Frustrated - Tumblr Posts

This 👆 I don’t care what you say, self awareness is both a blessing and a curse.

Getting thin to join the navy

I’ve lost 36 pounds in 3 1/2 months BUT my officer says I’m cutting it too close so she wants me to wait another TWO WEEKS before going to meps and having my physical done. I feel like these delays are never going to end. I’m really mad.

ADHD issues & car issues

Can't tell if it's the ADHD, autism, or both and something else...

But my car broke down two times today, and I am just so tired today and I'm like "mom fix it!" Bless her heart, it's working better after a battery charge...

I also had to do this all the while my sister was leaving to go back home, and I also had to get a medication for ADHD, which I forgot to pick up the script before I went home, so I went back to get it, and then I went home... And I'm just like.... Oh crap....

So I drive back to the pharmacy to see if they have it, but I needed pre-authorization (whatever that means) which could take a day. I also need to work tomorrow, so I may not be able to get it. On top of that, I need to make an appointment 14 days after taking the meds, but my next day off is uncertain at the moment. So more likely, I'll have the appointment 7 days while taking the meds. I'm not sure if I can reschedule, because I work almost always and only have two days off a week, and one of those days off is Thursday. A day where, magically, my physician is out.

Keep in mind, the meds are about $130 a BOTTLE for however many mg, without pre-authorization. It's important how much I need help for this disease that's hindered me all my life. I'm so forgettful, it's hard for me to plan ahead, and be prepared, because my brain doesn't think like that all the time. It's an extra effort, it's like I need to have an extra hardware installed to my computer brain to keep it working effectively. Mental health is JUST AS IMPORTANT as physical health. Because if your brain doesn't work, then your body can suffer as a result. Ever wonder why we are tired when we are depressed? Medicaid SHOULD cover these expenses that I NEED, but they don't. Where's America's complaint box?

I have such a nerve that I'm about to smash something

First day of mercury retrograde and shit has happened

I just woke up. My hand was in my panties. I was touching my pussy in my sleep.

I’m so needy and wet.

I just want someone to make me cum before work.

i did not sign a contract with life to have a “when it rains, it perpetually pours” clause.

someone, somebody, anybody … please send help.

You ever get that feeling where you REALLY need to talk to someone about your problems because you feel like your going to explode if you don’t but can’t because your parents won’t take your issues seriously and you have no friends so the only thing you can do is email your therapist about it and ask for advice from her but the thing is is that she doesn’t check her emails on the weekends so you basically have to suffer with bottling up all your unpleasant and conflicting feelings for two days until she replies? Cause that’s what I’m feeling right now.

As One Of The Tags Says, The Wyvern Can Kiss My Ass. WHY IS IT SO HARD?! I Like It’s Design, But It’s Such A Hard Boss, Never Before Have I Gotten So Angry!

God, I am angry at my demisexual ass today.. 

ANGRY! ROOSTER

Locktober

Ramblings Of A Failing Artist

I've yet to find a place where the silence doesn't make me uncomfortable, where I don't start imagining monsters and demons born of fantasy at any obscured angle of the room.

This fantasy's 'but a curse I said to myself many times, a machine perfectly designed to generate paranoia.

Yet I can't deny how useful to the uninspired artists fears are, they wouldn't have capitalized on them otherwise would they?

But they aren't all the same, some were mere fools with only money to fuel them.

They have transcribed and depicted their nightmares and dreams into works of fantasy that will remain as examples for centuries to come, I'm 'but an arrogant fool, how dare I compare myself to them?

I dare for the works you speak of were nothing compared to what I saw beyond the veils of reality, poems and books so far have barely touched the threshold, I want to step in, uninvited.

I dont know

Sometimes I feel like i'm all alone even when there are people around me. I feel lost, sad, fustrated n more. I dont even know what i'm doing any more. Sometimes I feel like it would be better if i wasn't here anymore. Or maybe i would feel better if i wasn't around my so called family anymore. Getting away and escaping from this fucked up reality because it's getting real tiring being the blame for everything. And having to be everyone's punching bag. No one cares!

