PSYCHOSIS. - Tumblr Posts
I hate that I’m mentally ill enough to be hospitalized for life when I’m off my meds. I hate that I’m always so tempted to get off them despite this awareness
You know you’re coming into psychosis when everything is contradicted. Nothing affects or shocks you anymore. You’re numb but everything scares you. You’re too exhausted to show any emotion but too vigilant to not do anything about your paranoid delusions. You start to isolate yourself but keep hoping someone will reach out so you won’t be alone with your thoughts. You feel helpless but so prepared and aware of unseen truths. As verbal communication becomes more difficult, you have made sense of what you’re saying but no one else gets it. You need to keep quiet and not endanger yourself, but you end up talking about it anyway. It’s hot outside but you wear clothes for cold weather. You understand that your delusions are just delusions, but you’re not making it up and it is the only real thing to you. There are sometimes things you feel, see, hear, smell, taste, that aren’t really there. You refuse to eat because of your paranoia but you can’t resist. Us psychotics are seen as dangerous, but we are the sufferers of absence. I don’t want to hurt you, I just want to be left alone, I’m just scared.
In delusions we trust
In delusions we trust
In delusions we trust
I want to say thank you to "Poptarts" for their support. I started jumping up and down while crying when I saw that someone was kind enough to go to my Ko-Fi and do more than just look. Right now all funds donated/tipped through Ko-fi will go towards a couch that will be able to accommodate the needs of my special needs child.
A little about me:
I am a mother of two beautiful children. One of which is special needs, and on 3/28, they lost 75% of their vision. I have had to take time off work to accommodate many MANY doctor appointments.
I started a Ko-fi if you feel the heart to donate to help with the costs of appointments, medication, and house modifications, which insurance doesn't cover.
If you are unable to then your thoughts and prayers are more than enough.
Instead of "but that's not real", you should try responding to a psychotic persons distress with:
That sounds really scary. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine how scared I'd be if it was me.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it can't be easy to open up about it, and I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me
You can tell me more about it if you want to. I promise not to judge you, invalidate you or panic
Is there anything I can do to help you feel safer? Any way I can help support you through this?
Tumblr is not a social media, it's an online psych ward.
Sometimes my trauma makes me feel like I’m just staring into a television playing static
I think it'd be neat if during discussions about schizophrenia and psychosis more people made a point to mention how psychotic episodes themselves can be deeply traumatizing. because they sure can. experiencing a break from reality like that is traumatizing. delusions, even though they aren't real, are traumatizing. believing you're being prosecuted by God himself and not knowing how to cope with that just to later realize none of it was real is probably traumatizing. experiencing frightening hallucinations can be traumatizing. people talk about how psychotics suffer from their disorder but let's talk about why we do. and I haven't even mentioned the inherent trauma of living with a stigmatized disorder in a world where psychotics are despised and shunned and kicked out of homes. lets not forget that one.
Some ways people helped me while I was in psychosis:
Remaining calm since everything was amplified to me. Yelling at me could do something like trigger my mind to think nuclear bombs are falling
Listening to me without intentionally confirming my delusions or feeding them. This kept me safe from spiraling
Being kind. No matter how unwell I was I could still detect kindness
Having someone to advocate for me
Simply keeping me company. A silent distraction from a mind full of delusions goes a long way
Letting me vent however I needed to (as long as I wasn't an endangerment to myself or others)
Talking to me in good spirits. In psychosis a bad mood is contagious
Reminding me to take my medication or softly reinforcing their importance
Not acting like I'm unruly and viewing me with eyes of compassion
Providing me with basic comforts like food, drinks and clothing
Playing calming music
Laughing with me and not at me
Gently encouraging personal hygiene
Accepting that nonsensical ramblings or writings happen
Understanding that delusions may hold very big power over someone and can persuade someone to do things out of "character"
Being supportive of my being sober
Guiding me away from toxic individuals who don't have my best interest at heart
Not holding grudges no matter how embarrassing I may be when I was lost in my mind
Joining me outside to feel the comforts of the outdoors (once I was stable with mental health support)
Providing hugs as long as it was consensual
Most importantly I was seen as a person. Someone with as many complexities as anyone else
I would like to again big up libraries as safe spaces for people of all types!
