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Hi! About that post of aizawa having toxic traits, can you explain please? Im an anime only but i absolutely don't mind spoilers. I couldnt find any explenation online either :((
Hello! This took way to long to post, so i'm really sorry for that Anon. But hopefully this explains why Aizawa is who he is and why I emphasized him having toxic traits.
I wanted to write it all out properly and hopefully make sense to my previous post. There is a lot going on here and because of the image limit i couldn't post more manga panels showing important moments, but this should explain some of the basic points.
I will be using the Vigilantes manga, My Hero Academia manga, and the My Hero Academia anime as evidence/support since these are the ones that canon.
Aizawas Toxic Traits
MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW
Lets start off by determining a few things:
Just because you have trauma, doesn't make you immune to the consequences of your own actions.
Just because you have a mental illness doesn't mean you can't be a shit human being to others.
Just because you're a victim doesn't mean you can't be an abuser.
You can't project onto others. It's not a healthy way of coping and you're harming other people.
You're expectations can be to high.
Anyone, no matter what, can be a bad person.
Now that we have those things out of the way, lots move onto the supporting evidence.
In Vigilantes, Aizawa suffered from the tragic loss of his best friend Shirakumo Oboro. This caused him to become very focused on his training while neglecting himself and the relationships he had around him. But let's first address why Aizawa is so attached and affected by Shirakumo's death.
Aizawa in his younger years lacked the confidence he thought he should have when it came to his quirk. His quirk wasn't a physical one so he felt like he wasn't deserving of even pursuing the hero career. He couldn't commit to helping someone without overthinking or seeing himself as lesser then. He hesitated instead of acting. He still cared about how he was being perceived.
This is where Shirakumo would come in. He was everything that Aizawa wasn't. He was loud and likable, people had high hopes for him, and worst of all his quirk was physical. He had people in his life that he would cherish and wouldn't hesitate helping anyone out.
This is why the incident with the cat, which is the first time we see young Aizawa and his then mindset, is important.
Aizawa hesitated to help the kitten while Shirakumo just picked it up and took it to school with him. Another difference was on the actions they took with the kitten. Aizawa gave his umbrella to the kitten so it wouldn't get wet. This resulted in him getting drenched and showing up to class looking upset with himself. Shirakumo showed up wet as well, but he also had Aizawa's umbrella in tow. He saw Aizawa hesitate and give the kitten his umbrella yet he didn't confront him nor did he mention it. He knows Aizawa even when Aizawa didn't pay him any attention. Shirakumo gave Aizawa his umbrella back and presented the class with the kitten which lead to everyone praising him while Aizawa silently watched him do something he couldn't do. Aizawa did, and very literally, do the bear minimum. Shirakumo did more then that by not only providing comfort, but also safety and other basic necessities.
Shirakumo would also stop Yamada from teasing Aizawa when he was being self deprecating. He prevented others from teasing him and overall, he acted as some sort of guardian for Aizawa even when the teasing came from his own "friends". He provided Aizawa with safety when there was no real need for it. Aizawa wasn't looking for comfort nor a closer relationship, yet he went back for more because Shirakumo gave more.
I think this is where we see why Shirakumo was more likable in Aizawa's mind and memory. All of these scenes are from Vigilantes and are from Aizawa's perspective. Meaning that all of these scenes were Shirakumo is basked in light and looking so...i guess for a lack of a better word, beautiful, is Aizawa seeing him as more then just his classmate and friend. He doesn't do this with Yamada or Kayama, only with Shirakumo. I'm not saying that Aizawa had a crush on him (i'm keeping this as far way from ships to just look at the points but it has been hinted at that Aizawa may have had stronger feelings for Shirakumo.) Aizawa loved Shirakumo, thats why he was so attached.
Love isn't something that can come only from wanting to spend the rest of forever with someone. It's not something you have to feel romantically, it could also be platonic (AnD tHeY WeRe RoOmAtEs.) In this case i take it more as Aizawa had Shirakumo be his anchor, to act as a stopper for all of his negative thoughts. He became close to him and opened up to him more than he ever could with Yamada because he was not only charming but forward with him. Let's keep in mind that Aizawa, Yamada, and Shirakumo have been "friends" since the start of their first year.
Aizawa held no real liking to Yamada or Kayama, even though he did spend time with them (he's a tsundere so he acts like he has no real friends.) The only times we ever see him truly smile or seem happy is when its with Shirakumo. (I can sense the ship war incoming.)
He consistently compared himself to others, rejected the notion of being friends with people who showed him genuine affection. Everything after a certain point began to revolve around Shirakumo and Aizawa's dependency on him to make things better in his life, to help him find himself. Many would think that being close to someone isn't bad, which it isn't, but to the extent Aizawa found himself being close to Shirakumo and the neglect he showed to the others didn't help improve his independency either.
(Take note that in almost every shot of Aizawa, Shirakumo and Yamada hanging out with each other, Shirakumo is always in the middle. Again, Yamada teases Aizawa a lot and Aizawa clearly takes no joy from it.) Even here, Shirakumo is always depicted as being by his side. Yamada eventually replaces him but prior to that Aizawa kept Yamada at a distance. Again, i don't think Aizawa hated Yamada or Kayama, but what i'm trying to explain is that he didn't want the same closeness he had with Shirakumo with them. He was already close to Shirakumo and to him, that was enough.
Let's also look at this scene. Aizawa and Shirakumo are having a casual conversation about how Aizawa feels like a failure and doesn't understand why he has to be something he's not. Shirakumo doesn't invalidate him, he instead agrees with him and asked him to try it out at least. Key word is "try".
