Deppression - Tumblr Posts
❆ Poem/Photo by me. ❆
I feel like I’ve always wanted to be gone from this world as my life went on. From never making friends at school or failing classes and so many other things. I’ve always wanted to disappear, Even if I had to die. But I have never wanted to kill myself. I don’t think I could take the pain of doing it and knowing that my mother would find my dead body and wonder why. Why I would do this, and what happened to me. I don’t think I can imagine her standing over my coffin, crying over the daughter she gave birth to and raised. Who she raised the best she could as a single mother. I don’t think I could take the thought of imaging her standing over my grave on every major holiday crying because her baby is gone and she’s never coming back. It’s hard to think that nobody other than her would care but I know they would, but I could never do something like that to my mother. So I stay alive floating through life waiting for something interesting to happen, and when it does I hope I will still be here to witness it.
Depression
"Here it goes again That dive down. One moment I'm fine And then that familiar darkness. When I am here I see no escape. Hope dwindles And everything positive Fades away. I start thinking irrational thoughts, Imaginary arguments And nonexistent scenarios. Now I'm beating myself down Which sends me even deeper. I judge it as weakness To be thinking this way. Weakness also To argue with it. So I try to talk myself up and out But I am also still tearing myself apart. Two voices screaming and yelling Clawing at each other. Me caught in the middle Holding my head with my eyes closed. I create a fantasy And hide myself in it. It is perfect Too perfect, I cannot forget That it will never be. I know how it goes. I'll be fine again later. I wait for it to be over While the rest of me panics That this will never end." - Andrew
"Out of the blue I'm hit And I am experiencing A fiery crash. Taken off guard I truly did not see this coming, But isn't that How it always comes? Silently in the night When you least expect it? Soaring through heaven Hell suddenly erupts Dragging you down. Flailing you grope for anything Just trying to find a foothold In order to stop your descent. You are afraid of the depths You know you can go to And everything in you Is wanting to fight. Unfortunately Everything in you Wants to give up. To stop flapping your wings And give in to the sleep. Here you are again Rolling in the pit of your own soul. How many times have you been here? A familiarity That hurts you more than the start." - Andrew
“When will the struggling end? When will my heart Quit being hurt? It seems life is geared towards my sorrow; Twisting my soul So as to make me scream. How low can I go before I break? How long till the ocean of mourning Drowns me? When will I be able to sleep And wake up happy With a smile of bliss?”
- Andrew
Coming to terms
"I failed... The whole time I thought I was winning I was in fact Wrapping myself in lies. I have been living with a fool's hope; Believing in my own worth And the dream of love. I was wrong. I believed my own lie. I convinced myself of signs. Placed my faith in them. Now I am left with an abiding hatred. Angry at my life. Beaten. Defeated. My hope is gone." - Andrew
"I do not enjoy Being this way. Being so broken. Do I choose this? Is it simply a refusal to feel better? How pathetic I must be then Wanting to be this miserable. I told myself that a lot over the years. Tried to put it behind me But apparently I was right all along. 'Stop crying Be strong What is wrong with you' I fell on my head when I was really little. Maybe that is why? Sorry I am this way. I know I am an inconvenience. I should always be smiling. I forgot to keep quiet." - Andrew
What Does Depression Mean to Me
"It means I am alone right now Lying in bed Instead of hanging out with my friends. It means i am shutting down Hoping that instead of getting better I just go away forever. It means rivers of confused tears Tainting every memory that I have. There must have been happy times I know that, But I cannot remember them. All I see instead are years upon years Of praying and wishing That my pain will blossom Into something beautiful. I am drowing! I cannot fight it. I cannot run From myself..." - Andrew
Life feels strange right now.
My dad still hasn't contacted me
Since my mother told him I was a girl.
Told her I wouldn't have to worry
And it's not like he ever called often.
People still mourn my beard.
Having to defend why I wrote people off.
School exists
University is an illusion
Right around the corner.
Seems I never have money anymore
Yet I still make too much.
Searching for intimacy
And my platonic partner has given me joy.
Cuddling with my pup
Buying pizzas and chocolate for myself.
Just letting go and let _.
Dancing through the snow storm.
.
All in all
Everything is better than it has ever been.
I am happier
More radiant
And growing daily towards my goals.
Still haven't a clue how to go about it all
But here I am
Breathing in and breathing out
Striving to exist only in this moment
Aware of who I am right now
Instead of getting lost
And then caught up in dispair.
The Kids Aren't Alright
* ~ I'm sorry for making this ~ *
Doomers & Fatalism
Regardless of your age, you need a reason to move forward. You need hope. Yet, it's hard to find hope for teens and young adults.
