Daily Thoughts - Tumblr Posts

The weather is turning gloomy, but there is a little calmness in everything... Just the mind is having trouble settling with the surroundings. Everything is getting done, just taking a long time to process... But it is what it is... Life's good!

Sometimes it's like only the evil minded can survive in this world.

When people who inspire you the most don't even know that you exist. But thanks for being there.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

When you hear about someone you know, doing a bad thing, don't you feel kinda sad or maybe even guilty about it?

Because you think, "What was my part, among all others, in their life which lead them to this path?"

Beauty of Things I’ve Never Seen Before

Today was the first day ever I was in the school bus alone. Not alone really, there were other students whom I don’t know. My best friend wasn’t there, so technically, I was alone.

I tried reading the book I took with me but in vain. As the bus started, I began looking at the familiar roads and buildings we were passing.

“Nothing to look at”, I thought.

But then I was thinking about what Gardner (from ‘The Space Between Us’) would feel about seeing all the things I was able to see. He would have definitely found it beautiful. He would be grateful to be able to look at all the different things and think how different they were from all the same things in Mars.

I decided to romanticize the bus ride to school. And I really found beautiful things.

At first, I noticed, among all the common buildings, some were remarkably unique. A really tall building made out of concrete and glass was probably the most eye-catching. Also, there were some plants at the foot of it with huge leaves (about 1-2 meters).

I noticed that a very common restaurant with nothing special, hung some fruits in the front. And they look beautiful in the middle of the chaotic surroundings.

I’ve seen a big mosque of white and pink colours with golden glasses in the windows. I’ve seen it before. But never realized how beautiful it was. It was no less in beauty than “The Sheikh Zayed Mosque” of Abu Dhabi.

Even the trucks parked in a line looked beautiful. The bright yellow colour was something outstanding in the gloom of the dawn. Not to mention that all of them have different floral pattern all over their body. Beautiful!

The last thing I saw on the bus, was probably the most beautiful thing. The sun! I’m sure it doesn’t shine like that on Mars. It was big and orange in colour. I can’t remember when was the last time I’ve seen the sun at dawn.

As I’ve got out of the bus, the school campus welcomed me with beautiful flowers, flowers of every possible colours, I’ve ignored before. Now I’ve truly seen them. I kept walking along the three different shades of marigolds as my doom awaited me at the end of the road.

Do you ever feel like you’re about to cry? There is no specific reason. You just simply stare at the ceiling and the tears roll down your eyes.

Are our own parents any different than the step mothers in the fairy tales?

I was watching a documentary series on Netflix called ‘Myths and Monsters’. At a point where they were discussing about ‘The Grimm's Fairy Tales’, which is a book of collected folktales of Germany by the Grimm brothers, they said that the brothers had actually modified the stories to make it acceptable to the children. And one such particular change was that in the story of ‘Hansel and Gretel’. Though worldwide we all know that the siblings were a victim to the cruelty of their stepmother, the original story tells otherwise. They were rather abandoned in the woods by their poverty driven parents.

Now the questions come: Why did the brothers exchanged the real parents with a stepmother? If it was so unrealistic or unacceptable for the real parents to have abandoned their own children, why would the original story has them in the first place?

The series also gave an idea to that. Basically the myths we know have some really deep morals into it. They usually portray the inner dark nature of humans through the images of monsters. So, it is not unlikely to put the real parents’ images as some cruel versions of humans. Because we humans, are capable of such cruelty. It is embedded inside all of us.

But since the civilizations started, we are trying our best to tame such nature within ourselves. As if the wilderness inside us is considered a taboo in the modern world we live in. So, we made another character to drive away this from ourselves. In this case, it is the stepmother. The stepmother has become a disguise for all the dark parts of a parent. Hence, we see this character in almost every fairy tales in the place of a cruel guardian.

Sometimes I cry.

Don't ask me the reason.

Because then,

I'll cry harder.

I don’t post about him a lot

BUT YALL I WANT SEHUN TO CHOKE ME OUT 😩

What changed in the air this morning? When I woke, blurry, barely human, you were the first thing on my mind, as if I had awoken in your apartment to the sound of the highway outside or bathed in sunlight where we dosed in front of your living room window. What was it about my morning haze? What smell was in the air? What made it so my subconscious ran giggling like a small child smelling a bouquet of roses? Why would the air betray me so? Why must I awake in pain?

-After, July 2023

(s.m.)