The thing that we can also point out in this scene is that Kayama perfectly knows how Aizawa is feeling and knows that pictures of Sushi (the cat that Aizawa and Shirakumo saved) would make him happy. She could have taken him to see Sushi or even followed/waited for the both of them to speak after the failed mission. Instead, Kayama gave Shirakumo the oppurtunity to help ease Aizawa's emotions down. Kayama is fully aware that Aizawa wouldn't listen to her, wouldn't bother to take what she had to say about the mission into considerations so she left that job to Shirakumo.
So How Would This Translate to Any Toxic Traits?
If you go and read Vigilantes and also the MHA/BNHA manga and anime with this new context of Aizawa's character, you'll be able to pick out why he's so harsh on his students off the bat.
Aizawa once was dependent on someone to keep him on track. When he lost that person he isolated himself from his own friends. Neglected his own wellbeing and proceeded to treat his students the same way. He didn't see children figuring out what they want to do with their lives, he saw adults and treated them like adults. Just like he was treated after Shirakumo's death. The damning thing here is in the relationship he holds with everyone from his past. Not only does he not address his "friends" by their first name while they address him by his, he also has this distance to him and Yamada.
Aizawa does care about Yamada and Kayama, i'm not undermining that. What i do want to point out is that he treats them like work colleagues. You'd think after knowing someone for over a decade, spending extensive amounts of time with them, seeing them grow with you, improve themselves, move forward after suffering a tragic loss of a loved one, you would speak to them like the were family or just someone close to you. You would call them by their name. Not in this case.
Aizawa is not only a great manipulator, which we can see in the way he consistently deceives them into thinking a certain way/thing, he's also great at lying to himself. Toxic traits are seen as things that are harmful and damaging to the individual or individuals around someone. In Aizawa's case we have self deprecation, a constant impulse to place themselves in danger (yes he's a hero, but he sometimes doesn't stop to think that others can take care of themselves), and we also see him project a lot onto other people. Such as his students and most importantly Shinsou.
(Don't get me started on the fact that Yamada is forcing himself to process his friends death via humor while Kayama is crying and trying to stop.) His students are the greatest examples of Aizawa being reminded of Shirakumo, specifically Midoriya. Aizawa is always on his ass about him being self sacrificing, ironic since Aizawa himself is also self sacrificing but in a different more degrading way. Aizawa would tell Midoriya to "tone it down" and "think before he acts". Shirakumo was also all action with the main priority being to help others instead of himself. He was able to befriend nearly everyone with no problem. His students are eager to learn and as we soon learn (couldn't add the manga panel) Aizawa purposefully suspends or outright kicks out his own students from UA. He calls it "A Death". Just like he himself had to suffer threw when Shirakumo died. But there's a difference, he didn't get the emotional, mental, and physical preparation to cope with his best friends death. He felt like it was ridiculous not to teach the concept of being "heroic vs suicidal". In his eyes, Shirakumo was "suicidal" because he gave up his own life for his instead. We also learn later on that Aizawa suffers from intense 'Survivors Guilt' and feels that getting the chance to live a long life in comparison to Shirakumo was unfair. In the War Arc he ends up screaming that he couldn't allow himself to die because of the sacrifices that those around him, Shirakumo and another pro hero, made for him. So he isn't living because he wants to, he's living because he feels like he has to.
He consistently projecting onto others and attempts to justify his cold demeanor towards his own friends and students with the lenses of "preparing" them or "guiding" them. Yamada clearly knows why Aizawa is the way he is and so does Kayama, they all suffered Shirakumo's death. But while Kayama copes by taking care of Shirakumo's cat, Yamada is left to pick Aizawa up while being discarded by him. Aizawa clearly cares for others but he prefers the idea of holding "light bonds" so that when he dies or the other person dies it won't hurt as much.
(Erasermic shippers you can join the chat for this.) Yamada neglects his own emotional health to support Aizawa and in return he suffers for it. He can read him like a book and knows that the relationship that they both have with each other isn't healthy, but he stays. Part of it is because he cares and the other being that Aizawa is as dependent of him as he is of Aizawa. Yamada reminds Aizawa of Shirakumo because of there demeanor but he isn't fully him so Aizawa doesn't relax around him and still keeps his walls up to create that disconnection. We can also see how Aizawa sees All Might as Shirakumo. Remember that Aizawa not only "hates" people who are loud and obnoxious but also holds a great disinterest on quirks that are physical and the attention they catch. This isn't a Shinsou case were the guy hates physical quirks because it prevented him from being who he want to be, this is about how Shirakumo who held a physical quirk would always use it to make a grim situation bright just like All Might who would juggling pillows and throwing people around like nothing to entertain (Look at Vigilantes to understand this). Both All Might, Yamada, and Shirakumo share these traits and since Aizawa didn't want to take the time and wasn't given the time to grief properly, he essentially closed himself off and never fully processed everything.
Am i saying that EraserMic is a toxic ship?
No....not necessarily. I'm not saying any of this to shame anyone for there ships, i personally don't have a preference and just support them all (as long as it's adult/adult and minor/minor.) Aizawa and Yamada in MHA aren't the perfect example of a couple and we only truly see them be on the same page during the War Arc since they both discovered a bunch of truths regarding Shirakumo and his fate.