New year new rants

alright so this post is entirely out of the blue, but I needed to get stuff off my mind cause it has been a heck of a day today and this is the one place I know none of the my irl people will ever see it which is good cause there isn't really anything they can do for me about the situations.....buckle up cause its gonna be a long one and very chaotic/tangent filled.

so  not even a full 5 days into the new year and my entire plan for getting my life together is completely off the rails starting at about 9 20 am: get in to work today to find out that our primary full timer’s sibling came down with a fever instantly making him ineligible to return to work for the week as per our company policy regarding potential illness read covid exposure requiring employees to not come in until a full 72 hrs have passed following the end of symptoms. so that unfortunately means that I am now the one in charge of our little show for the week and effectively reduced my days off to 0 this week between my two jobs. this also means that I had to cancel the rest of my personal training sessions this week that I had booked 2 weeks ago since there is no one else who can cover the shifts which occurs during the same time period as my trainer operates....I had actually done my work this year and prepared the entire weeks lifting schedule based on shifts as scheduled, I was super proud of myself for managing this only to watch it just crumble under the  “needs of job expectations” aka our company being stingy with hours and number of staff hired in case of such emergencies. so the day continues for us and because of the time of year our usual monthly pattern is broken to hell and we are steady busy the entire day which is unusual for the start of month and people are just absolutely mean today. I mean like full on grumbling about wait times, number of staff, and complaining about stupid things that are in essence beyond our staff’s controls. One lady goes full “karen” after I let her know that for security reasons the transaction she is trying to perform has to be done differently as it isn't her own account she is taking care of...well the way she got upset you'd have think id told her to go out and shoot a puppy, I was called a host of things including incompetent told I didn't know how to do my job and that in the three years she’d been doing this she had never been told this was a requirement and I was being ignorant and disrespectful of not just her but the person whom she was acting on the behalf of. unfortunately for me when she asked for a manager I had to tell her he was gone for the day but I could find someone, who took maybe five minutes as he was finishing his own work, and then continued her tirade at him and me suggesting that when he offered to take her to the side and calmly discuss things that we were trying to cover up the issue of my poor job performance and apparent rudeness. another customer tried to intercede politely at first then it devolved into insults and threats as there was a continuous line behind them, which I do appreciate when customers try and assist employees who are clearly being used as a vent scape goat but it was not especially helpful in deescalating the situation. the entire charade went on fro almost 40 mins and when my assisting supervisor finally got her out of the way so I could take more clients I was vibrating for the next three hours with just pure anger at having been so abused by a client who didn't want to follow our protocols because to her protocols are different from legalities which is untrue in this situation as the protocol in question is a security requirement that has very real legal implications for me if violated.

As a direct result of this everyone ended up staying late and was very behind on our closing procedures. I was still vibrating with anger that I decided I would not go the gym immediately as I would like be mildly inconvenienced and try to fight someone. as it would turn out I would be immediately inconvenienced by my mother over a stupid issue that was not at all the concern she had originally made it out to be, so I was once again angry and now I was also cold and hungry and dehydrated. this is the sort of thing that seems to happen frequently with her which has put a serious strain on our relationship because I'm the only family member who lives near her and takes her calls every day. she tried to guilt me into either going out for food with her or eating there with her but I was dead set on getting out so I pushed to just leave. She also suggested that perhaps I just take the night off the gym so that I didn't jeopardize my workouts or gym membership. This one I actually took but looking back at it now I realize this probably didn't do me any favours as I not only ate a grotesque amount of take out food primarily in the carb department but I also ended up binging on cola which is one of the things that I'm trying to quit consuming...which is very difficult after being used to drinking lots of it for almost half my life.

