is to ensure that the food is up to par and that its eatable. But! I'm not the type to make sure that you can just! consume it! Which separates me from the straight men here! They fucking kill me with there sub standards for things that are rather serious. Vers little things like there toys. AKA weapons.

However, I began to get bored with the menu. When you eat weeks and weeks of the same shit, it gets boring really quickly and since well.... I'm the food manger here! I get a say in what happens. I get to deviate from this terrible subpar menu created by a guy who considers cooking "ordering food." Yuck!

The Team that I work with are a team of 5 guys. lol Yes five guys. Not the burger joint but a team of physically small men! which is kind of weird. B/c all of the American men, including myself are gigantic. I'm a wopping 230 pounds and 6'1 . While the average hight among them are 5'4. I do at times feel bad when I get upset with them because they physically look like children to me. But! come on! You can literally taste how salty it is! Then, I had to take a really good look in the mirror and remind myself that not everyone is as aware as I am.

In my years of cooking i had to learn what people do! As in what people do on their down time effects them int here personal life. so if a person works out, they are more likely to be proactive in some areas where physical needs are needed. If a person is artistic, and they paint write and draw on their downtime. That effects how they view the world and will see reality from a more cynical harsh perspective. which at times can create a hostile or rough environment. But! this guy says he has been working in food service for over 2o years. yes! 20 years. which i was surprised by. For a man who's so small and that resembles a child. he's older than I am. I'm currently in my early 30's. but! Him! no he's pushing 50 something. Which is weird as to why he could not taste the salt in the food.

Now! don't get your panties up in a much! Pull them out your asses, he's not the 50 year old who looks, acts or moves his age. So if I say I get on him. It’s because of professional reasons. Not every elderly person is that image of a bag of sand.

What I happen to realize is that, his habit on and off of work is that he's a smoker! Which I should have picked up on from when he smiles. I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. Quick tangent. I one time went over my god mothers house to hang out with her. I happen to be in the kitchen waiting for her to com e out of the bathroom and her man at the time was cooking himself some ramen noodles. So! If you have ver cooked that 25 cent packet of death you know that the little pouch of seasoning it comes with is salty enough. So no! her man adds one of the little red pouches to it along with some soy sauce. Yes soy sauce. I tried my best to hold back the " What the fuck are you doing" look on my face.

I had to ask though. Well...... state that it looks well seasoned. lol he laughed and said he can taste it that way. I figured that it was because of his diabetes. But! he's not the only smoker who has made food that I have seen, over salt things. So in the end when I realized that I had to let him know that he could not use the teriyaki concentrate the same way he uses ketchup. that it needs to be diluted with water. & that I did not care how he used it before, but while i'm here he's not going to do that! because hat they do not realize is that there's a pecking order here! & when the food is good or bad, I get the blame and I get the praise. Not them. I tried t be humble but! they say I make a difference here so I'ma just run with it.

KNOWING WHEN TO SAY WHEN!!!

I say knowing to say when in the tittle because. I'm still learning this. Hopefully you all can get some help from this or even advise me on this too.

When I was a Gaybe = Gay baby. I would use humor to have people over look my homosexuality. It was my way of feeling safe in other peoples presence. Little did I know there was no such thing. I have learn that they just tolerated me. A feeling I wish on no one. A feeling of, I'm only here because you feel like dealing with me at this moment. I bring this up because of the first valuable life lesson that I learned was. To not allow my loyalty to enslave me.

What I have noticed about myself is that. I like to stick with what I know and with what I am comfortable with. And part of that for me is loyalty. It's a quality I truly value in people. Something I was shown very little of as a child and in my early 20's.

I noticed that I was a giver. I would give my time. My energy, my love. My. Almost everything. To me, this was being loyal. What I had not known was that I lacked boundaries. I lacked self awareness and self love. You see my mother since the age of 8 has been telling me that she could not wait until I was 18, so she could kick me out. That I was a problem child and what not. I use to feel bad about being male. She would get mad at me for not doing traditional male things but she pushed men out of my life. So how was I supposed to do. How was I supposed to KNOW!!!

Little did she know, I knew. That she was not really mad at me. But mad at my father. I looked just like him! I looked like a spitting image of that man. For that I believe she did not want me or love me the way I needed to be. Because of what ever issues those two had with one another.

I also know that my father was a whore. I mean, I cant blame him. He was handsome as fuck. Still kind of is. My father is a quarter french a quarter Puerto Rican and fifty percent Blacktino. My father is a sexy pasty man. lol When people look at me they think I'ma mulato. Part Black and part White. No latino, but there are those of us who can Identify me. Which always made me feel good about myself.

So going back into this " SAY WHEN!" Business. These experiences that I had. With my mother and the guest appearances from my father. Has let me know how much value I had to them. This is how, in my opinion, children start to form their Identities. Thus, where Loyalty has become a pillar I look for in other people.

However, what I lacked and were cracks, created in this pillar was "CONSISTENCY." Can you continue to be a loyal person to me. On this journey, I looked for love of a mother and love from friends. And I had found it. Or so I thought........ to be continued!!!

WHATS WRONG?

Absolutely........ Nothing, nothing is the matter. For the first time in decades I have felt normal!!!! Ok, OK, Ok, I have to admit, with some help of a quarter of a 100 MG eatable. I feel great!!