Yamada personally holds a lot of guilt because he contributed to Shirakumo's death (again look at Vigilantes for the entire context as well as the main manga.) The most damning thing is when he finds out where Shirakumo is now. Kurogiri is made from Shirakumo's body as well as the dna of other people, essentially making him a Nomu. Aizawa and Yamada find out during their interrogation with Kurogiri after Grand Torino tells them. Yamada during the big battle has a scene with one of the villains (trying not to spoil more then necessary) and is told that the whole reason for the villain attack that ended in Shirakumo's death was actually intended to kill Aizawa and take his quirk to than use his body for Kurogiri's.
The reason why this relationship is toxic could be based on the fact that it's co-dependent. Yamada relies on Aizawa and is practically attached to him because he has abandonment issues, while Aizawa only stays around him because he reminds him of his best friend who had the same personality type. Yamada is Aizawa's enabler because he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't want Aizawa to leave him because the guilt of his "wrong doings" would eat at him. With Shirakumo, he would have had Aizawa focus on the right track again while still being nice to him and Aizawa would have taken that advice and followed threw with it. Yamada is offering a lack lustered replacement while Aizawa only gives back the bear minimum because he's emotionally incapable of giving more.
okay yeah i agree cypher is a shady manipulative manwhore or whatever but his affection for the younger agents is 100% genuine. i will die on this hill
I think a brilliant thing about c!Tommy is that everyone calls him out for not listening or whatever (which isn't even true) but he'd be so much worse if he did, like in my head I have the dark timeline Tommy
the one who heard "The discs don't matter " and believed it throwing them away forcing Dream to start going after other things... like Tubbo. The one that heard "Violence is the only universal language" and took it to heart, gearing up getting hundreds of wither skulls and killing anybody who disagrees with him. The one that heard "You want to be the hero Tommy?" and agreed, who went on to force himself into this warped perception of a "protagonist" in every situation. The one who heard "It was never meant to be" and stopped trying.
Worst of all, the one who heard "They would drop us at the second" "Nobody came to visit you, I'm your only friend" "The guy who exiled you, who chose his country over you?" And believed them all, Pushing himself away from all his friends and becoming paranoid and alone.
c!Tommy is powerful, not because of his skills or his diplomacy, but because he knows what to believe, people are convinced he is a static character because his core values seem to have never changed, but I'd say that's mostly due to the fact that he is aware people are continually trying to change them and he fights against it. In the very beginning Tommy was focused on the safety of his friends, even giving up his discs to achieve it, and he still is now despite everything that's trying to tell him otherwise,
THAT is why Tommy is strong.
cracks knuckles
o!Tommy has consistently been ridiculed and made fun of for his supposedly "useless" abilities. He's been called weak, constantly told he has some of the most useless powers on the server, compared to everyone else with far superior abilities than him, and so on. During this stream, you can see him talk about, word-for-word, how he's become slightly insecure about his abilities, and insecure about his powers. He questions why he's referred to as a "chicken," tries to find other people to make fun of for having "worse" powers than him, unreasonably targets short people so that he can at least feel superior over someone, and so on. He actually says he is "insecure," but quickly brushes it off.
o!Tommy is searching for any way to seem superior, any way to seem powerful in the face of constantly being seen as the "useless" one or the "weak" one. He wants to have control, to have people take him seriously and listen to him. To prove himself. But nobody would listen to him, since he's seen as the "useless" one. Then, he remembers how other people on the server have strong abilities, strong powers. o!Tommy wants to use the powers of other people, people that he knows are more powerful than him, in order to get that sense of respect and power that we wants. He thinks that if he can convince everyone to respect and listen to Phil, and he's controlling Phil, he could control everyone, be seen as strong, and be listened to and respected.
Because if the people won't listen to the "weak" one, the "useless" one, they may just listen to someone with actual power. And if o!Tommy can control that power, then it's essentially, finally, his.
YA, I HEARD YOU WAS SIIIIIICK CHECK OUT MY NEXT TRICK
id: a series of tweets by docm77. it is all one message broken up into three tweets. the full message reads: "and now that i am drunk: i know who is responsible for that chat reporting reporting system. every single one of them who signed an NDA months ago and worked with mojang on it in secret. those people attacked me, slandered me, laughed at me and mocked me. i was thinking for weeks now if i should throw them under the bus. i won't do it, but some of those people are the most treacherous and entitled people i have ever met in this community. i have no idea how they managed to put themselves in this position, to speak for the whole community, and drive this forward against the will of the whole community. i used all my channels and non official connections to speak to everyone i could, as high up as possible. i was turned down. they will not change course.
" it's hard to believe anybody else is a liar when you're the biggest of them all"
Google. you just got skinned, seasoned, roasted, and then burnt better than Gordon Ramsay's reviews on other people's cooking
bing is in love with you pookie trust me here
Hmm sounds legit
It’s quite interesting for me that a little comic can shed a new light on to a well beloved character. Like dunno now I see Pearl in a new way and she can do whatever she wants. Greg is probably very guilty and Pearl is very alone and they both are very soggy sad and lost post-Rose. If this is the way they figure out how to move on (which is quite messy and weird and probably toxic but that’s how people are) then so be it.
Also I think that we all (including myself) are looking a bit too deep into this.
people on twitter freaking the hell out because rebecca sugar drew a comic of pearl and greg having a messy situationship in the aftermath of rose dying wasn't on my 2024 bingo card if I'm being honest
even Less so because the thing they're apparently mad about is that the nonbinary alien rock was supposed to be a lesbian (as if there's anything wrong with a nonbinary alien rock being bisexual, Or that lesbian can't have a situationship with a man without still being a lesbian on the other side.)
anyways, may take on it is: you don't have to consider any of rebecca sugar's sketches "canon," because it's not actually in the source material. rebecca may have a strong influence on how the fandom sees the characters but it does Not actually change the show. so getting worked up about it in the first place is ridiculous.