Not a year goes by without an update on the planet's decline (at our hand), wealth is only feeling more unstable and unequally distributed, a pandemic destroyed any hope of sociability for some, and social media does more harm than good when it "connects" people.
There's no true community, nothing to take pride in, there's hardly motivation for ambition or wealth. Hell, we grow up being told we'll be a generation of renters, because it's a statistical improbability than any of us will EVER afford a home without working 3 jobs into our grave.
I can't speak for America, but I know my government haven't made any real effort to prevent renter's from taking that news and slowly inflating rent costs each month.
I'm a part of the generation that is thought to deal with the broadest range of mental health concerns; however, I'm also part of the generation that's most likely to be told to "deal with it," or "grow up," by the people perpetuating our suffering, or the peers that fell victim to toxic hustle culture— enabling the shitty circumstances.
When you start adulthood with so many problems that directly impact your life, most of which come at no fault of your own, you'd hope for help in addressing those matters, but it never comes.
We're told we're lazy, we don't try hard enough, and we've got it easy (which is a demonstrable lie). How is it any surprise we became hopeless doomers? At some point you just get the idea that we were destined to fail.
Threats of War
Now we're told to be ready for World War 3 and I'm struggling to understand why. What values am I defending? Why should I die for a country that doesn't care about me?
Sure, Ukraine and Palestine are in shitty situations, but saying that doesn't require me to do anything. Though they demonstrate something: the government will risk our lives for money, and turn a blind eye to genocide if it suits them.
All that matters is that we're made to feel like our interests align. They don't represent us. They represent themselves.
Don't get me wrong, I don't support either conflict, and I sympathise with the aforementioned nations; however, I am not willing to die for them— I don't think you are. So is it even fair for us to bother complaining? It's not like diplomacy has done a thing so far.
Whether we're roped into a war or not, it doesn't feel like we'd have a choice.
Hobbies and Corporations
Normally I'd propose finding an outlet for everything. I'm not sure that's ideal anymore. Commonplace hobbies like gaming, sports, martial arts, reading, and art, they require 3 things: time, motivation, and effort.
Thanks to hustle culture, holding 3 jobs, running a drop shipping business, and abandoning any meaningful social life is considered just enough and reasonable. That doesn't leave time for personal hobbies, entertainment, or time to actually live. A life like that is no life at all. You're an animal operating on the exclusive goal of survival. You're alive, but you're not living.
Among those of us too physically or mentally scarred to work like our peers, we compassionately took to pen and paper, or software and devices, writing stories, drawing and animating worlds, or making music.
I fear that pocket of joy is getting smaller. AI image generation has already impacted artists, AI voice recreations are already being used in place of some voice actors, and we've all seen the AI voice covers for songs— claiming "you don't need to learn to sing." It didn't take long for me to see "generative AI" being proposed as a source for track samples and stems in music production.
Considering such things, it's hard to motivate yourself to put your work out there. You struggle to justify spending time creating anything, and you're probably not ready to put the effort into producing enough algorithm optimised works per day. After all, no one will see it. No one cares.
That's how it feels.
Social Media
Maybe we still have digital spaces? Really. Are cespools like Twitter spaces you can enjoy? Even Tumblr is quite detached, with small accounts struggling to get so much as a couple likes— nevermind a reblog, and god forbid you get a comment or DM.
That's minor though, it's the relationships that bother me. The ability to lock someone out of your life, within 5 seconds, for the slightest of perceived infractions. You're sensitive and a snowflake if you need boundaries, and you're "rude" and "mean" when you're pushed too far for not establishing them.
You can join a fandom or community and run into those issues, but do you really need more trouble? Ive hung around with furries since I was 13 or 14. It wasn't a furry that SA'd me, and I've never been groomed. But as a child online, I was labelled as a dog fucking groomer (at 15), because I was in a furry community discord server. I don't like to think about how that made the young adult owner of the server feel.
Social media is good for "satirical trolls," who take pleasure in hurting as many people as they can, and then claiming it's OK because they're joking, and you should've known. Is it really worth the effort for anyone else? You know, us "normal people," not bogged down by million strong fanbases, actively managing parasocial relationships and morally questionable stalking.
Closing Statements
I'm not entirely sure why I wrote this post. I guess I'm just another girl crying on the internet when I should save it for the therapy I can't actually afford.
I want to be hopeful, to feel like there's something attainable to desire, or even just things to look forward to. It's been a long time since I woke up and felt there was a good reason to be awake or even alive.
Thanks,
- The Girl That Doesn't Exist
When you can feel yourself sinking deeper into the pit of despair and having no clue how to get yourself out