Sometimes, late at night, I hold your sweatshirt in my hands. It doesn't smell like you anymore and I don't put it on, but for the last week I have left it laying in the corner on the floor. Every time I pass by it I think of you. I don't cry, or try to see if your smell lingers, I just, hold it, staring. I don't know what it means .

I don't know.

-After, August 2023

(s.m.)

I looked at the stars tonight. I lay splayed open on the porch table, bathed in starlight and sticky with dew. I had to towel off the surface before I layed down but there was still a layer of dampness that stuck to me even through the thin blanket I wrapped around myself.

As I looked up, I constantly tugged on the edges of the blanket to cling to my curves but it kept rolling down and soon enough I stopped trying as the stars watched me and the cold air swept across my flesh.

I watched one shooting star go by, and then two, and then three, and more. One blazed across the heavens like a great ball of fire and sparks streaked in its wake, hanging there, in the sky, for a few seconds before fizzling out.

You crossed my mind multiple times. The imprint of you is still there and looking into that vast and bejeweled abyss I saw my own reflection and those things that haunt my eyes, like when your friends came over to my house and we lay in a pile on my porch stargazing even though the full moon made it hard to see. Or that time we lay under the stars in my ball dress and you told me you were sorry this wasn't going to last forever.

A slow sadness crept in when I felt antsy to go back inside. Before, nothing could take me from looking up at our speckled universe but I have been out of the habit so long. All I can feel is every time I got out of the car and I looked up and gasped. I would stare with my neck craned backwards and want to sit there forever, and I would have, until every time you grabbed my hand and hauled me inside and your future promise of stargazing was never answered.

You robbed me of my greatest love and I am still clawing to get it back and I don't understand how you ever thought a girl with stars in her blood should be hauled back inside like an escaped convict while rolling your eyes. Why did I let you, why didn't I fight you? Oh, why did you have to smother me?

The sky does not smother me, the air does not fight me, and those glittering stars kiss me with a love of which you were never capable.

-After, August 2023

(s.m.)

We used to count the ways we had been together in chunks of time: the halfway point to engagement, the halfway point to the halfway point to our engagement, when we will have been together longer than we had been alive without each other.

Will I remember one day, when I will have been without you longer than I had been with you? That my distance from you is longer than the length of us. That seems so far away.

-After, August 2023

(s.m.)

So often, I find my fingers reaching for you. Thumb paused over my phone screen, on any thread I left open, a small bridge. I sit there and I wait, staring, until I lose the nerve or gain the courage. A failure and a success.

Edit:

Less often, I find my finger reaching for you. My thumb no longer hovers over my phone screen, I cut all the threads, and the bridge sits crumbled and abandoned. I no longer sit there and wait, and when you do cross my mind I watch the thought flit away as fast as it came. My courage is present, and I think I will always be both a failure and a success in whatever way I choose to define the stakes.

-After, July 2023

(s.m.)

Tonight, I finally admitted you had me afraid. That last night as the words poured from your mouth, I was afraid of you. How terrible, to not only lose love but safety.

A very wise women said to me that there is no such thing as closure. She was right, there is only an end and often it is ugly.

-After, August 2023

(s.m.)

I looked over my roommate's shoulder today on accident. It was just an instinctual glance as she tapped her phone.

The screen lit up and there at the top in bright bold letters was "i miss you so much right now" and I had never felt more relieved to not have someone miss me.

My chest started to cave in on itself and then I looked around and took a breath and realized there was no one around who cared. I was free.

-After, August 2023

(s.m.)

Fucking boundary breaker

That's all I have to say. I am not feeling rather poetic.

-After, September 2023

(s.m.)

There was a strict dichotomy between the car ride to the bar and the car ride back. The kind of dichotomy that, if told, would leave the two girls on the ride there with only one response, and in the strongest sense of the word, bullshit.

-Beyond, September 2023

(s.m.)

I just realized this doesn't mean the pain isn't there somewhere if you dig deep enough. Another man's lips won't erase the times yours touched mine and no matter how big I smile it won't erase the times I smiled for you. Endings are simply unfair. But that gnawing, that wondering, that regret I felt, I think it's gone. Or, at least, it walked out the door for a while.

-Beyond?, September 2023

(s.m.)

When I cried over you for the millionth time a friend told me that one day you wouldn't cross my mind--that I wouldn't know why, and I wouldn't realize it then, but I would look back and you would be gone.

I don't know when in the last couple days something shifted but you haven't crossed my mind once. Somewhere in the space between I now, feel, nothing.

-Beyond, September 2023

(s.m.)