Today I was not feeling my best. I had been on a CARNIVORE DIET for about a week now.

But!!! I just ended it today. I just dontbhtink that it is for me. I had notice that my poop was very tiny and I looked extra bulky. My breath started stink. And when I sweat, from like walking for a long distance. I smelled like deli meat. "JUST TOO FUCKING GROSE." If I were around the gays, I'm sure some one would have been very turned on.

I say this because when I would take off my clothes at the end of the night to take my nightly shower. I smelled so much like a masculine man. And yes I was turned on my own smell. But! walking around the city and doing my job. I hated how my inwardly smell, smelled. If that makes any sense. Like as if I could smell inside out of myself.

Any who that was not what I went on that diet for. I tried the diet just to see if there were any differences in my social behavior and physical feeling when working out. And yes! There was! I did not feel hungry for most of the day. I did have more energy. However, I have noticed that I have been being more aggressive to people. In stature, conversation and in social cues. Almost as if I'm initiating aggression. I think that eating a high protein diet, did dramatically increased my testosterone levels.

After all, this is how the early man did eat. Wit all that being said I stopped today because I listened to my body and it was craving greens and I just had to listen. I notice that my stomach has gone down and I'm farting a lot more, I'm sorry, I know too much info. However, all of this is a good thing. I think.

Albiet, I have been focused on what It is that I feel that I have been lacking. But! tonight! I feel like I have found a new sight. A new way of looking at the world. And yes! There's some non conventional thing thats helping me view the world in this capacity.

For the last seven years, I have had some what of a sense of normalcy. But I work too much to feel it. But before my current "securing" career, I had been struggling like a ugly bitch tryin to look in the mirror without breaking it. Almost impossible, right? But now a days, they have the confidence of a rhino in a tutu, how? I have no Idea.

Just as crazy as my analogy is, is how I managed to pull some things together. For the longest time, I had struggled with the wave. The wave of couch surfing. Surfing in friends and families houses. Until I Finally listened to what people had to say to me. My Egun!

When I was surfing, I did not have structure. I had no real sleeping schedule. I had no real security in my life. I had to eat until I felt full. I was rocking 3 different pairs of shoes. And these shoes were three different styles. One pair was an everyday wear that no matter what style I Rocked I pulled together. The 2nd pair was an athletic look. A pair I could do some running with but also, had a sporty feel to it. And last but not least was the 3rd pair, which was more of a shoe than a sneaker.

Today, I had pulled together a look that was so simple yet so cute. I wished I had pulled a picture together and snapped a photo of it.

As a matter of FACT LET ME TAKE SOME RIGHT NOW!!!!

( YELLOW GOOD FELLOW SHIRT)

(LEVI'S 36/34)

(LIGHT WEIGHT BOMER JACKET)

(PALLADIUM BOOTS)

For me this is all important because I used to be some form of a sex worker. I noticed that most young gays tend to lean in to that life for a little bit because it's a sure way to get your basic needs met! For me, I Had no clue what to do. But I knew that that was one way of getting hat I needed. I did not intend to do it. I literally just happen to do it. I fell in to it.

SO! Me wearing these clothes, help me see, my self progress. When I see these clothes here. I don't see a struggling hungry person. Who’s willing to do some things just so he's not cold or hungry. The world is not nice to young men. It's definitely a dog eat dog world out here. I now wear a 36 waist instead of a 32. I wear a large to an Xtra Large shirt.

I have never been so proud of myself. For those of you who don't understand men sizes. I use to be a size 12 in women jeans and I dropped down to a size 2 going into a zero. Thats how skinny I used to be. People often confused me for a bald headed tranny. Tall skinny and fem. With some meaty parts but mostly bones.

Tonight I felt like a main character. Which fo rme is such a big deal. bevause I had been living my lid=fe like a side character. I should et an award for best supporting role. bevause honey. When I tell you!!!! The way I have been there for so many any bitches.

"YES! EVERYONE IS BITCH OT ME. & YES! MEN ARE BITCHES TOO"

I have not been this so unbothered since High school. I have money. A bed to rest my head in. Work thats a different kind of danger. And I am well fed. I nothing to bitch or complain about. If I were to take pictures and show you how many clothes I have. How many shoes, bags and regular accessories. You'd think you were in some form of Boutique.

I just wanted to share some things with all of you and get all of this off my chest. It had been so long for me to say, I feel safe now!

I also think that one of the reasons as to why I feel so good is because I am being crowned YEMAYA.

Mother, Ocean Orisha. Even though she is a river deity. We happen to work with her at the oceans here. So if any Nigerians are reading this. lol First off. Hiii, and 2ndly Welcome. 3rdly I'm sorry, I know over here in the States we do things differently than what you guys do over there.

On Nov 15, I am going in. Getting the deed finally started after 15 years of being an apprentice. learning and growing. I too, will now be a full priest OF the religion. And for those of you who don't know. It's Santeria!! "Mafede-Foon Yemaya!!!"

There's just so many good things happening to me in my life. I have to say thank you. Thank you to my spirits. Thank you to the Orisha and thank you to GOD. Thank you ALL. Well. I'ma go tot bed. Good night to all.