I had a psychotic episode in my local library while I was in there working and had convinced myself that I was in a bubble dimension and if I left the library I would die, and that being what had happened to the librarian because I hadn't seen them in an hour (it's a small, local library. You can see the librarians desk from where I sit to work)
Now obviously they weren't dead, they were just in the little office that I couldn't see into.
I'm also lucky enough to be a very self aware psychotic, so I reached out to my support network to make sure I got home safely. But none of them could actually get me OUT of the library and I was still absolutely certain that if I stepped off the carpet and onto the tile, I would die.
So I got up, I made my way to the desk, I found the librarian and I said "I need your help. I'm having a psychotic episode and this is what I currently believe. Could you please come out from behind your desk and stand on the tiles so I can see it won't kill me?"
And they did. They didn't shame me, or laugh, or tell me it wasn't real. They said "Yeah, that must be scary." And thanked me when I admitted I'd thought them dead and been really upset about that because I liked them.
And then stood there on the tile, while I stood on the carpet, for ten minutes while I chatted shit and tried to build up my courage to step on the tile, just in case. Including telling me that if this happened again and I needed to call someone, to disregard the usual 'don't call people in the library' rule and just do so after I promised I was going to be calling my husband the second I was on the tile so he could safely walk me home.
(& so no one worries: my husband got me home safe, and a friend came to check on me a little while later and brought me food and I'm fully Cognizant and out of it now)
I cannot imagine another place where I could approach someone and say that and not get the police or an ambulance called on me. Neither of which I needed or would have been helpful.
I cannot imagine another place where a member of staff would stand somewhere for ten minutes to make sure I felt safe enough leaving.
I cannot imagine another place where I would not only be explicitly welcomed back, but be told "If this happens again here, disregard our normal rules to take care of yourself."
I cannot imagine another place on this earth that I would feel safe enough returning to, 3 days later, after an episode like that.
Libraries are a fucking Godssend and should be protected at all costs!
hey fun fact did you know that if you're on the schizophrenia spectrum, have psychosis, have psychotic symptoms or traits, etc, that you're loved and your symptoms and traits should not be vilainized or seen as evil or ugly?
A small thought for disability pride month... There's a stereotype/myth/common perception that mental health meds make people's art worse. Sometimes, it's portrayed as people being incapable of making art at all. Other times, they simply don't have anything interesting to say now that they're "happy." Some people even avoid going on meds because they worry about not being able to make art.
I want to share some pages of a comic I made during a manic episode, before I was on any proper medication.
I think this comic is very interesting, very raw and unique, but this was my attempt to be understood by other people. I made this art thinking that other people would know exactly what I meant by it. I thought this was incredibly clear, that it would communicate everything I was going through and had experienced without any ambiguity. When people didn't react how I wanted, when they couldn't parse it in the way I intended, it hurt me. Here was my best attempt to be understood, and I remained alone.
Now I'll show some comics I made after being on a mood stabilizer/antipsychotic.
You can say what you like about the artistic merit of it compared to that raw, abstract work I made before, but what matters to me is that I was actually able to connect to other people through this art. When I showed this work to people, their reaction was in line with what I intended. They saw part of me. I made it to show a side of myself I was incapable of expressing without art, and when people read it, they actually saw that side of me.
Without medication, I was trapped in my own world. I couldn't even begin to fathom how to connect to another person because we weren't using the same vocabulary. You might be "interested" or "compelled" by my suffering, but part of that interest comes from the mystery of my delirium. No matter how unique the result, it still represented a failure of intent. Learning to make art again after exiting that delirium was difficult, but I promise you it was and is worth it.