That Said, it kinda works with whatever they had going on in the show if I'm being honest
redson x god s/o but they always have a human form around him cause they are scared he wont accept him for who they truly are?
Aww I love this :)) biblically accurate y/n>>>>
“Holy Grounds” (742 w.c)
Redson x GN!God!Reader
romantic one shot
pronouns: they/them(Redson), you/yours
CW: some anxiety from reader
The past few months had been a little rough for you, to be honest. You were unfortunately alone for the most part, with Redson, your lovely partner, on some kind of trip. They called you as often as they could. They always mentioned how they’d be home before you knew it, how boring it was visiting relatives they hadn’t seen since their early years when they could be there with you instead. It was all weighing on you, and so you tried to practice some self care by letting down the glamour you used to hide your godly form.
Letting your true form out was like taking off a tight piece of clothing. Fresh air seemed fresher, colors were more vibrant. You found it easier to actually relax around your home as your true self.
You spent a whole week just hanging around doing whatever you wanted, still calling Redson for updates on how things were going, but never revealing this secret of yours to them. One thing you’d neglected to remember was when they were coming home…which was today.
“Y/n, my beloved! I’m back!” Their voice called in an almost singsong voice. Approaching the room you were in, which was the living room. You practically jumped out of your skin as you attempted to put on your disguise again, but Redson had already seen you. They froze in their tracks, mouth agape. You were still like a deer in headlights.
“Uh…welcome home, love!” You managed to say.
“What on earth was that?!” Red questioned.
“Nothing! Don’t even worry about it! I’ve got some dinner in the oven—“
“Y/n,” they stopped you from moving past them to get to the kitchen, staring deep into your eyes. “Is this not your real form?”
“…can we talk about this later, Red? Please?” You were still in a panicked state, and you were thankful as they gave you a bit of physical space.
“Yes. It can wait a bit.” They gestured for you to continue, and so you did, heart still pounding in your ears.
They think you’re scary, that you’re a terror. They’ll leave you.
That night, as you two got ready for bed shortly after dinner, you could feel Redson’s eyes on you every now and then. Were they analyzing you? Perhaps subconsciously you were the one analyzing them.
Now you sat on your shared bed, feet dangling off the edge as you waited for them to join you.
“My love,” there was a shift on the mattress as they took a seat with you. “Are you ready to talk about it?”
“I guess,” you closed your eyes. “You were bound to find out sooner or later, I’m sorry. I understand if you hate me.”
“Why would I hate you?”
“Because I lied to you! You probably think I’m a freak or something!”
You were shaking like a leaf as you actually turned to face them. Their bright red hair was disheveled, no longer in its uptight ponytail. Their eyes, despite having slight bags underneath them, showed compassion and concern for you that you hadn’t expected.
“Quite the opposite, y/n…” they took one of your hands, kissing your knuckles gently. “The being I saw earlier was the most amazing, luminous entity I have ever seen.”
“You really mean that?” You asked. They nodded. You allowed your true appearance to show again, not once feeling their grip on your hand waver.
“I do. And I mean it even more now that I’m getting a proper look at you.”
“Stop, you’re gonna make me all flustered! You snickered. They could tell the tension around you was dissipating.
“That was my devious plan, all along!” They held you close, even though you were still laughing and moving in their arms. “To woo you!”
“It’s working, it’s working! Lemme go!”
They planted some kisses along your face and jawline and you could feel your face turning red. Finally, they stopped, and you were able to catch your breath. Now, on your own accord, you shifted forms again.
“Not gonna sleep like that?” They asked, separating from you so they could move the blankets around. You had no idea how they could sleep under three layers despite being a walking space heater.
“No, as cool as it is, I don't feel like being a night light.” You yawned.
“Fair enough,” they got comfortable, with you at their side. “Sweet dreams, my lovely light.”
“Goodnight, love.”
✩ Arlecchino: Sleep in Peace ✩
i might start reposting my analysis to twitter cause clearly there's an audience for it, I'm a little self conscious over my writing but i've received so much positive feedback I think I could give it a try. And it's hard carrying the entire qfoolish enjoyer community over here anyways /j
but i'd still love to see more active doozers here on tumblr! are we really just going to let ghosties run the place?? /lh My asks and dms are always open if anyone wants to say hi, thank you again to everyone already sending asks and interacting with my analysis, it warms my heart to see so many people sharing their appreciation of these funky cubitos and i love seeing all the different takes and povs on them
i’m also going slightly mad, freddie mercury
➳ we can’t be friends | psh. — requested
trainee!sunghoon x fem!reader (mentions of wonyoung from ive)
“just wanna let this story die, and i’ll be alright“
synopsis: you and sunghoon have been best friends for so long, but distance has grown between you two after he got with wonyoung.
warnings/content: written in third pov. miscommunication(?). confrontation. angst. unrequited love (kinda). open ending! reader actively avoids sunghoon, and gets closer to jake (bestie vibes only). sunghoon gets jealous (always). not proofread. cursing!
comments, likes, and reposts are appreciated :)
word count: 3.9k
a/n: message request. — this was kind of rushed, sorry :(
༘˚⋆𐙚｡masterlist⋆.✧˚
current song playing: we can’t be friends by ariana grande
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
1:05 ──────|───────────── -3:22
night had already fallen upon hybe building and y/n was still in the practice room, staying stuck on a few dance moves that had her frustrated.
“no this is not right..,” she grumbled to herself, sighing in defeat.
