Getting Better - Tumblr Posts

Do you think we'll get a happy ending?

I hope so. I think we would deserve it. Waking up next to each other, cooking and cleaning and raising pets as we laugh and cry and live together.

What the fuck? Why am I like this? Honestly? Why do I always feel terrible right after I feel okay. Every time I think things are getting better, they get so much worse.

Give me some peace God dammit, fuck this!

Tw: ed

I think it's kind of funny that the chain in disordered eating behaviors is prominent in my family.

Like, my mother learned from her mother and I did from her. We pass our fears and regrets on to the next generation.

If I survive and decide to raise children, I'll try to break that chain.

It will be hard, generations of making food the enemy is not easy, but I will do it.

It's such a weird feeling to give my mother all the love and compassion that I would have wanted as a child.

I tell her that it's not her fault and that she is doing her best and that it's more than enough.

I give her forhead kisses when sending her to sleep and remind her not to overwork herself.

It's... it's nice seeing her get the love she deserves but it also makes me want to cry, because why couldn't she have given the same to me?

When I'm talking to my older sisters or parents the funiest things always come up.

We were talking about me starting university soon and if I shouldn't just start working instead and I was like but I always wanted to be a psychologist and my sister was like, no, you wanted to drive a car and be a dad.

And that's true, I can remember, but I am afab. I am a trans man and as I child I was like, okay, I wanna be a dad and it's so funny how long it took me to figure out that I am trans.

It's scary seeing myself fall in love. Like, healthy love. The one where I work really hard not to become obsessed and make him my favorite person.

And it works, I like and love him, but I don't suffer if he is gone. I can totally live without him. I don't need him, but ai want to be with him.

It's scary because I don't know this kind of love. But I like it.

Domestic love.

Cooking and making arts and crafts together. Kisses and hugs and little bites (it's autism) and getting changed in front of each other in a non-sexual way.

Omg, we have tiny noodlesss, ahhhhh

Sometimes I forget that I am a whole person. Like, with feelings and experiences.

I don't have to feel only one thing at a time. I am a complex person and I can feel as much and as deeply as I can.

I need to bite someone. Please? Just wanna nom nom on someone's arm or shoulder or leg to self regulate and to stim.

Just like a cat. Just to show that I trust them and feel comfortable

I think being held and comforted while I cry in their arms and they whisper sweet things into my ear would safe me.

Just the two of us, existing and feeling and letting it all go and being warm and not happy, not even okay, but better.

I just really need something to hold onto while I let go completely.

My heart is hurting and I feel like he doesn't care right now. But I also know that I am wrong. He does care and he has his own life.

I don't want to overwhelm him, I don't want to be too much. And that's okay for me. I can love the normal amount. Or at least try to.

The rain is making things better. It's calming me. But I still wish we could cuddle.

It's hard reassuring myself that he still likes me because It's hard for me to like myself. And that's okay. I just have to remember all the good things and the love I felt then.

I just haven't fully learned yet to let go. To let him be.

Maybe I should try not texting him as long as possible to give him some space??

Ugly sobbing because of the kids series I've been rewatching...

Tw: sh

Was just thinking about cutting open my chest and stomach and seeing the blood run out of me.

Really wanted to do it but I know taht I shouldn't so I tried finding reasons not to.

I couldn't find anything and cried into my hoodie and then BAM!

I remembered that I was wearing his t-shirt and it still smells like him and I just cuddled into it and cried and tried to calm myself.

It kinda worked, I didn't relapse yet

Tw: slight mention of sh

I want to tell him how much he is improving my quality if life but I don't want to be annoying...

I fucking started sewing again?? I am making my own clothes and patches and I started studying again.

And it's okay. He even passively stopped me from relapsing soooo many times.

I see my wounds healing and I am okay-ish with it. He tells me I'm pretty. He tells me he likes me. And I kind of belive him.

I want to tell him all of that. I want to tell him that he is really helping me by just existing the way he is.

He makes me feel safe and protected and better.

I want to fall asleep while we are on a call.

He is still up and playing video games and I am slowly drifting off while listening to him.

Maybe I am in half sleep when he decides to also go to bed and tells me goodnight love and hangs up while I smile and fall completely asleep again.

Okay, I texted him.

He is still alive.

:))

I'm okay again. Pretty funny how much I worry about him...

He played guitar today, I love when he plays guitar, it makes me happy.

He is really good at it, and his voice is beautiful too.

He looks so right when he is making music. He seems to be doing better and feeling stuff.

I like him, hehe.

I really do :)

I texted him and it was okay :)

I thought he had been angry at me, but apparently he actually wasn't. I should stop interpretating everything.

I like himmmm.

Ahhhhhhh

Tw: slight mention of sh, ed and suicide

I love my boyfriend. I am also very much worried about him. But he told me not to try and help him, if that's what he wants, I'll respect it.

I trust him.

If he needs to leave me because it gets too bad, he should.

I have come to terms with people doing what they are doing. I can't make my friends stop their unhealthy behaviors.

I've given up on making them eat or stopping them from cutting or keep them from death.

It's their life. I can't control it, I can only respect what they want.

Tw: scars

I'm feeling bad about my scars...

They are so ugly and just gross.

Not.scars overall, just mine. Just because they are on my body.

I want someone to tell me that it's okay, that my scars are a part of me and beautiful. That they don't change anything.

I want my scars to be kissed with gentle lips to be handled with care but also to not be acknowledged at all?

I want kisses all over my scars. To show love and tenderness? To make me feel whole.

When I'm crying but he texts me and now I'm giggling and he makes me so happy that I'm crying again but it's good crying.

Thinking about this one guy on summer camp which made me feel right.

He would sing to me. He would hold me when I was to drunk to walk. He would stargaze with me. He would go on midnight swims with me. He would build little gobling houses out of stickes and stones and moss with me. He would hold and cuddle me for hours.

He was everything.

He made me feel like I didn't have to pretend.

He showed me unconditional kindness. I asked him how and why and he hugged me and explained that I deserved it.

I miss him. I'd really like to be in his arms and have him sing to me right now.