A reminder that weed and its by-products are one of the leading causes of psychosis. They are not for everyone. Its effects can lead to psychotic breaks, dissociation, time fragmentation, panic attacks, feeling like you are dying, amnesia, incoherence, hallucinations, loss of sense of self, paranoia, intrusive thoughts, and so much more.
The same applies to all recreational drugs and psychedelics.
Psychotic breaks can happen to anyone, even to people without a mental illness. The risk increases if there are previous risk factors such as substance abuse, trauma, one or more previous mental illnesses, or previous psychotic breaks (independently of their cause), to name a few; as well as certain personality traits.
Every person reacts differently to every drug, even when taking the same dose on different days. There's no way to know how it will impact you on any given day. Your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing at the moment of using any drug play a big role in its effects. Whatever reason you have for using any drug, it is really important to have previous knowledge and be in a proper mindset.
Do not use again after experiencing a psychotic break, any of the symptoms mentioned or other distressing symptoms.
just one psychotic episode will change your life, forever. it'll alter your self perception beyond recognition. you'll remember who you were before, back when you were (relatively) sane, always been sane, and you won't recognize her anymore. she'll feel more like a sister. you're still the same, you are--but you aren't. you're different, you know you are. You're different in ways you cannot articulate, in ways your loved ones cannot truly grasp. you've experienced something most people believe is impossible to experience. likely because it is. it was something impossible, grand, and terrifying. the most scared you've ever felt in your life. God looked down on you and laughed, and finally, finally you know what it feels like to be that small and vulnerable. you can't go back to before, when you were naive, ignorant to your size. but it's okay. you're okay, now. it's over and you're safe. and you've always been safe, really, it wasn't real, but the trauma is. the trauma is real and it's lasting.
and it's not real. and you know it's not real. but sometimes you get scared again. so, so, so scared, because it was traumatizing and now you're left with flashbacks to a time when the world didn't make sense, when you weren't yourself, when you were small and confused and lost and could not understand yourself let alone be understood--and it feels real again. but you don't believe it, not really, you know you don't. you know it's not real. it's not psychosis round 2, but you're still so so scared--scared that you're wrong, that it is real, scared that you'll go back there--that you'll lose the sanity you grappled for. fought for. but you don't. not yet, at least. the flashback passes, same as any other flashback. but the fear lingers. you'll fear losing control like that for the rest of your life. years of sanity, remission, and you're still afraid, because you know what that felt like and it was scary. it's weird to believe again, when you don't really believe, it's weird to relive unreality while knowing you're within reality. you can feel your sanity, you know it's there, because it's saying "this isn't real and we know it's not real. we know this. but I am so so so scared anyway. I am so scared of experiencing it again. I am so scared that I was right and now I'm wrong."
psychosis is traumatic and trauma leaves you with flashbacks. and sometimes it feels like you're there again. like you've slipped away again. and it's scary. but you'll be back, I know you will, because I'm back, I'm okay, and you are too. I love you. I love all of you. love yourselves for me.
sending love and support & a big ol shout out to psychotics whose psychosis is easily influenced by the fiction they consume. (a classic psychotic experience & symptom is a general struggle in the ability to discern what is and isn't reality; fiction & reality blur together easily) and infinite love & support for those whose psychosis has made it difficult and/or outright dangerous to continue to consume the same media's you loved and cherished. it's heartbreaking! and very difficult to deal with, especially when fiction used to be a safe escape. I hope you find ways to cope and ways to manage that balance between your health and what makes you happy. grounding techniques can help a lot when you feel that first sense of slippage!
psychotic besties. I mean this dead seriously: do not share the nature of your psychosis online. do not tell internet strangers what triggers you. the internet is already cruel enough to those of us who experience psychosis, and there are people out there who will think it’s funny or interesting to use your psychosis against you. please be safe out there!
and anyone who likes to trigger peoples’ psychosis on purpose? fucking stop doing that
Here I am, posting something similar like the fibro post... this one goes out to my psychotic folks🫶
