Generalized Anxiety Disorder - Tumblr Posts
If you're obsessing over your anxiety symptoms, try this website:
It helped me to get out of bed and get on with my day today. It will be okay, guys, you're not alone! Please learn everything you can about anxiety and how you can make certain adjustments in your life in order to help your nervous system heal. Seek therapy and please, don't suffer in silence. Even if you don't have any close relatives or friends to rely on, we are in this together, I'm sure anybody in the anxiety community will listen to you. My DM's are also open if anybody needs to vent. Just make sure that if you're really struggling and living life feels like a burden, don't be afraid to also seek professional help (there are 8 more days till my psychiatry appointment too!). It is NOT a weakness, respectfully f*ck everybody who says so. As humans, I believe it is our duty to take care of each other. <3
- Reni
Draw a wave to remind myself that feelings are temporary and healing isn't linear and that's okay, my existence is still valid and my anxiety disorder does not define me and I CAN HEAL 🌊
- Reni
Me to my subconscious: I love you! *tries to hug her*
((thinking about the fact that the biggest bullying i've ever encountered all these years was from myself, no wonder my subconscious is triggered and scared. trying to befriend her now, but trust takes time))
- Reni
I am quite afraid to write this down because usually when I say something went right in my life the next hour/day tends to punch me in the gut again, but whatever, I will say it: I had a mostly chill day. I stared my anxiety right in the eyes, told her we'll be okay, let's do this (I lowered the urge to obsessively check my symptoms/pulse to the minimum) and I managed to go to uni, finished reading my seminar paper for tomorrow, ate well, took my meds, called like 2 doctors for some questions/appointments, talked to both my grandmas, did some Headspace meditation, and just all in all cried less then I did in the past 3 days. Of course I have a lot of things going on, especially things I need to do for uni, but I try to take it one day at a time and not everything all at once. I will do the best I can in this condition. Still not willing to give up, no matter how much it hurts or how much I cry and say I'm done. I'm not done. Healing is a process. Healing is a wave.
I think C.S.Lewis was the one who said: "Courage, dear heart." Well yes, courage to my heart & mind, I'd say. It's not easy, but it's better to try step by step than to do nothing at all.
- Reni
My sleeping habits are worsening, even though I always try to stick to my routine and go to bed before 11 PM. I have no idea how much I slept last night, I only know that I woke up in the middle of the night multiple times and with giant anxiety in the morning. I had no idea how I will manage to go to uni, but somehow I convinced my brain we must go because it would be worse staying at home dwelling on anxiety. I took my magnesium and told myself that if it's gonna suck, I can always turn back home. I didn't. I talked to my brain/subconscious constantly on the way to uni, told her I loved her, I am proud of her and we will be alright and imagined hugging her in my mind. I always try to beg for her forgiveness for bullying her through all these years; no wonder she is afraid to trust me. I find it's easier to manage my anxiety if I imagine that in this body there live two parts of me: the conscious and the subconscious. I have to take care of both of them.
So I went to uni and it wasn't as bad as the past few times. After that I went shopping because I needed to grab some meds, groceries and a postcard I will send home to Mother's Day for my mom. Every time I think about her, I begin to cry, there are no exceptions, I want to go home terribly, but at the same time I know God wants me to be here for a reason. I trust his timing and motives. Anyway, I wanted to cry all the way home from shopping, I thought I will die alone on the street, it was raining and the wind blowing and I felt like I will never get back to my dorm room... But I'm here. I survived. And I feel proud of myself, even though the day isn't over yet.
- Reni
I went into the study room after a hard afternoon (I was laying in my bed for hours because hearing a certain bad word frightened me so much that I felt that fright in my shoulder/chest long after that and I had to calm my nerves - also had to take my meds, but I'm finally starting to accept that I need them) because my aunt called me and I didn't want to talk in front of my roommate, and while talking to my aunt there came a girl into the room to study. After I finished talking on the phone we actually started to talk with the said girl and turns out she is currently studying Norwegian (I studied Norwegian for three years myself!) and the realization hit us both so randomly that after that we talked for half an hour about books, music and concerts and it felt so great because I almost forgot I have my anxiety and panic disorders and for half an hour I felt somewhat normal, it was a delightful feeling! I really think it's a sign that I'm not fighting in vain and great things can still happen, even in these cruel conditions. I feel greatful!
- Reni
Had a s*itty day again ✌️ Couldn't go to uni because of the giant anxiety I felt. I cried all day, I got back into the unhealthy thought cycle... I took my meds a few hours ago and it eased my mood a little. Now I'll just try to have a good night's sleep. All I can say again is: healing is not linear, healing is a wave. Trying again tomorrow ("The Sun will rise and we will try again" - twenty one pilots, Truce. The best part of my day was actually TØP releasing "Backslide"!!!), trying to be a better person to myself and to others as well.