This of course circles back around to the fact that I had made very clear plans for this year to be one where I actually got my nutritional side of fitness under control and pushed myself harder so that I would grow from an overweight guy to hopefully a muscle bear. ideally as anyone who has looked at my repostings knows is that I'm into bodybuilding and would very much enjoy turning myself into a great big muscle behemoth that turns heads. however this is where my knowledge and experience contradict my actual actions; I have aspired to be big and muscular since I was a teenager but my nutrition is an absolute nightmare as I work two part time jobs and spent the last 15 years in university seeking degrees that would allow me to leave retail behind and enter a standardized professional career. But as one might imagine this flys in the face of every well muscled athlete and gym rat’s experience of college; because if you truly want something you would do anything to get it right? so why couldn’t I just plan the nutrition and stick to it in high school and university? part of that answer lies in a deep seated kind of naiveté that took hold of me years ago, which believes that because of how puberty and lifting any weights generally works that my body would naturally adapt and produce the results that logically come with going from being a boy into a grown adult man. This is of course a logical fallacy as can be proven by the fact that obesity is perhaps the most common illness in North America afflicting more people annually with a multitude of medical issue than any other single condition. There are clear examples in everyday life that should clearly put me in my place and say that no unless you are doing some expert level training and control your nutrition like the men you see in fitness and bodybuilding magazines do, your results will always be sub par and you won't just magically grow into this athletic masculine adult. The entire fitness supplement industry is built on this misconception that if you just do this one magic thing or take these special products you can look just as good as the professionals and models....obviously this is utterly untrue as it takes easily 5 to 10 years for a person to reach that kind of physical peak.

it is an ongoing issue for me that results in a love hate relationship with my body , especially this year as the gym I attend has continued to grow and bring in newer younger members and for the first time in forever since I came out of the closet I have a steady lover who is also interested in fitness having been at one time a physique competition placer two years in a row. For me it is incredibly frustrating to continue to watch these young guys go from mildly in shape to being ripped lean muscle machines, even some the older members closer to my age group are growing at a faster pace than I am. this of course makes me even more unnerved because I carry pretty much all my extra weight as fat in the core of my body, which at a glance clearly tells others just how committed I am to being in shape. I worry more now that my binging and nutritional neglect will lead to my lover leaving me because I'm not measuring up to my own stated preferences and certainly not up to the level of condition that he could pull anytime he wants to...I certainly don't fall into the category of attractive that is the primary image of gay men which typically runs towards the obviously muscular tight waisted men seen in media and at pride events. in  order to help facilitate proper movement towards this ideal I have set out for myself, I spent the majority of jan1st at home with a white erase board and my training log book planning my year goals, my quarterly goals and how I would be restructuring my workout schedule so that I could fit in all the areas I feel are lagging behind and start tightening my waistline. One of the reasons for this is because of the difference I feel between my personal training sessions and my gym time on may own; in my session I'm usually done being exhausted, sweating like mad and super pumped enough to see the muscle groups I've worked through my body fat. on my own I'm usually just pumped, not super sweaty and rarely exhausted, which could be because my personal time in the gym I can run the same workout cycles my trainer puts me through at his own personal gym studio where there is no one to compete for equipment. As such this year I began to wonder if perhaps I wasn’t training hard enough o elicit the level of growth I so desperately want to see on my body that I see in lots fo others. one of my friends who I built a training regiment for is seeing more visible results now that he has his Crohn’s under control and getting enough proper nutrition in his body, which I will admit is coming from the opposite end of the body spectrum of ectomorph. 

