Swanatello - Tumblr Posts
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Swanatello was made by @tangledinink
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LSoH Saga
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[ swanatello ] ->
Donnie had found that now, he almost didnât mind sunrise. He didnât enjoy it, per se. But he wasnât sure if he hated it anymore, either.Â
At first, it had been awful.Â
Every single morning, like clockwork, as soon as sunrise approached, all he could feel was fear seeping through every corner of his body. It pressed in tight until it filled him up and forced him rigid and sharp, searing the backs of his eyes and the curve of his neck. Every morning, the only thing he knew was that something bad was about to happen. He didnât really remember those moments. All he remembered was feeling, more than anything, that he had to get back to his lake. That he had to get home.Â
(He did remember coming to, after the transformation was over and the panic eased off. They never talked about it, but everyone would always be looking at him with these faces that told him plenty. Every time theyâd be all teary-eyed and shaky. And heâd wake up pinned in the firm press of Raphâs big hands, careful and gentle but still so tight it was almost painful. Sometimes, some of them would be bloodied, and he knew theyâd never say it but he also knew it was his fault.)
The worst part was that he already was home. He knew that. He knew he was with his family. He knew that he, Hamato Donatello, was finally back where he belonged.Â
He hated how hollow the victory felt.
No matter how long he looked, he couldnât quite find any joy in it. He wasnât happy or relieved. He wasnât lonely or mournful, either, wasnât missing the lake or longing for its company. Mostly, he was just⌠tired.
He just wanted to sleep.
The longer he was here, the more he adjusted, and the easier the routine was. He didnât panic like that anymore. The fear never quite went away, rising up red hot and swollen in his throat over the horizon each and every morning with the sun, but at least they didnât have to hold him down anymore. At least he didnât hurt them.
Either way, they always stayed with him.Â
âLeo?â
There were two minutes left. Even if he wasnât staring down the clock, heâd still know. Heâd feel it.Â
âYeah?â
And that was why, really. Why he couldnât quite find it in himself to mind the sunrise.
âItâs almost time.â
Even if it was fear. At least at sunrise, he felt something.Â
âI know,â Leo soothed, shifting slightly across the bed to sit a bit closer to him, nudging Donnie ever-so-softly with his shoulder. âDonât worry. Iâm not going anywhere.â
But Donnie never worried about that. He knew Leo wouldnât leave. He knew heâd stay. He knew that nothing bad would happenâ that he wouldnât die. That it wouldnât even be painful. He knew that at the end of it, whoever was with him with scoop him up and hold him in their lap. He knew theyâd pet his feathers and talk to him all quiet and soft, gentle and low until he fell asleep. He knew theyâd still be there when he woke up again.
It never stopped the fear. It still couldnât stop the jump in his heart rate and the hitch to his breath, running off ahead of him as if to scout for trouble. It still never kept all his muscles from coiling up tight, pulled taut across his skeleton, bracing for impact. It had yet to prevent his hands from trembling every morningâ so bad that his brothers almost invariably ended up hanging onto him, wrapping his hands up with their own to keep him steady.
âItâs okay,â Leo insisted, squeezing his hands. âYouâre fine, Dee. Deep breaths with me, yeah? Nothing is bad is gonna happen. Iâm not gonna leave.â
And Donnie knew he wouldnât. That was never what he was afraid of.
At first, he would panic every morning. His brothers would have to hold him down. Heâd black out. He would hurt them.Â
It wasnât like that anymore. It had gotten better. The more time passed, the less horrifying it was, and the better he could bear it.
He thought maybe that was what he was actually afraid of.
That maybe, one day, enough time would pass that even when the sun rose in the mornings, he still wouldnât be able feel anything at all.
[ @candycoloredzebra wrote a thing for me, and i liked it, so i wrote something, too. ]