Tiramisu16 - Untitled - Tumblr Blog

🌞 sun + 😡 extremely-angry

From Twitter

Hi honey how was your day at the gaslighting factory?

The most terrifying part of having memory issues is when you can feel something from 5 seconds ago be thrown out the window and there's an empty hole where it once was. You remember that you forgot something.

me: hey so how far does your 'all-seeing' sight extend?

the many eyed creature in my basement: ARE YOU ASKING BECAUSE YOU TRIPPED ON YOUR OWN SHOELACES IN THE FOYER AND FELL ON YOUR FACE?

me: oh... so you saw that... :(

the many eyed creature (trying to be nice): ................ NO.

keith: if you ever meet someone who calls gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of the color they are 100% a cop

duck: yeah but you have to specify; frost glacier freeze or cool blue? you can't just say blue because there's more than one blue

hollis: blue and light blue nice try officer

Last night I had a dream that was about a family of three guys, a father and two sons, all together on a fishing trip and some woman came up and said “Oh, what are your guy’s names?” and the father went “My name’s Dean, and this is my son Bean.” and the woman gestured to the other son questioningly and the dad got the most upset, disappointed look on his face and went “That’s my other son, Sean.” and I’ve never woken up laughing harder in my life.

there was a golden age superman comic where someone called a hit out on clark kent, and so a sniper tried to shoot him while he was out having lunch with lois

except he’s fucking superman so the bullets just fell off his chest into his lunch and clark just had to pretend nothing happened and hope lois wouldn’t notice that someone just fucking shot him

the hitman thinks maybe he just missed and gets ready to shoot him again, but then he’s watching through the scope as clark starts to eat the fucking bullets to hide the fucking evidence, acting like everything is totally normal as he noshes down on lead

dude just packs his shit up and leaves town because reporters in this city eat bullets for lunch and he’s not fucking with that no way no how

I work at a restaurant and nothing will ever beat the time this woman threw an absolute hissy fit at brunch because we ran out of home fries and all we had were french fries, she yelled at me, she demanded to speak to my manager, and when she’s in the middle of complaining, my manager just stopped her and went “hey do you want a hug?” and this woman went “what?” and my manager was like “you just seem super upset about the shape of these potatoes and I thought maybe you needed a hug” fucking hysterical, I got to watch a human blue screen in real life, absolutely the best way to shame someone for their nonsense I’ve ever seen

u know someone’s about to get dragged through the mud when an academic uses the phrase ‘it’s tempting to assume’

stop naming your babies olivia. if you are considering it, think again. please learn from my tragic childhood, where i was never the only olivia anywhere i went. i was always olivia with an initial. there were 6 olivias in my graduating class of 165 people. i went to summer camp and in the 7 person tech crew for a musical, there were 4 olivias. and i was born in 1998, when olivia was "only" the 21st most popular name in the united states. since 2001, it's been in the top 10 names for new babies. that's 23 years of olivias going through my same problem, if not worse, considering olivia has been the number one baby girl's name since 2019. 15,270 new olivias were born in 2023 alone.

one time i was standing on the corner waiting to cross the street with 4 other people who i did not know. my roommates drove by and honked the horn and yelled "hey olivia!". the girl standing next to me said to her friend "that's so weird, i have no idea who those people were." i turned to her and said "my name is olivia too, they were talking to me." so on this random street corner in boston, i wasn't even the only olivia.

RIGHT so when I started my sociology course in college, my teacher stated us off with 

‘well I guess we have to do icebreakers. i’m Jon, and I fear bears. why do I fear bears? because bears can run at 30 miles per hour and Chester Zoo is 30 miles away. that means a bear can be outside this door in an hour. why would a bear be here? because they can smell fear and I fear them.’

I know I'm strong, and I know I can handle anything that's thrown at me, but FUCK dude. why are people throwing things at me

it’s sooo funny when rude customers encounter employees who can deny them service for the first time.

i was working at a little cafe where I could deny service over bad behavior, harassment etc. & mask mandates had just ended a week before & already people were being weird about me still wearing mine—an N95, the kind shaped kinda like a duckbill.

so this man walked in, looked at me sooo scathingly, laughed at me, and said “damn. never known a woman to choose…practicality over looks.”

And I just said, “oh. you can go, you’re not getting a drink.” And he said, “what???”

I said, “sir, you just walked in at 6 am & called women impractical and me ugly in one sentence.”

And he was so astonished he didn’t even argue he just turned around and left 💀🙏🏻 it was like he suddenly became self aware

genuinely one of the worst things that’s happened to television in the last few years (exacerbated by streaming services) is death of Filler. going from 20 episodes to 8 because “we didn’t really need that episode where the main characters went to the beach right? it had no long lasting effect” but we DID!!! we needed to see how they act without the Big Bad Plot and to establish the dynamics between the characters and lay in the sun (do they forget sunscreen? how do they react to a thieving seagull? do they get buried in the sand or do they do the burying?). the plot isn’t everything. the action doesn’t hit as hard without the quiet moments. give us character development and our little scenes back

Sometimes you gotta pick a cat up just to set them back down somewhere nearby. Remind them who calls the shots in your house. Oh you thought you were lying on the floor? Dead wrong fool you're standing on the couch cushion now staring up at me waiting for an explanation. You'll never get it. I'm gone. I'm walking away. I'm already in the next room before you can so much as mutter a confused "meow." later son. you're reexamining your place in the universe all by yourself. Consider my power in a empty living room

"I should kill myself": self-serving, reactionary

"we should all kill ourselves": building community and connection, ideologically correct

If you can't handle me at my worst (really bad) then you don't deserve me at my best (slightly less really bad)

My brother's girlfriend had HPV, so he went to get himself the HPV vaccine. There is a fee to pay (nothing much, something like €87) but it's completely free if you're in one of the "at risk" groups.

"What does that mean," he asks. "It's free if you're gay," he's told. "Ah. Would I have to like, prove it, or...?" "Just put in a check mark here."

My brother is in no way, shape or form attracted to men, but also he's stingy as it gets. So now he's officially gay. Congrats bro.

someone mentioned april fools today, and it reminded me that last year a couple of radio DJs got taken off the air and almost faced felony charges because they told their audience that the local water supply was contaminated with “Dihydrogen Monoxide” and alot of people panicked

Dihydrogen - (two hydrogen) Monoxide - (one oxygen) H2O

some guys almost got arrested for telling people there was water in their taps.

cute story time: my one friend is dating a boy who is blind and they go for walks everyday and as they walk she describes everything to him and he always says that “she makes everything sound so beautiful, except herself, but one day I’m determined to make her describe herself in the same beautiful way she describes the earth” I’m so