Tw: Ed

Tw: ed

I think it's kind of funny that the chain in disordered eating behaviors is prominent in my family.

Like, my mother learned from her mother and I did from her. We pass our fears and regrets on to the next generation.

If I survive and decide to raise children, I'll try to break that chain.

It will be hard, generations of making food the enemy is not easy, but I will do it.

Tw: suicide ideation

Tell me how to end this and I will. What is left on this planet for me? I want to stumble over a cliff and fall. Be free.

I want to be something different. Let me become stardust again.

Tw: mention of drugs and sh

I literally relapsed again today?

What the fuck? I was at two whole weeks and then bam and I am just rotting in bed, getting high every day and self harming again?

I just wanted to get better.

Why is it like this?

What the fuck? Why am I like this? Honestly? Why do I always feel terrible right after I feel okay. Every time I think things are getting better, they get so much worse.

Give me some peace God dammit, fuck this!

Why am I crying again? Ahhhhhh! All I would need right now is a hug and and a shoulder to cry on.

Why? What the fuck?

Tw: kind of tiny way to interpret ed?

AHHGGGGGGGG!

I don't want to be is much anymore!! Every time I try and be nice I am too much. Every time they pull back because I am getting too close.

Can't I just be less? Can't I cut off the parts of me that are too much?

I'm sorry for taking up so much space...

I wish I wouldn't.