“you’re still here?” a voice bellowed from behind with a chuckle afterwards.
the girl quickly turned and was delighted with a smile plastered across her face.
“sunghoon!” she beamed. “what are you still doing here?” her voice squeaked, heart doing somersaults in the sight of her handsome friend.
“i should be asking you that question.” he grinned ear to ear as he watched his best friend continue to try and catch her breath.
“you’re practicing so late, y/n. you know that’s not good,” sunghoon frowned. “trainer kim’s already gone for the night.”
she rolled her eyes at his little scowl. “i know, i know.., i just really wanted to get this dance move down.”
hoon shook his head at her words before handing her an icy, cold water bottle. “well cool down, won’t you? i have good news.”
her heart slightly clenched in response. what could be such good news at midnight?
y/n gave a quiet nod and he shyly smiled to himself.
it couldn’t be, could it?
her body was tensing with every second he let pass by in his utter motive to irk impatience.
“sunghoon!” she fumed, nudging his shoulder back in slight frustration.
the male laughed in return, fangs flashing to make her a blushing mess as he uttered, “sorry, sorry! i just wanted to build it up!”
her eyes playfully rolled as he continued.
“wonyoung and i are finally going out! you remember her, right?”
remember her? yeah.
how wouldn’t she remember such a pretty girl like her?
the way that starship trainee mindlessly talked to sunghoon, swooning him with her simple words that already had him flustered.
heck, wonyoung did what y/n couldn’t — and that was leave the friend zone.
everything else he chattered on about afterward almost deafened in y/n’s ears. she couldn’t feel anything but her heart that shattered into a million pieces. every small shard striking her by the vein in her blood, giving a numbing sensation in her hands.
“y/n?” he called, looking at her for approval. “what do you think?”
what did she think? why would that matter if he was going out with someone else?
“good..!” she mumbled, voice almost coming to a quiet squeak. “that’s good for you, hoon!”
“i was just with her and..,”
he kept going on and on, but she couldn’t bare to hear it.
how could she when she was in love with him? her best friend. her everything. her favorite person who she couldn’t call hers.
they went through thick and thin as trainees of hybe — experiencing everything big and small that’d always be celebrated upon.
and it wasn’t like she hated wonyoung. no, that gorgeous girl was too good for the world. how could she hate her?
but she knew she’d have to keep a distance.
she couldn’t do anything else but accept it anyway. besides, it was just the right thing.
. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆
about a month had flashed by before y/n knew it, and though it wasn’t the easiest, her and sunghoon weren’t as close anymore.
he spent most of his time with his girlfriend, ensuring her the best like a good boyfriend.
but even then, he’d still try to make plans with y/n — hinting at little cafe places to try, asking about convenience store runs, murmuring about plans to sneak out of the dorms for their weekly movie nights — but she always rejected.
she avoided him with every intention she had.
if he tried to talk to her, she’d adjust her attention to someone else.
if he tried to get a duo dance with her, she’d quietly ask the trainer to switch with another person.
sunghoon didn’t know if he did something wrong but he knew the energy was off between them, as if something drifted them apart.
and to make matters worst, she had gotten closer to jake — another hybe trainee in their friend group.
hoon didn’t know why, but he hated seeing them become an iconic duo. the way jake mindlessly stepped into his position as her designated best friend was throwing him off.
he hated it. every time he’d notice their interactions, he’d find himself clenching with a tense jaw and fisted hands.
but why?
the only excuse he could find to all of this stupid resentment he had towards the aussie boy was that him and y/n weren’t the same anymore.
not at all.
and it was confirmed once he heard little mentions of ‘weekly movie nights’ pass through his ears.
sunghoon rolled his eyes with a quiet scoff leaving his throat, hating how sour he turned in a quick second.
“uhm..,” jungwon cleared his throat. “are you.. okay?”
the members, excluding jake, turned to the boy who was undeniably burning holes at the two in front of him.
“sunghoon..?” jay poked, shifting his gaze to the oldest member.
heeseung knew not to mess with hoon when he was pissed, so when he turned his direction where the boy was staring at, he prayed a little for jake.
“you can’t be jealous,” the oldest one murmured with a pat to the latter’s back.
“what?” sunghoon spat back with an annoyed face. “why would i even be jealous? i’m with wonyoung.”
“right, so.. you can’t be staring at them that way.”
“what does it matter anyway? it’s not like she’ll talk to me.”
the other members chose not to comment afterward, letting hoon continue to glare at the two with soft sighs leaving them.
he hated what was in front of him.
how could he be okay with this? how could he even be feeling this?
the burning in his heart. the rage-filled eyes. the tensed-up jaw. the fuming curse words inexplicably forming in his head.
was it really jealousy?
no. can’t be.
‘can it?’ he quietly questioned to himself, looking at the ground before picking his head back up to glance at the two.
the way y/n loudly laughed and slapped jake’s arm like it was nothing. the way she’d make her usual disgusted look as instinct. the way her fingertips would unintentionally drag against his when he’d offer a water bottle.
fuck, he hated this.
was it possible to be jealous over a best friend like this?
‘but maybe i just miss how we used to be,’ he’d attempt to rationalize.
but even then, it boiled every bit of blood he had whenever he’d find his best friend and another close trainee giggling about whatever was talked about.
. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆
everyone was almost done for the night as they gathered into a huge circle with breath pants heard in the room, many still wheezing from practice.
