Spider-man - Tumblr Posts

Spidey bros au

Aunt may: who left all the red bull cans under the couch

Peter: I did

Aunt may: why? Clean it up, please.

Peter: it’s for ms ratman, she’s a widow with 25 kids

Aunt may:

Aunt may: Peter, are there rats living in our couch?

Peter: andrew said they couldn’t live in his room

Spider bros au

[at the zoo]

Andrew: you can’t fly lol

Penguin: you can’t get someone to mate with you for life lmao

Peter:

Penguin: dude don- don’t cry ohmyfucking-

[Tobey watching Andrew talk to a penguin and burst into tears]

Tobey: I think that’s enough zoo today.

Peter:

Tobey: put the monkey back.

Peter: His name is Murder mc Steve

Murder mc Steve: :3

Spidey bros au

LGBT+ Headcanonsssssss

(Trying something new so these are head canons in an au I made up so if you don't agree/have a better idea just make your own. thank you!)

-

Andrew was the first to come out (bisexual cis). Technically, Tobey was the first person he told because he mentioned finding other boys attractive when they were a lot younger (both thought nothing of it).

When he had the label for it he poked around at Uncle Ben and aunt may, casually bringing LGBT things up in conversation.

“How’s your coffee, Uncle Ben?”

“It’s nic-”

“You know gay people really like it iced, that’s weird right?” :/

“...”

-

Uncle Ben and Aunt May were incredibly accepting of course, and did their best to keep teachers in line if bullying occurred.

It occurred.

Tobey stepped up as his big brother and main protector.

Glasses were broken.

Hair was pulled.

Uncle Ben tried not to be too upset at finding them in the principal's office. Bruised cheeks, broken skateboard and cracked glasses (Glasses are expensive).

The teachers would tell him to discipline them and he would take them out for ice cream every damn time.

-

Cue Peter coming out as a trans boy at 12 years old. About to go into middle school in less than a month.Middle school is hard enough without being attracted to the same sex, now Andrews darling youngest sibling has come out as the opposite sex.

Peter had already chosen his name, having talked to his friend Ned about everything before he came to Andrew and Tobey.

And yeah, he was a bit jealous of Peter going to his school friends before his older brothers, but such was life.

May and Ben obviously took Peter to change his legal name and get him a haircut.

Tobey upped the roughness with his little brother.

Peter began wearing a helmet because of how many noogies and wet willies he’d receive. Don't even get him started on the time he got clotheslined on his 14th birthday,

Deadpool: short people are always so angry. i think its cause they're always hot- y'know always being the closest to hell? must suck.

Peter: you just lost your knee cap privileges giraffe face.

-

Tobey: I hate you!

Andrew: i hate me more!!!

Tobey: ...

Tobey: come on, Dude, we've talked about this...

-

Michelle (abt gender): maybe I just want people to look at me and be confused

Ned: a big hat

Peter: enter every room screaming "C O R N"

-

May: why are there tiny hand prints on the ceiling?

Tobey, whispering: Pete, why are there tiny hand prints on the ceiling?

Peter, hiding his hands: h o n es t l y f u c k y o u g uy s

What if Peter told Tobey and Andrew about him joining the Avengers and they just,,,,,didn’t believe him,,?????

Tobey, watching the news: Hey, is Peter teaming up with Iron man?

Andrew: Last I checked, Iron man’s in Germany, tearing up an airport, so I really doubt it.

Tobey, dragging Andrew: No! No, that looks just like him! See!!

Andrew:

Andrew: I’m gonna kill him.

Tobey, already gearing up: Iron man or Petey?

Andrew: Captain america for dropping a f u c k i n g boarding bridge on Peter

Tobey: You ever wanna talk about your feelings, Andrew?

Andrew: no

Peter: I do !!

Tobey: I know, Peter.

Peter: I f e e l s t a b b y

Tobey and Andrew: We know, Peter.

“Monogamy? In this economy???”

-Andrew Parker

-

Peter: bro, pick up your eboy, he’s curled up in my living room quivering, speaking in tongues, and surrounded by an impenetrable wall of writhing venom.

Deadpool: that’s not my eboy that’s my malewife !! they’re supposed to do that !!!

-

Interviewer: So spider-man are you and the…other spider men…brothers…or something ??

Tobey: No…these are my…clones.

Tobey, seeing Peter and Andrew off to the side pretending to make out with goblins mask and videoing it: ...They’re defective.

Peter: furbies are predators.

Andrew: ...what the actual-

Wade: No no, he has a point.

Dr. Strange: So your name is...?

Tobey: I'm Spider-man.

Dr. Strange: And you are...?

Andrew: Spider-man.

Dr. Strange, pointing at peter: ??

Peter: Spider-man.

Dr. strange: Oh don't tell me. He's Spider-man? Why would the three of you have the same name?? What kind of fool do you take me for??He's Spider-man, he's Spider-man, you're spider-man- Are there any other Spider-men I should know about???