- Reni
When I'll get out of panic & generalized anxiety disorder (I want to manifest the fact that I SURELY WILL), I really really want to do something in order to help other people come out of it too and to make the ones who have zero idea about these conditions, a little bit more educated on the topic. We need to destigmatize all the untrue concepts regarding mental health issues and also regarding any kind of disability that exists out there, that people are fighting with every day. You (we) are valid! And you (we) deserve to be perceived in a non-judgemental way. I am tired of ignorant people and this ignorant worldview most tend to live by. Let's help each other in whatever way we can.
- Reni
Positive things today:
- took my meds
- talked to my sister 🤍
- wrote a great amount of my seminar paper that has a due date on Tuesday (I really hope I will finish it tomorrow)
- my aunt told me it feels like I'm doing so much better than I did last week
There were negative things too, ofc, but I don't want to talk about those right now.
P.S.: Two of my favourite artists, Frank Carter and Patrick Stump share the same birthday, which is today, so Happy Birthday, lads! 🤍
- Reni
Everything will be okay. I can do this. I will heal. This suffering is only temporary. I will be happy again.
Every morning is the hardest with this anxiety disorder. I always cry and I want to go home to my hometown and I miss my parents and my sister...
But I always survive these mornings somehow. If you are in the same shoes, keep going! Until now, you've survived 100% of your mornings and tomorrow will do just the same.
In other news, positive things in my day today:
- I almost finished my seminar paper (only needs some polishing that I hope I can do tomorrow morning)
- My dad called me and even though he is struggling too, he gave me so much strength and I can, after years of lack of emotional affection from him, finally feel how much he loves me. It means a lot that he tries to help and doesn't abandon me in these dark days of mine
- I also talked to my mom and my sister and they made me laugh, and I finally haven't felt that laughing while struggling is a crime (it's not!! Please, laugh as much as you can, you need those happy chemicals)
- I talked to my grandma too, she is my ray of sunshine, I love her so much 🤍
- I had to take my meds, but I finally accepted they are a source of help and I need them now, until I can be strong again
- I washed my clothes, my hair and I will ask God to help me next week, as I will have to encounter a lot of stress again (cardiology, psychiatrist and I also have to read a book by Tuesday and write something about it)
- I feel like my hands aren't trembling all day anymore and my heart rate is more okay too (I almost stopped checking my pulse all the time, nowadays I only do it once or twice a day)
I am trying really hard to tell my subconscious we will be alright. I believe we will.
- Reni
My morning, as per usual, was horrible, I had a meltdown before going to the cardiologist, but ultimately I could somewhat overcome my fear and told my brain that I aknowledge that we are scared but we will do it anyway. I did it. I'm wearing a 24-hour EKG monitor right now at home, but I feel like everything is okay and I can handle it so much better than I thought I could. I also finished and sent in my seminar paper and I finally finished the new chapter of my The Umbrella Academy fanfiction, so here's to that. I talked to my best friend at home, she was a sweetheart as always, bless her pure soul, a living angel I love her dearly 🤍 Talked to my dad, my aunt, my grandma and on chat with my sister and my mom... basically I talked to my whole family almost. This day was kind of chill and I am greatful for that. Tomorrow I am going to the psychiatrist, wish me luck!
(I am still fighting. I am not giving up hope. I feel like I am doing better.)
- Reni
24-hour EKG: ✅ survived
Psychiatrist visit: ✅ survived
My psychiatrist was a very nice woman. She gave me another medicine, told me everything will fall into place and that I shouldn't worry about my heart because it's just my anxiety lying to me and we'll need to erase the unhealthy thoughts from my brain and rewire it with healthy ones. She told me the medicine will help, but I also need to work on myself while taking them. I might be going to a group therapy too, I'm still waiting on them to answer my email though, but I will update you on the matter ASAP. The point is: I came out of the psychiatry visit with so much hope and a new perspective! I have to believe that things will work out in my favor. And I know God is with me on this journey.
As a reward for my struggles and wins, I also bought myself this beauty:
(I really really love The Umbrella Academy!)
The only thing I can say is: keep going, guys! Even if you're not in therapy (yet) or everyday feels like a burden, you must do everything in your power to overcome your fears. It might not be an easy or fast process, but every tiny step you take is in fact huge and a part of something greater; every little progress matters, every single one. You have to take the power back over your life. You've got this!
We've got this!