“so,” niki gasped, body almost completely down on the ground. “movie night?”
a spark hit y/n’s heart when the suggestion was put out there, taking a small glance to sunghoon who already had his gaze on her.
his eyes softened once they met and it seemed to cry out for her — almost asking if she even remembered any of the memories they shared when it was a movie night, and it was just them.
and when it’d get late in the night, they’d fall asleep on each others shoulder, heads bunking against each others with quiet snores and aching backs from their positions.
then a blanket would “magically” fall over them, causing the two to cuddle as platonic friends (who were obviously in love with each other).
but she couldn’t think that way.
not when he had a girlfriend.
still though, she couldn’t help but let her eyes stay on his a little longer than intended, eventually letting it linger onto every facial feature on him that she used to adore.
his moles, his fanged smile, his thick brows, his charming eyes — with her effort to avoid him, her heart beat more than it did before after re-loving his features.
but she turned away after feeling like a creep, shifting it to jake instead, who was smiling like a puppy with big eyes.
“yes, a movie!” she heard him beam.
best friend coded indeed.
a smile curled onto her lips as she heard each member chime in on their part to agree.
“i’m in,” sunghoon’s aggressive voice uttered.
the rest of the members turned to y/n with pleading eyes — “what about you?”
she took a gulp. she wanted to reject after finding out that he’d be there but they were all still friends.
“um..,” she croaked, chewing her lips while avoiding eye contact from the boy she was still in love with.
“oh come on! you and sunghoon used to always have secret movie nights with just the two of you!” niki yelled in defense, causing a loud smack to be thrown at him from jay.
it was awkward and quiet given that everybody knew the two used to be inseparable.
a tense chuckle erupted out of y/n while she only scratched her head.
“yeah we did..,” she admitted. “but i don’t know, they’ve become more strict with where we go now.”
“we’ll be finee!” sunoo tried to deflect.
a few more pleadings happened here and there, eventually leading y/n to quietly fume out a — “fine.”
the six members cheered in delight while sunghoon hid his smile. he was finally going to spend some time with his best friend.
. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆
as the members happily walked out of the practice room, hoon was left alone, staying behind to clean up just a little more — unbeknownst to the fact that y/n had accidentally left her jacket in the room.
she walked back with quiet curse words in her head, hating to have to go back and forth.
when she walked in, she unexpectedly found sunghoon staring right at her with fluttered eyes.
“oh..,” she murmured, body tending in seconds.
“hey…,” the boy replied, shoving his hands into his pockets with a slight sigh of relief. he was finally alone with her and his heart was melting at the fact that it was only them now.
“you forget something?”
his thick brow raised in question, causing y/n’s stomach to flood with butterflies. she gulped and nodded before forcing her feet to move to her jacket — which was close to him.
“yeah..,” she awkwardly laughed. “i forgot my jacket, but i’ll see you there!”
✩ ‘i don’t wanna tip toe, but i don’t wanna hide’ ✩
she attempted to leave but the pull on her wrist struck her back to the same spot as earlier.
y/n felt the grip of his hand softly tighten, careful to not be too rough in how he held her.
“y/n, talk to me.”
his husk voice rang in her ears, sending alarming signals throughout every part in her body as she shivered.
“what do you mean?” the girl tried to deflect, hating the sudden confrontation.
✩ ‘but i don’t wanna feed this monstrous fire’ ✩
“you know..,”
a lump was caught in her throat and she couldn’t get it past her to swallow it down.
“we’re gonna be late, sunghoon, we should go.”
her body faced the door, turning her back on him to finally leave the scene when his voice stopped her — “are you gonna keep avoiding me?”
y/n’s heart dropped. “no..,” she mumbled back with a lip bite. “we’re fine.”
“you haven’t talked to me in weeks, we’re not fine and you know it.”
when she turned to face him, she found the boy to strike her with unforgiving eyes that had tears almost taking its fall.
she hated that she was the reason for his obvious pain, but they were friends, why would it hurt him?
a sigh left her throat as she scoffingly smiled. “you’re with wonyoung now, can’t we just focus on that?” she tried to attempt another lip curl to uplift the mood, but sunghoon wasn’t buying it.
“no, you’re my friend and i want to know why you’re not talking to me the way you used to.” his brows furrowed and a slight eye roll was taken as he thought back to her and jake laughing to themselves.
he watched her carefully for any readable expression but she only kept her gaze down.
“friend?” she softly reiterated. “that’s all i am to you?”
this time, it was sunghoon who froze in his stance. “what?” his eyes blinked repeatedly. “what are you talking about?”
his grip accidentally loosened and y/n felt it, taking the chance to slip out of the hold and say, “nevermind sunghoon, it’s nothing.”
“it’s not nothing if you can’t tell me.” he grumbled, feeling slightly irritated at her lack of communication.
“drop it.”
she walked towards the middle of the room, allowing him to catch up while uttering — “no, tell me.”
“it’s nothing.”
“y/n.”
his lips firmly pushed together as he expressed a disappointed reaction at her.
“let it go, it’s not important.”
“so then just tell me.”
they went back and forth, voices overlapping and echoing over each others.
“sunghoon, enough!” y/n exclaimed, pushing his chest back. “it doesn’t matter anyway so what’s it to you?”
hoon clicked his tongue. “i know you’re purposely avoiding me but i honestly can’t think of what i’ve done, so i’m just gonna ask this once.”
he sighed before continuing, “why are you avoiding me? did i do something to upset you?”
✩ ‘i didn’t think you’d understand me’ ✩
he leaned himself a little closer to her, causing the girl to softly back away with blushing cheeks. she hated how much her heart still lit up at every small thing he did.