understandably I've begun to feel that I've lost a greater majority of the last decade and a bit of training to under training, which was then added to the fact that I discovered at age 30 my obesity had absolutely destroyed my body’s ability to produce proper levels of testosterone, we discovered I actually had the test levels of a toddler, for which I started TRT in an attempt to not feel lethargic and see if my body composition would finally start shifting more rapidly. My GP was receptive to me wanting to initiate this therapy, which would normally just be left alone at that age group according to medical ideal since it was naturally on the downward slope anyway, but unfortunately they didn’t have any supportive training for endocrine therapy and were unsure how my dosages should proceed. We added my name to the waiting list for local endocrinologist aid but it was going to be a year at least before id get to see him, this was of course later compacted by Covid shut downs and I'm still waiting to see him as he is the only one currently operating in the entire souther half of my province and TRT for men in my age group is not deemed an emergent issue so my request for consult can't even be rushed. so not only do my T levels sometimes bounce up and down out of the “normal range” but I spent that majority of the years I could have seen drastic growth without the biochemical means to even do so. it feels veery much like a lot of time and training wasted for very little gain because the medical field now looks for my slower growth pattern in teenagers to see if there is an issue with the endocrine system where as I was just deemed to be a “late bloomer” despite the fact that I barely grew during my teen years except for perhaps sideways. needless to say my GP tries their best to be of help but the support isn't there for me even on the home front. My mother tries to understand but has a bad habit of being contradictory when it comes to my nutrition “ a little desert won't hurt you” or the guilt trips to going for food with her because of her “need to see other humans” for which she never calls her friends for during covid. yet she has continued to make comments about my midsection when she knows I'm the only one in our family who does any type of fitness and that her comments usually fall into “if you'd just take up swimming again/cardio id bet you'd see a difference in no time, id be willing to make you a bet for $100 if you started swimming your waist would just disappear in a month or two” or my personal favourite “you used to have a flat stomach so what changed from then?”

anyway I think that's about all the chaos I can spill right now as its almost 2 am and I have to be at work for 9 am ...ugghh I need a vacation

BKL

It’s going okay

Objectively I have a great life: I am comfortable, loved, and have a job I enjoy. I am getting married. I am looking forward to the future.

Honestly all that is wonderful but it becomes part of a horrible spiral in my mind sometimes. I am not well. The anxious voices in my mind are debilitating at times. It’s better than it was, but it’s still there. And remembering how lucky I am should help but sometimes it just becomes guilt.

I am learning to accept that. I am feeling awful, and it is okay for me to feel awful, or is okay for me to lie down and cry even if there is nothing objectively wrong. My head is just a bad place to be at times.

It’s scarier to screw up something you’ve done a million times before than to screw up something new. Maybe that’s why I’ve been doing better lately. When stuff gets screwed up, it’s because I’m a baby adult who barely knows what to do. Because there’s still people saying “let me help you with that.” You’re new. Let me help carry the load. It makes some things easier. It makes standing on my own a little harder because I have trouble saying no.

I’m doing okay. I cried for half an hour tonight because I felt like my head was going to split open if I didn’t. I’m not even anxious about stuff, I’m just anxious.

I’m doing okay. I’ve got reassurance and safety and security. I’ve got someone to hold me when I cry.

Maybe some day I will be better. Maybe someday I won’t walk on eggshells in my own mind, won’t be scared of the little space between my ears where things get twisted til they’re unrecognizable.

Til then I’m doing okay. And that’s okay.

so king vs queen, yuji rct, sukuna spacing out, yuta in the battlefield, and gojo and higuruma has a chance of survival. THIS IS IT BUT MEGUMI IS NOT WAKE UP YET, WAKE UP BRO, PATULOG TULOG KA PA, KAILANGAN MO NG GUMISINGGG, TANGINAAAA 😭😭😭😭😭 MEGUMI NAMAN, TUMULONG KA, NASA LOOB KA NI SUKUNA SO MAY CHANCE KA KUMONTROL PERO IDK KUNG PWEDE KA PANG KUMONTROL SINCE NASA TRUE FORM NA SI SUKUNA, BUT I WISH YOU DID IT WHEN SUKUNA IS TILL IN YOUR BODYY, NABOANG NA KO AY. SAMOK KAAYOO, KAILANGAN KA NAMINN 😭😭

saan tatay mo kung kailangan siya? 🥹 ARHDDFGDHSJK IM SO DONE WITH THIS MANGA BRO 😭

Arrgh frustration is the worst thing keeping me from drawing. But the problem with being frustrated it’s crap is that I don’t draw. Don’t draw then I don’t get better y’know? It’s still so frustrating! I wish I could just draw for hours and hours instead of like ten minutes at a time. Sigh.