- Reni
Back to the good old crying today again ✌️ Healing is NOT linear. I took my meds, went to my aunt's place for lunch and after that we went out to a park full of people and loud noises. I did not panic, but I did not enjoy it at all, except being outside in the Sun, in nature. So I came home, talked to my sister for like 2 hours on videochat, cried, and later cried some more while talking to my mom... I e-mailed my teacher last night, told her that I've been dealing with a lot lately and if she could maybe forgive me if I only upload my presentation on Teams and not actually present it in front of the class would ease my anxiety a bit... She was fortunately very understanding and told me not to worry about it and also not to worry about the fact that I won't finish this semester because I surely will. I was very touched. Also friends and family keep checking on me all the time... what can I ask for more? Everything else is on me. This is my fight. And although it's a rough path, I know I can deal with it. Healing does not look graceful. Healing is ugly and bumpy, but there's a certain kind of beauty in this too, isn't it? Even healing is teaching us that perfection is only a stupid concept created by mankind. Healing is messy. And that's perfectly okay.
- Reni
I just remembered the time when I was depressed (not diagnosed with it, but I'm sure I was depressed) and could not feel a damn thing. I was empty. I remember saying "It would be better feeling ANYTHING at all, rather than this constant numbness". Now I'm here a few years later and the feeling I feel every day is fear, especially in the morning as soon as I open my eyes. And I'm not sure it's better than emptiness. I could say "be careful what you wish for", but instead all I'm going to say is: be brave. Be bold. You have to take back your life. It's not going to happen in one night. You will cry a lot. It's going to be hard. It's a constant fight where you have to show up for yourself every day. But you absolutely have to keep going and challenge yourself.
This statement involves every type of fight with any kind of mental illness, not just anxiety. You are valid. Your feelings are valid.
We got this!
- Reni
Today I could enjoy life for a brief hour, as I went out on a walk with my aunt and cousin, I used the swings in the park, petted a cat on the street... I'm dealing with a lot lately, so it was nice to feel okay for a bit. I am so tired and so unsure about what I want to do with my future now... But I'm trying to take it day by day.
- Reni
Today I went out to the mall, bought a bubble blower (I have no idea what's the correct english phrase for that xd) and I did not die, yay ✨ It was a mentally challenging day again, I'm not going to lie, I cried the whole day and I felt tired, but I desperately want to get out of the loop of spiraling and catastrophezation I got myself into again, so yeah, cheers to the fact I survived another day I felt I couldn't. I talked to one of my friends who's also struggling, we haven't talked in months, so I'm glad we were able to chat for a little bit. I also owe infinite thanks to my aunt though, for the patience she has with me. I would've not made it this far without her.
- Reni
I made this page so I could have a "place" where I would collect positive things even in the middle of the pain and terror I feel every day. But I feel like there is hardly anything I can enjoy anymore. I am terribly homesick at this point. All I can focus on again are my rapid heartbeats. Every day a new anxiety symptom appears and I obsess over it, even though I know I shouldn't. I cannot convince my brain that this is only anxiety. My health anxiety is suffocating me and it goes hand in hand with thanatophobia. I have so many doctor's appointments again that I am terrified of. I don't even want to go to uni anymore, even though there are two weeks left. I just can't enjoy it, and it's terrible, because I loved studying this major and I loved going to classes with my friends. Generalized anxiety took SO MUCH from me in just a short span of a few weeks. It took so much from me to the point I cannot find myself inside these bones anymore. I don't recognize myself, I identify with this disorder now, even though I'm well aware I shouldn't. I know I need therapy but the psychiatrist did not assign me to a therapist and I can't afford a private one. I feel lost and hopeless. I feel sick. I am afraid I won't see my family again. The only thing making me a little bit happy are thight hugs, petting cats and talking to my sister (the latter also makes me cry, though). I am so sorry for this post, I just needed to vent somewhere.
P.S.: Not to mention I desperately try to finish uni while battling this Hell and I have no idea if it's worth it.
- Reni
I'm so sorry for the previous venting post, I was feeling really low mentally and my hypochondria got the best of me. I'm feeling better today, although it took a lot of courage, mental strenght and my meds, to get to this state. I went out to shop today, though! Read half of the novel I need to do a seminar paper on, changed my sheets, drank tea on the college dorm room yard, listened to Queen, talked to loved ones and even colored a coloring book too! Yesterday I washed my hair and my family found a little kitten back home 🥹 I can't wait for the time I will get home and meet him/her (we don't know the gender yet). For my fellow hypochondriacs, I recommend the Instagram page of both @honsetlyholistic and @cherellethinks on Instagram, they help me tremenduously every day!
As Queen would say: "Just keep on trying!"
Even if some days are extra hard, I'm still here. Not giving up the fight.
- Reni
Positive things I've done today:
- washed my clothes
- read some more for that seminar paper
- went out to a meet-up for relax group therapy
- went to the post office to send a birthday card home to my best friend
- talked to my loved ones
- not done yet, but I'll wash my hair too later
I'm really stressed about tomorrow as I have to go back to the cardiologist for heart ultrasounds and the thought of even going there makes me shake with fear. But I'll do it anyway 🥹
- Reni