“no, i’ve just been busy…,”
sunghoon scoffed, disbelief clear in that puff of air as he continued to gaze at her. “don’t try that with me, y/n. i know you, and i know you don’t like to talk when something bad happens, so what happened?”
“hoon, enough, please.”
she picked her head up to peer back at him with pleading eyes, but he couldn’t stop. he had to know.
“no.” he firmly spoke with a soft sigh. “you can’t get out of this because i need to know.”
y/n picked up on the way his eyes quickly watered. though he tried to hide it and look composed, she still couldn’t help but notice the tears that built up around.
“why?” she exhaled a breath of hers. “why do you need to know so badly hoon?? we’re just friends.”
‘friends’ — she hated how she had to confirm that to herself.
“exactly.” sunghoon spat. “you’re my friend, you’re the one i go to about wonyoung and other things, and now you’re so suddenly close with jake. what even is that? you’re here, but why aren’t you here for me?”
is that all she was to him?
her heart shattered, and all she wanted to do was clench onto the pain. she bit her lip as she responded, “jake has nothing to do with this, he’s only been close with me because of his interest in my friend. even then, you don’t need to know this. you’re in a relationship now, there are limits that i’m not gonna cross because you should be telling wonyoung this, not me.“
she paused, clenching her teeth to bite back the tears that were close to streaming. “i’m not your girlfriend. i’m not.. your girlfriend.” she repeated, letting the second sentence bring her back to reality.
there was a flicker in his eyes once she confirmed it — like his gaze shifted from what was once stern to a softer stare.
but he stayed quiet for a while, unsure of what to say.
tension filled the air, and it was beginning to suffocate y/n with how awkward and tense it was.
“i missed you, did you know that?” sunghoon croaked in the silence, lips faintly curling. “i missed you, and i missed how we were. what did i do that made you not talk to me anymore? because whatever it was, i’m sorry.”
he didn’t get the message, and he still wasn’t understanding.
the boy continued to go on and on, apologizing for whatever he did that could possibly upset her.
“sunghoon-“ but he kept blabbering.
“sunghoon-“ but he couldn’t stop thinking about what he did wrong.
“sunghoon!” she finally bursted, finally catching his attention.
he let his gaze fall on her and she heaved her chest in fear, feeling her legs become limb.
“i..,” her voice trailed off, stopping herself to not say the three words thats been stuck in her head. “i can’t be friends with you.”
her heart shriveled at the words that left her mouth. she didn’t know what’d spew out, but once it echoed in the room, she couldn’t take it back.
“what?” hoon softly murmured, taking small steps closer to her.
his face was close enough that she could feel his breath hit her skin, but not too close where his lips could ghost over hers.
“why?”
y/n’s gaze fell down to his lips and watched how it trembled. he was hurt.
her head was still drooped low until his finger hooked under her chin, bringing it up so they could lock eye contact.
“tell me.” he softly whispered, softened eyes indicating that he wanted to hear the truth.
the girl didn’t do anything, letting silence take over once more before a phone buzzed in the room.
the two snapped out of it, turning their attention towards the device and seeing the contact name of jungwon pop up.
‘are you guys coming? what’s taking you guys so long? ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ’
a sigh escaped from y/n’s lips as she finally backed away.
once the jacket and the phone was in her possession, she found sunghoon already close to the door.
he gave the cold shoulder, eyes faintly giving a glare towards her, but she still found a hint of her best friend in there.
he scoffed a little before leaving the practice room to herself.
right, she said they couldn’t be friends.
she sighed as she held herself back longer than intended so she wouldn’t cross with him, soon leaving to jay’s place right after.
. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆
as the night progressed further and y/n finally arrived not too long after sunghoon did, their movie night eventually begun.
the film was decided upon a vote, clearing it to be a horror movie, as always.
a few members situated themselves on the ground while others sat on the couch — including y/n who was comfortably by jake.
sunghoon stayed in the kitchen, gathering his snacks before approaching the group of idiots clustered into one.
“sunghoon hyung, i saved you a spot on the couch!” jungwon beamed, patting the cushioned seat though sitting on the ground.
the older boy grinned with a murmur of ‘thanks.’
but when he looked up at the people on the furniture, his heart slightly dropped. the girl who wasn’t his friend anymore was next to jake (like always).
he softly grumbled quiet curse words. was it jealousy again?
whatever. it wasn’t like he cared anyway. (he did)
✩ ‘you cling onto your papers and pens’ ✩
y/n was now squeezed between jake, who was all giddy about his current crush and sunghoon, who was her used-to-be best friend.
the film finally started and the lights were completely turned out for the full horror effect.
but the girl didn’t like horror movies. as much as she hated it, she couldn’t oppose to it with how much excitement thrilled the boys, so she forced herself.
or tried to force herself.
throughout the movie, she’d try to hide behind her hands, covering her eyes so she could only look at what she wanted to see.
sunghoon couldn’t help but linger his gaze over to her. he knew she didn’t like anything horror. heck, she used to scold him whenever he’d put it on to tease.
✩ ‘wait until you like me again’ ✩
watching her peek through her hands was adorable, and watching her quietly squeal at every small jumpscare was heart-throbbing.
wait. adorable and heart-throbbing?
was he going crazy?
he shook his head, hating that he slowly transitioned to this thinking.
the boy tried to change his attention back to the screen in front of him, but they’d still linger back onto her.
and of course she didn’t notice, her eyes were basically closed with how much she shielded herself away from the movie.
his heart always felt full at the sight of her. how could it not? the way she looked in desperate need to cling onto someone (him), and the way she was almost about to burst with how much horror movies bothered her.
he wanted to hold and comfort her, just anything for her to know that she shouldn’t fear such a thing, but as a friend right?
sunghoon chewed his cheeks in thought. how could he be thinking this when she stated she couldn’t be friends with him?
he sighed and forced himself to stare at the tv screen, hating the conflicting swelling in his chest.
. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆
when the movie ended, most of the members had knocked out.
the ones on the ground overlapped legs and arms with each others while jake took up half of the couch, leaving y/n to curl up into a ball and be slightly close to sunghoon.
the only one awake was hoon, chuckling as he turned off the end credits of the movie.
once he was comfortably situated in the tight space, he scrolled through social media, laughing about whatever until he felt a sudden bump on his shoulder.
sunghoon paused once he confirmed what he thought it was. he took a gulp, and turned towards the direction of the thunk.
the sight in front of him had his heart fluttering. he found y/n soundlessly asleep with her head set on his shoulder, quiet snores leaving her mouth as she unintentionally snuggled closer.
he missed this. all he could think about was how they’d fall asleep after their own movie nights, and she’d rest against his shoulder with their height difference.
he smiled to himself, lips stupidly curling at every memory flooding back. then he’d think about every little thing y/n would laugh about, every small detail about him that she made sure to remember, every single recollection that they shared together.
then he started thinking about her and her personality that was made match in heaven to suit him.
and eventually, it’d lead to her attractive features — her crooked smile, her eye smiles, her constant nose crinkles, her adorable habits that he loved to copy.
god, he looked like an idiot with how much he smiled to himself.
he didn’t even smile like this when he thought about wonyoung, but he loved her, not y/n.
then the trickling fear hit him.
panic spread across his face as he looked back at the sound-asleep girl next to him.
his heart was almost beating out of his chest once he realized it.
she was right. they couldn’t be friends.
✩ ‘wait for your love’ ✩
★・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・★
Voice by @swiblet (twitter)
thank you so much your voices for my baby😭😭👌
I've been battling my whole life with trying to find a place for myself that didn't hurt. I would dress up real pretty to go to church and smile while adults touched me when I did not want them to and gave me hugs and kisses on the cheek and told me how proud they were of me. Stale smelling older men who stood just a bit too close and held on a bit too long to a little girl. I was just a doll to all of them, and if it wasn't for them knowing my mama, they never would have cared about me.
My job as a little Christian girl was to look nice, act nice, listen to my parents no matter what, serve God, and most importantly: shut the fuck up. If I wasn't being talked to or cooed at, I was to sit there quietly, looking pretty and waiting until I was useful again as a prop.
I grew up constantly afraid and always more excited to find a new cozy hiding spot in my home than to see my dad back from work. 4pm, every day, I knew where to be, and it was nowhere near the front door, just in case he had a bad day and came in with itchy fists.
I always had my nose in a book from the time I was able to read at age 4 to when I finally learned to live in my actual reality. I wanted nothing but to escape. All the adults around me found it cute that I was so studious and smart and encouraged my escapism, for which I am grateful.
I clawed my way, alone, out of addiction to things that would have eventually killed me and away from the thought that that was taking too long and I should get it over with. I quietly went through an identity crisis every other day before deciding it wasn't worth trying to find a label that fit for sure. I stood my ground when my parents found pictures of me kissing my girlfriend at a school dance that I had forgotten to hide away on my phone. I protected my older brother from my parents' ridicule as he was dying in a hospital bed after trying to kill himself with me, a child, in the same room. I will never be able to forget that as long as I live, the sound my father made when he came into the room and the sight of so much blood.
I've been through hell my whole life, things that could have been prevented if only several horrible people and horrible institutions had been told what they were doing was wrong. If they had been forced to fix the way they thought and forced to put away their fists, most of the horrible things I had to go through would never have had to happen in the first place.
And I will not stand by after I have finally found a place I belong, with people who understand me, while we are being told we don't belong anywhere but with ourselves and told we don't exist in the first place. Even worse when so much of this hate is coming from communities that little me looked up to with stars in their eyes; feminists who fight against the very things that had made my life hell! The LGBTQ+ community itself, where I'd been told that everyone who didn't belong at least belonged there!
Why the fuck is this an issue worth sending teenagers and well-meaning regular joes death threats over and deciding that the authority over other people's identities should come down to popular vote? Who the fuck cares if I don't look at a person most people find hot and want to have sex with them? Who the fuck cares that it takes me a very very very long time to fall in love with someone, if I ever do, and that I don't care much at all for dating or romance for myself?
Why is this such a big issue that deserves negative attention? Am I hurting anyone? Am I risking someone's life I don't know about? Because to my knowledge, all I've been doing is reblogging funny memes on my phone, hanging out with my friends, going to class when necessary, drinking too much tea, and just generally living a normal, boring life!
If you think trying to scare me and mine off the internet and earth for good after all the shit I've been through will be worth your time, you are wrong. We did nothing wrong. We aren't hurting anyone, and last I checked, it seems a stupid waste of time to go boo-hooing around the internet about people who don't have the same relationship with love and sex as you do. I can guarantee that there are plenty of people who aren't aromantic or asexual and also have an irregular relationship with one or both of those things.
Get the fuck over yourself and go do something that makes you happy instead of being a cyberbully and a bigot.
And let me sip my tea in fuckin peace.
ROUND 7:
GOODTIMESWITHSCAR (1) nominated from Hermitcraft, Last Life, Create Mod Server, Third Life, Double Life, Among Us, The Crafting Dead, MCC
vs
JOE HILLS (3) nominated from Hermitcraft, Beetlejhost, Joemez Addams, UHC