Miles Morales, whispering: no one tell him about the multi-verse

Dr. Strange:

Dr. Strange: I'm outta here.

[peter coming home from highschool]

Peter: hey wha-

Aunt May: We need you to find your brother

Peter: wh-

Andrew: he went to spy on fisk and got found in the vents.

Peter: that’s sus.

Aunt May: Peter

Peter: wait how did they even find him ??

Andrew: he kept humming the spy theme song in the vents.

Spider bros Au

[on patrol]

Tobey, humming: Spider-man, Spider-man

Andrew, joining in: Does Whatever A Spider Can!

Tobey: Spins A Web! Any Size

Andrew: Catches Thieves!

Peter: eat’s those guys! Look out here comes the spooder-man

-

[on a date in the park]

Andrew: the stars are beautiful tonight

Deadpool: y-yeah! They are! *whispers* w h a t d o i s a y ???

Peter, in a tree above them: s a y y o u h a v e b e a u ti f u l e yes

Deadpool: he’s wearing a f u c k i n g m a s k

Peter: F i n e. y o u th ink of so m eth i ng.

Deadpool: you volunteered to be my wing man you little shit !!

Peter: d on ’t m a ke m e c o m e d ow n t h er e !!

Deadpool, standing up: Come down here? Buddy, I’ m c o m i n g u p.

Andrew: lovely stars. Truly.

Peter: E a t th e r i c h

Wade: Shouldn't we eat out the poor?

Peter: what

Wade: What

Spidey bros au

Peter, high off anaesthesia: m y d i c k f e l l o f f :0

Tobey, fucking with him: The doctor needed it to save the president.

Peter: :O

Andrew: you're a hero, buddy !!

Peter, wiggling around in joy: y aaa aay y

May: *Videoing everything*

[Wade meeting Tobey]

Tobey: So. You’re the boyfriend then.

Deadpool, saluting: Yes, Sir !!

Tobey: Don’t call me “Sir”.

Deadpool, still saluting: Yes, Ma’am !!

wade meeting may

Andrew: it's just an introduction- it's not a big deal we can do this.

Wade: okay. okay, we got this!

-

May:

wade:

May:

Wade: i have 20 allegations against me and I commit crimes less than an hour ago.

Andrew: ...

Andrew: babe-

Wade: she's scary okay???

[tobey patrolling with peter]

Tobey: that’s my boy !!

Peter: !!

Goblin: *Kidnaps peter*

Tobey: NO! My boY !!

Peter: b r o t h e r h el p !

Spidey bros au

[patrol gone wrong]

Andrew filming: Spidey, can you tell us why you’re caught in your own web. Follow up question: why is your webbing extra liquid-y ?

Tobey, mumbling: cause i didn’t-

Andre: A little louder for me, bud?

Tobey: CAUSE I DIDN’T CARRY THE TWO LIKE YOU SAID NOW GET ME OUT.

-

Peter: life is an ocean and I am but a smooth rock whomst has just arrived on a beach.

Andrew, already picking him up: Fuckin’ love skipping rocks.

Peter: wai- nO !!

Tobey, joining in: Skip, skip, skip, skip-

-

May: Where is Peter?

Andrew, hiding a bucket behind his back: Haven’t seen him.

Tobey, kicking a shovel underneath his bed: Think he said he was going out for the week…

May:

Peter, stuck inside the wall:

Andrew: ...so a chicken walks into a bar-

deadpool, desperately trying to staunch the blood: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

-

[spidey-bros being interviwed]

Reporter: What is your reaction the public arguing whether the youngest spider-man is trans or not?

Tobey: oh for fucks-

Andrew, backing away: nooooo

Peter, grabbing the mic: whO THE FUCK THINKS IM C I S???

-

Wade: man Im cold.

Andrew: here use my jacket.

Peter: :O

Peter: h-hey mj, im cold.

Mj, throwing a lighter at him: go wild.

spidey bros au

Wade: i have my own sense and set of morals dont try to call me out for anything. Because:

I know what i did and I dont care

Youre dead to me.

Peter: *furiously writing notes* ohmygosh mr deadpool you’re so-

Andrew: blocked.

Tobey: demented.

-

May at 13 year old peter: if you’re going to make a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back.

Peter, nodding: of course, I can’t flip the table by myself

=

May: hey-

Peter, returning home from screaming in the woods, daring an alien to take him in: I don’t wanna talk about it

Andrew, having consumed enough caffeine to kill three horses and crawling on the ceiling: where are the fresh children for me to feast upon !!

Tobey picking up a cross and backing himself into a corner: What the fuck what thefuckwHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUC-

-

Andrew: I have something to tell you…

May: you can tell us anything.

Andrew: Im bi

Peter: knew it

Tobey: finally.

Uncle ben: …

Aunt May: Ben no.

Uncle ben: HI BI IM UNCLE BEN.

-

Peter, directly into the intercom: attention shoppers. My friend is hot and ready to trot. He is single and ready to mingle. He is-

Ned, physically wrestling the mic out of his hands: PETER.